Debate and Tackle

4 Nov

SCENE: The small town of Pinecone, Maine is holding a local election. To help educate voters, they are hosting a moderated debate between the two candidates in the local library’s lecture hall.

ANNOUNCER: In this corner, weighing in at 108 pounds, a mother of seven with a background in law, the mama bear with a roar to match, Christy Tamburro! And in this corner, the incumbent, weighing in at 285 pounds, a restauranteur and man-about town, he’s a Democrat donkey and he can kick, Craig Weeks! This town hall debate will be moderated by Laura Langston, online editor of the Pinecone Bugle.
LAURA: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 Pinecone First Selectman debate. Tonight, we will offer town residents the chance to ask questions directly to the candidates. We will give the candidates thirty seconds to introduce themselves and their platform before the questions. Ms. Tamburro, you won the coin toss, would you like to introduce yourself first or defer to your opponent?
CHRISTY: I would love to introduce myself. Hello, my name is Christy Tamburro. I have lived in Pinecone for twenty-one years, fourteen of which were with my estranged husband, Peter. I worked as a paralegal for the law offices of Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, and Schwartz LLC until the birth of my first child. Being a mother was my true calling, and I dedicated myself to bringing my little blessings into the world. As all of the mothers out there know, being a mom requires listening to all kinds of people and making decisions, and as your first selectman I will make sure every voice is heard. Even if you’re all yelling in the back of my minivan! (stifled laughter) I believe in honest governance and service to the people, which is why we must stop Craig Weeks in his tracks. He is a dangerous radical who is driving us off a fiscal precipice. See you at the polls!
LAURA: Mr. Weeks, you may introduce yourself.
CRAIG: Goooooooooood morning Pinecone! My name is Craig “Big and Tall” Weeks and I am your current and future first selectman. I am a proud congregant of St. Joseph’s Church, where I am known for rarely attending services and donating conspicuously to collections. I own Frederico’s Pizza and Golden Mountain Fun Palace Szechuan, Hunan, Cantonese, and Pan-Asian Cuisine, two of the best restaurants in our town.  I love everything about Pinecone, from the Winter Caroling Half-Marathon, to the Halloween Pumpkin Cannon Competition, to the Halloween Egging of the Post Office. Let’s make this town even greater – together!
LAURA: Now, let’s bring up local resident Jacob Kraus, owner of Jake’s Bean Bar, to ask the first question.
JACOB: Hello candidates. My coffee shop is just one feature of Pinecone’s great commercial district. What will you do to ensure that small business owners like me can stay viable in our town?
CHRISTY: Hi Jacob, and thank you for your question. Small business is the lifeblood of this town and this nation. I will do everything in my power to ensure low tax rates and financial security for American dreamers like you. And if any big box stores ever try to spread their roots in Pinecone, I swear to high heaven I will burn them to their foundations. As first selectman, I will protect your businesses like I do my seven beautiful children. Thanks again, Jacob.
CRAIG: Jacob, I love shopping in Pinecone. You know I wouldn’t get my chai lattes from anywhere else but Jake’s, would I? You’re my guy! You’re my coffee guy! I would lay down in front of a steam locomotive for our small businesses, and I have braved the political firestorm time and time again to protect owners like you. Let’s go Pinecone! Woo!
LAURA: Our next question comes from Nan Pedersen, the lady that is always feeding pigeons and sitting on a bench. Nan, go ahead.
CHRISTY: Hello, Nan!
CRAIG: Hey, hey, Nan! Have you lost weight?
NAN: Hi. I just wanted to say that you guys are the best candidates Pinecone has had since I was a little girl. You know, we didn’t have electricity here until 1952. We used to use an outhouse where I lived! My, the progress. I just love everything about Pinecone- the libraries and the people and the trees. It’s just a lovely, little town and I –
LAURA: Ma’am, do you have a question to ask?
NAN: *snoring*
LAURA: Thanks for nothing, Nan. Our next question comes from sixth grader Kenneth Meyer. Go ahead, Kenneth.
KENNETH (sweaty): Um, hi. Um, candidates, um, what would you, um, like, um, do to, um, make our schools, um, and our, like, education, um, more better, um, for the, um, people, um, of generations and people, um, and people of the future, um, to, um –
CHRISTY: You got it, Kenneth.
CRAIG: Rock on, Kenny!
KENNETH: Um, make it better?
CHRISTY: Thank you so much for your question. It’s just great to see young people like you participating in our political dialogue. What I would do for our schools is-
CRAIG: Yeah, excuse me, Christy. Your question is so vital because it speaks to our most basic need as a town: educat-
CHRISTY: Sorry, Craig. Kenneth, you remind me so much of my son Tom. And my son Peter. And my son Ralph. Kids today face a var-
CRAIG: Kenny, do you like hockey? Because I’ve got minor league season tickets with your name on it if you can deliver on your parents…
CHRISTY: I want to make you dinner every day for the next year if you can get me some votes, Kenny –
LAURA (loudly): Thank you, Kenneth. Candidates, you may now deliver your closing remarks. Since Ms. Tamburro opened the debate, Mr. Weeks will speak first.
CRAIG: Thank you, Laura. I love the town of Pinecone and you all do, too. So let’s make it better. I believe this town can be one of the best in the country if we all work together. We already lead the county in blueberry exports and we were listed in the 2011 Cracked.com article “11 Towns with Surprisingly Humorous Police Blotters”. So rock the vote, Pinecone! Chant with me: Craig! Craig! Craig! (nobody joins in)
LAURA: Ms. Tamburro, your turn.
CHRISTY: Thank you very much, Laura, for moderating this debate. Thank you to the Library for hosting the debate. And thank you Pinecone, for participating so actively. However, there is one person here who deserves no thanks – Craig Weeks. Over his last term, Craig has driven this town into the ground, destroying everything our forefathers worked to create. As proof, I present to you First Selectman Weeks’s Internet history over the last term. Laura, could you please read this aloud (hands paper to moderator)
LAURA: Um, okay, candidate. Ahem:

  • AngelaMerkelNipSlip.whitehouse.gov
  • Google search for “simple embezzlement tips”
  • Amazon receipt for Embezzlement for Dummies
  • Google search for “hairless armpits”
  • WebMD search for “localized alopecia”
  • Google search for “cases of hairless armpits”
  • Amazon receipt for “Armpit Hair Plugs”

LAURA: And with that, we will close the 2013 Pinecone debate. Thanks for showing up, and goodnight.

The following day, this editorial was read by most of the town. (Click to enlarge.)

fake newspaper

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