Tag Archives: doctor

Royal Planes

4 Sep

(A doctor, a circus clown, a young girl, and a pilot are traveling in a plane. The priest and the rabbi were busy in a joke. A loud alarm begins to blare.)

GIRL (panicked): What’s going on? What is that noise?
CLOWN (frightened): *honk*
DOCTOR (looking into cockpit): The pilot’s down. It looks like he blacked out from Earheart Syndrome.
GIRL: Earheart, like the pilot?
DOCTOR (stern): No, Earheart like his blood has pooled in his ears. We’re gonna have to siphon it all out and pipe it back in down his throat.
GIRL (panicked): What are you waiting for? Do it!
DOCTOR: This procedure is best done in a hospital, but it has to be done. Get me a bag of complimentary peanuts and a seatbelt. I’m going to make a slapdash blood pump.
(two seconds later)
CLOWN (returning with items): *squeeeak* *beeeeeeeeewuuuuup*
DOCTOR: Let’s do this. (begins to extract blood) I’ll have to use mouth suction to move the blood.  (starts pumping it back into the mouth)
GIRL (sarcastic): There’s no need to narrate the procedure, Dr. Oz! (pilot gaining color)
DOCTOR: He’s gonna make it! I did it!
PILOT: W-w-what happened?
GIRL (joyous): You did it, Doctor! We’ll be saved! We’re-we-we- (faints)
DOCTOR: Hey! Hey! Wake up! Does she have any pre-existing conditions? (looking to other passengers)
PILOT (confused): I don’t know, I’m just the pilot.
CLOWN: *squelch* *blooooooop* *juvenile diabetes* *gweeeerg*
DOCTOR: Her blood sugar is spiking faster than normal! We’re gonna have to deliver the shot straight to the pancreas! Pilot! Give me your pen knife!
PILOT (frustrated): Sorry, Doc! TSA took mine before we got on the plane.
DOCTOR: Fine, we’ll have to make an incision with a corkscrew. Get me some alcohol while you’re at the bar.
PILOT (moving toward bar): To dull the pain?
DOCTOR: No, I just haven’t done this many operations in a day since my residency.
(Doctor begins opening hole with corkscrew and injecting insulin. Graphic, bloody imagery is displayed on screen; home viewers collectively groan and go “Eeeeeeeeew. Was that really necessary.” Girl suddenly wakes up, groggy.)
GIRL: Uuuuuh, what happened? It feels like I’ve got a wide diameter open wound brushing against a dirty airplane floor … or something.
DOCTOR: Stay still, you’re gonna be just fine. (Doctor looks up, steely and confident, marinating in the triumphant mood of the moment, the resounding culmination of several decades in medicine. He abruptly comes back to earth as the girl slumps down, bleeding out.)
CLOWN(excited, then scared): *honk honk honk hunk hyunk hyeeunk-ack-eeeeek-ack-ack-eeeeeeuuuuuugg-uuuuhh*
DOCTOR (hunky but exasperated): Sounds like he’s choking on something.
PILOT (excited): I took a CPR class once! I know the Heimlich! (Doctor gives him a droll, patronizing look)
DOCTOR: I think I should perform the Heimlich.
GIRL (nervous): Can we stop speaking German and help this clown?
(Doctor performs Heimlich. A bowling pin flies through the air.)
PILOT (listening to radio): Hey guys, can you sit down now? We’re cleared to take off.

Christmas Carols for the Doctor’s Office

13 Dec

It’s officially the holiday season, and with that, we can now begin hearing holiday songs everywhere we go. Here are some classic carols specifically tailored for the doctor’s office.

Feldberg, the Nose Job Reindeer (to the tune of Rudolph)

Britney, the teenage narcissist
had a slightly bulbous nose.
So a Feldberg nose job
was the Christmas present she chose.

Her mom lives vicariously through her,
so she didn’t balk at plastic surgery.
“Honey, if we added some silicone,
maybe you could look like me!”


Root Canals (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Going to the dentist,
for your tooth cleaning today.
You know you haven’t been flossing.
What will your hygenist say?

“Have you really been brushing?
Your teeth don’t look so great.
Here take these toothpaste coupons,
our office is sponsored by Colgate!”

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!


The Proctologist is Coming to Town (to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Gloves on my wrist, checking you twice.
Gonna make sure your prostate feels nice.
You’re going to feel my finger, deep down.

I know if your prostate’s enlarged,
or generally on the fritz.
You might feel some light pressure,
so I’d appreciate if you didn’t twitch.

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