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What if Rabbis Were Completely Honest in Bar Mitzvah Speeches?

29 Dec

“Working with Jeremy was not the best experience I’ve ever had with a student. Let’s just say he’s not the tastiest charoset on the seder plate. I think I speak for the whole congregation when I say we’re all surprised you made it this far. Hopefully, none of you noticed the many mistakes Jeremy made earlier this morning, since I know I did. Jeremy, here’s to you, your family, and your long future filled with further mistakes. Shabbat Shalom.”

“Chelsea was a delightful student, except for some things. First off, for the record, thank you Chelsea for coming up with such unoriginal analysis of your portion. It made my life much easier. However, you have that horrible nasally voice. I didn’t know anything could be so grating before meeting the Bat Mitzvah girl. And Mrs. Goldberg, Chelsea’s mom, you’ve got to relax a little bit. Oy gevalt, ever heard of micromanaging? Chelsea, congratulations, and go party. Your mother’s put in a lot of effort on this one.”

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