The Elderly: A Series of (Very) Short Plays

4 Mar

(A young immigrant woman is responding to an old women’s request: Seeking help in household chores. Will offer room and board. Applicant must be spineless and willing to deal with my growing senility.)

APPLICANT: Miss? I’m here about the job offer.

OLD LADY: Oh, marvelous! You’re hired.

APPLICANT: Really? Just like that?

OLD LADY: Of course. Now, where are you from?

APPLICANT: Colombia. I moved here last year.

OLD LADY: Colombia? My friend Margaret’s housekeeper is from Jamaica! Those countries are close, right? Maybe you know him!

APPLICANT: No, those countries aren’t even cl-

OLD LADY: I’ll call Margie right away! Can you call my grandson first? Ask him where I put the cordless phone.

(A boy has just kicked a football through an old man’s window)

OLD MAN: You can’t just take windows for granted, you hear? Back in my day, we didn’t have windows. If we wanted to look outside, we had to cut a hole in the wall and –

BOY: But couldn’t you just go outside? You definitely had doors or something.

OLD MAN: Don’t sass me! I fought in Korea! I’m not going to let some long-haired, skateboarding youngster take advantage of me in my old age!

(Anyone paying attention up to this point would realize this boy has neither long hair nor a skateboard.)

BOY: Anyway, sorry about the window, mister. Do you want me to work it off, maybe?

OLD MAN:  Just forget it! My Metamucil’s kicking in.

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