Take Out Your Wallet, and Call…

7 Mar

(Camera is lifted out of it’s rural hometown by a tornado. It wakes up to find itself in a cozy, well-decorated living room. On a red couch sits that actor from that movie. Every single audience member take out their iPhone to consult IMDB.)

ACTOR: Hi! I’m Cletus Toddwick, from such films as “Oh, That’s Where He’s From” and “Wasn’t that the Same Director as Ferris Bueller?”. I’m here to talk to you about a growing problem affecting pet-owners everywhere: feline balding. Every day, millions of innocent cats cry out for help as their fur come out in the fistful.

(Start slideshow. Include plenty of bald cats.)

CLETUS (talking over video): And it’s not just housecats: all over the world, jaguars, cougars, and tigers are rendered helpless as their coats fall out. But you can help.

(Turn back to Cletus. He looks legitimately concerned at the fate of balding cats.)

CLETUS: For just thirty five dollars a day, you can help us buy wigs and hair-retaining shampoo for at-risk felines. You can be the change. And for a small five hundred dollar donation, we’ll send you a 1996 calendar of gross hairless cats. Thanks for your support.

(Commercial ends with exceedingly sad classical music, as more pictures of bald cats show. Cletus is smiling at the thought of his new Mercedes. According to his lawyer, “shampoo” is interchangeable with “luxury cars” in some places.)

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