The Sommelier Gets Crafty

12 Mar

SCENE: A flashy restaurant. A tuxedoed man is seated with his guests, while a sommelier in a white dinner jacket explains the wine list.

CUSTOMER: I’d like something fruity, yet smokey. Ever left a cupcake out in the rain? Something like that.  Something that goes down easy.

SOMMELIER: Well, the latest trend is a drink with a little more constitution. I’ve got a personal favorite from New Mexico you might like.

CUSTOMER: Fine, what do you suggest?

SOMMELIER: The Suahcahtaka Merlot might be nice. It complements this group atmosphere nicely. And it’ll go great with the seafood platter, too. It has notes of bacon, stained glass, and nursing home bathwater. Coming from a Northwest South Carolina Sommelier of the Week like myself, it’s got a lovely bouquet.

CUSTOMER: Actually, the seafood looks a bit pricy. How would it go with the duck?

SOMMELIER: Well, you need the seafood. Unless you wanna miss out on the merlot. A fine wine is like a fine woman – both need a loving companion, be it a sensitive male or a seafood platter.

CUSTOMER: Fine. Bring them both out.

(Sommelier brings out the wine. He clumsily pours the wine into a salad dressing can and back into a cup.)

CUSTOMER: That’s an odd-looking decanter.

SOMMELIER: It’s new technology. So, you like the wine?

CUSTOMER (gagging): It’s a little hard to take.

SOMMELIER: It requires a very selective palette, at least that’s what WINE SPECTATOR said. It should almost feel like you’re eating a porcupine. It should be painful. The best wines assault the senses.

CUSTOMER: Can we see the wine list again?

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