Tag Archives: hannukah

Pediatricians Report Rise in Finger Burns as Hanukkah Starts

8 Dec

NEW YORK – Lighter Side of the Moon

As the Jewish festival of Hanukkah begins tonight, hospitals are already beginning to notice aa meteoric increase in the number of children with minor candle-related burns.

Bev Chalmers-Griffith, head of pediatrics at the Mount Sinai Hospital, and her staff struggled to deal with the influx of minor burn patients. “We’re just about to do the 6:30 shift change, and then this wave of crying grade-school kids with finger burns ran through the door,” she said.

Jessica Kornbaum was one of many of the children to check in at hospitals in the area with the same injury. “I just wanted to help light the menorah,” she said between bouts of intense weeping. “Matches are fun.”

Mike Kornblaum, Jessica’s father, was visibly distraught. “Yet another Kornblaum family holiday ruined,” he said. “This is our third Hanukkah in five years where we ended up in the hospital.”

But for Mr. Kornblum, this trend isn’t all bad news. “I just called my broker and bought stock in an electric menorah company,” he said.

According to industry surveys, Hanukkah is historically the second most dangerous Jewish holiday, after Purim.

Hipster Baked Goods: Potato Latkes

20 Dec

Here we are, once again, with Hipster Baked Goods. This time, in key with the Hanukkah season, we will be discussing how our barista friends make potato latkes. They re-interpret all the great things about our grandmother’s traditional foods, and put out a substantially worse product. So, without further ado, let’s dive in.

Obviously, potatoes are a key part of latkes. I spoke with one baker who uses potatoes grown during the Irish Potato Famine. That combination of 200 years of fermentation coupled with a crippling fungal disease really give the potatoes some “bite”. I don’t know why those peasants went hungry, because they grew some top-notch infected potatoes. Other makers who pandered to a more specialized clientele made potato latkes for reverse-vegetarians: those who only eat meat. Instead of potato shreds, these artisan chefs cook with the sinew of Kobe calves instead. The tendons are then soaked in a mixture of Bahamian seawater, kumquat juice, and buttermilk. The milk curdles and clings to the sinew, wherein they are fried and served.

One tough choice Jews have to make during the holiday season is apple sauce or sour cream, and several fedora’d cooks really went all-out with their toppings. A particularly succulent one was a sauce made not of apples, but of cantaloupes pressed into a paste by barefoot Bhutanese monks. Then, using a centrifuge, the cantaloupe paste was spun into tiny spheres, which were shot from a pea shooter at the wall, making them back into a paste. They also serve Breakstone sour cream.

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