Tag Archives: baseball

Today’s Random Thought

25 Oct

Since arriving at the stadium, Pablo Sandoval and Prince Fielder make up a combined 4 percent of San Francisco’s biomass.

It’s Official

16 Aug

Yesterday, at the Yankee game, I noticed that seemingly every company claims to have an official product of the Yankees. From pudding to mustard to luxury car, nearly every company can claim that their merchandise is “official”. I wondered just how far this advertising trend could go:

ANNOUNCER: And now, a few words from our sponsors.

Keep life moving on the farm with Bjornsson’s, the official animal birthing lubricant of the New York Yankees.

Throw a knuckleball into your digestive system using Ipecac, the official emetic of the New York Yankees.

Enjoy the elegant scenery of Belgium, the official European country of the New York Yankees.

If you’re looking to redecorate, head on over to Ikea, the official hex-wrench assembled furniture of the New York Yankees.

And finally, there’s no better way to spend an afternoon than enjoying some Philadelphia Phillies baseball, the official sports team of the New York Yankees.




(My dad made me write this: I have no affiliation with any of these companies, especially Bjornsson’s animal birthing lubricant.)

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

24 Dec

My name is Sherm Lubenstein. I live in the Eastern Confederation, once the world’s most powerful nation. Today, however, in 2231, that is no longer the case.

In 2174, the President decide that what we needed to better our workforce was hyper-specialization, as he described in his classic “What We Need to Better our Workforce is Hyper-specialization” speech. To do so, he made it such that 4-yeard-old’s would choose their careers. These choices are final, so whatever job you pick at the age of 4 is what you’d be stuck with for the rest of your life.

Since the children are allowed to select their jobs, there are tremendous inbalances between careers. At the job selection event in one town with 1000 4-year-olds, there were 365 professional baseball players, 202 astronauts, and 173 ballerinas. Little did they know, a society with 20% of it’s individuals living in space is headed straight for failure. There are only so many dance companies and baseball teams. The 72 ice cream vendors will only pull from the workers in the fields, growing the food our nation needs.

Not to mention, your childhood isn’t ripe with decision-making ability. I made the unfortunate decision to be a professional roller coaster rider, and now suffer from extreme vertigo and chronic nausea. My wife chose to work at a McDonald’s playplace, and now suffers from chronic back pain, as those nets are rather unforgiving after 8 hours. These ailments force massive numbers of people to quit their jobs at too young an age, and put a massive strain on the 84 out of 1000 people that chose to be doctors.

Today, the Eastern Confederation suffers through a myriad of problems that can only be addressed by the repeal of this law. Our government spends millions building spaceships for our astronauts. Our few scientists must figure out how to make Tommy into Buzz Lightyear. (The kid who chose to be Woody was much less of a headache.) I, Sherm Lubenstein, refuse to continue on this path. If you agree, meet me on the Brain-Buster at Rocky Rapids Amusement Park. Wear a carnation on your lapel. Up the Rebels!

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