Tag Archives: 99 percent

That’s So 1%

31 Dec

Now that the Occupy movement has largely disbanded, I can be less fearful of their mob mentality when I ridicule them on a public forum. So, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new TV show, Thats So 1%.

(Lilac, the matriarch of the Chesterfield family, is sitting at home with her son, Chauncey. Lilac and Chauncey are seated on a velvet couch. Lilac is wearing a yellow sundress and an oversized white sunhat. Chauncey is still in his pajamas, and is desperately trying to persuade her that it is December, and sundresses are a little out of season.)

LILAC: Chauncey, if it were December, why would I be wearing a sundress?

CHAUNCEY: That’s precisely the point, mother. It’s 23 degrees out there.

LILAC: Here, enough of this petty arguing. Let’s ask Mellamo.

(Mellamo was the long-time maid of the Chesterfield family. Surprisingly enough, her name is actually Guadalupe, but when she first arrived at the home, she introduced her self by saying, “Me llamo Guadalupe,” and the name stuck.)

MELLAMO: Actually Miss Lilac, it’s way too cold for the sundress. Perhaps I should get you the coat you had made last winter, the one with a lining of baby seal. Environmental carelessness is a most becoming look for you.

LILAC: You know what, all this debating has tired me out. I don’t really feel like leaving the house today.

(Lilac, longing for the days when her children couldn’t point out her innumerable character flaws, walks across the room to a cabinet and gestures toward a photo album situated on the third shelf, about as high as Lilac’s navel.)

LILAC: Mellamo, can you get this? I’m far too frail to get up on the step ladder.

(Mellamo gets the photo album resentfully, no step ladder required. Lilac settles down on the couch with the album and opens up to a page full of pictures from the vacation house in the Cape. She settles down and flashbacks to a favorite memory from their vacations. Lilac is seen recalling her bridge partner, Tabitha, describing to her how her husband was taking her on a walk through the downtown, to window shop in those delightful little stores. Lilac, not to be outdone, hired a pilot to fly her over the downtown, where she window shopped from above.)

LILAC: Oh, Chauncey, isn’t this picture just delightful? You were all so cute.

CHAUNCEY: Yes, Corinth [his younger sister] was just the funniest little trust fund baby in town. And there I am, a trust fund toddler.

END SCENE

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