Archive | December, 2011

Lose 15 Pounds, No Eating Required!

14 Dec

Millions of American women subscribe to a women’s health or beauty magazine. While the tips these periodicals offer can do wonders for your growing crows feet, or help you lose those last few inches by Christmas, they’re doing more harm than good when it comes to marriages. Don’t believe me, read this dialogue:

(Rod and Calvin are two middle-aged men on a pheasant-hunting trip. Rod is driving, and both have wives at home. Rod alerts Calvin as they cross the Kansas-South Dakota border. Calvin hurriedly checks the map as they remember there is no Kansas-South Dakota border. Rod is picking the M&M’s out of a store-bought trail mix.)

ROD: (firmly) I’ll tell you Cal, Nancy’s off her rocker. Just last week, I saw her rubbing honey on her forehead. Something about wrinkles.

CALVIN: (with curiosity) Yeah, Janet does the same thing. I tried to ask her about it, and she said something about “feeling old today.”

ROD:  (with gusto) Are you never making her feel special? Nancy pulls that crap on me all the time. It’s ridiculous.

CALVIN: (angrily) I’m just getting started. My boy, Kenneth, he came in from the snow. Janet thought his skin looked dry, so she made him hold pieces of bologna on his cheeks.

(Calvin flips on the radio, and settles on WJCR, a radio station based out of Omaha. He smiles as he recognizes his favorite broadcast, Mustangs, Chargers and Jesus: The Mid-West’s #1 Christian Car Show.)

ROD (lacking enthusiasm): Tell me about it. So I was putting up some Venetian blinds for Nancy, and I busted my back. For a whole week she made me bathe in a tub filled with corn flour. I was breaded like a chicken cutlet.

CALVIN (irritated): Where in the hell are they finding these tips? I swear, next time she makes us quinoa for dinner, I’m getting up. I don’t care if the “Mind and Body” column called  it a miracle grain, I want pork chops.

ROD (inquisitively): Speaking of which, you hungry? There’s a saloon off the next exit.

CALVIN (sassily): No, not there. I hear they cook the riboflavin right out of their arugula salad.

(Curtains fall as Rod tells Calvin how his daily foot soak really lowers his stress level.)

Today’s Random Thought

13 Dec

People get addicted to prescription drugs. Can you get addicted to Dulcolax®?

Today’s Random Thought

12 Dec

Why do they make fake mustaches, but not fake goiters?

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be An Animal!

10 Dec

Lets’ face it. Humans stink when compared to most other members of our kingdom. Don’t believe me, go eat a carrot. A full-size one. Now describe the way you ate the carrot. Words that come to mind are:

  • Weak
  • Measly
  • Pathetic

Now look at this gigantic insect eating a carrot:

The carrot is being assaulted by that bug. It’s going at it like there’s no tomorrow! Seriously, how awesome is that thing? (Fun fact: This bug weighs more than a sparrow.) I hear flyswatters run screaming when this animal comes their way.

As if that beast wasn’t enough to strike fear into your heart, look at this death machine with wings. It’s wanted in several states for goat-napping. It’s probably using the goats for slave labor, building lavish homes for that flying devil and his crime-ring affiliates. (To see this winged criminal in action go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOkWpavE5gE)

There’s an old saying that animals are man’s best friend. Well that’s about to change. It won’t be along until our golden retrievers crawl into our bed at night with lethal intentions. The animals are getting smarter, and they’ve learned to use toasters, keyboards, and doorbells. We either distance ourselves from the animals, or you wake up to that six-legged demon nibbling at you nose instead of a carrot.

But MOM, Everyone Else Has One!

8 Dec

In President Obama’s most recent State of the Union Address, he described how US students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and science. While those subjects are all well and good, what about Language Arts? In all seriousness, being able to write is one of the most important skills our nation’s students need to learn, but how can we test writing ability? Do we look at standardized tests? Having taken many of these tests, this information can’t be reliable. How many times in your adult life have you had to write a short story about an elephant that escaped from a zoo and ended up at your house? Sounds like a resounding zero. (If you said yes, I’ll buy your memoir.) Instead, as a nation, we should look at the letters kids write to their parents or  Santa, asking for presents. If these letters are persuasive, that’s all that matters. If our kids are good enough, maybe they’ll be able to write letters asking for presents as adults! My fellow Americans, say goodbye to your fears of receiving socks and sweaters, we’re engineering a new generation of writers! The kind that can write letters and get whatever they want!

The new judge of our children's writing ability.

Retired teachers would no longer have to sit in boring, sun-less rooms with nothing but a pile of essays about the same thing. Instead, they could hide inside mailboxes at Macy’s, peel open letters, and grade our American youth to victory. Besides, the South Korean government currently raids tutoring centers because they made it illegal to study after 10 o’clock. The kids will be so stressed, they’ll never bring themselves to write anything more than they have to. Join me, and help propel America to educational success!

Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?

7 Dec

I get it. You’re unhappy with your life. But with all the alcohol, drugs, and antidepressants out there, why is watching other people drive their life into the ground the best way to make you feel better? Why isn’t my health teacher explaining the dangers of reality television? Where is the Ad Council campaign against reality TV? I want to know.

Before you people start sending me angry letters about how I’m ragging on the only thing that keeps you going, let’s get this straight: I don’t hate all reality television. Game shows, The Amazing Race, they’re all fine. It’s only the ones that legitimately destroy brain cells that I dislike.

Last night, I watched the show Queen Bees. Surprisingly enough, this isn’t a Discovery documentary, but a poorly-made program in which mean teenage girls live in a house together. The girls were casted based on their nastiness, but earn “stars” when they do good deeds in the house. These “stars” can be used to buy phone calls, nice lunches, and other things. In short, it’s like prison. You can’t see it, but these stars are definitely being used to buy cigarettes off camera. Also, who names the contestants? It’s like their parents opened up The Trampy Baby Name Book, played eenie-meenie-minie-mo, and welcomed their beautiful baby Gisbelle into the world. They’re not a Disney princess, they’re a real human, and need a real human name to match.

Keeping with a similar theme, there’s Kim Kardashian. Kim-K got her start in the earliest form of reality TV, then decided to bring her talents into other media worlds, such as those in which people wear clothes. Solidifying her coveted status as the world’s worst role model, she recently divorced her husband after 72 days, which is shorter than:

  • the trial period on a Snuggie
  • how long the girls on Teen Mom had to stick with their poor decisions
  • the length of time in which the Obama Chia pet was on the market

And yet, her TV show earns her millions of dollars. Despicable.

So, media moguls, here are my ideas for entertaining, informative reality shows, that will hopefully de-stupid America:

Ralph: The story of a man who lost his job, fed his family through frugal spending, then found another steady job with patience and determination.

15 and Stressed: One girl faces boys, grades, and parents with grace and confidence.

The Blog Master: A freshman in high school updates his blog several times a week to mixed reviews and moderate success.

I’m Allergic to (Packing) Peanuts

6 Dec

As all of you hopefully know, the United States Postal Service is at risk of bankruptcy. As an up-standing citizen, I refuse to stand idly by and watch this pillar of American life crumble by the wayside. But, this is a rare occasion, as I am making a criticism with a possible solution in mind.

Your friendly neighborhood mailman.

Bring back the pony express. Even if there was only one horse per post office, small children and their parents would send letters to themselves just to watch a horse come down the street. Also, local offices could have “Support Our Mail Pony” fundraisers, and the outpouring of support would be enough to fund the post office for years, pony or not. It would also solve the unemployment problem, since someone would have to clean up the dung left behind by our hooved (or the occasional inappropriate human) mail carriers.

(Lastly, in a bit of shameless self-promotion, follow this blog if you want mail ponies.)

Another Thing For You to Buy With My Name On It

4 Dec

People are always asking me questions: Where did you learn how to command a room with your presence? What flavor body butter do you use, or is your skin just naturally radiant? Why does my heart flutter and fall like a wounded butterfly when I look at you?

Frankly, I have no idea. My mom buys my body butter.

But, to save my breath and avoid fan encounters dangerous to my reputation, (If you’re Southern, female, and think I may have fathered your child, please e-mail my support team at youhavelowselfesteem@babymamas.com.) I am going to write a book of questions and answers. And here’s the kicker: I write the questions and the answers. Hopefully, this book will inspire you to act more like me, as if the cologne wasn’t enough.

My ultimate goal with this book is to have it read in book clubs everywhere, wherein middle-aged women will like it so much they’ll send handmade textiles. You may not be able to see it through my masculine exterior, but I do appreciate quality needle-pointing. Now, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new book, Overcome Your Social Ineptitude By Acting More Like Me!

93. How can I have as many friends as you do?

If you want more friends, don’t go to all the conventional places you can find friends, such as coffee shops and playgrounds. They’re all used up in terms of friend potential, and all that’s left will be dweebs and nebbishes. Instead, start talking with people at adjacent urinals, especially in high-end stores and restaurants.

167. Why do I feel so inadequate when I compare myself to you?

I think you know the answer to that one.

303. I try to be funny like you, but I just can’t do it. Any tips?

Humor is sort of the hay in a pile of needles. Look in the wrong place, and you’ll stabbed repeatedly, but find the target, and you’ll have something to chew on for a while. Start with popsicle sticks and candy wrappers for fresh material.

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