Another Thing For You to Buy With My Name On It

4 Dec

People are always asking me questions: Where did you learn how to command a room with your presence? What flavor body butter do you use, or is your skin just naturally radiant? Why does my heart flutter and fall like a wounded butterfly when I look at you?

Frankly, I have no idea. My mom buys my body butter.

But, to save my breath and avoid fan encounters dangerous to my reputation, (If you’re Southern, female, and think I may have fathered your child, please e-mail my support team at youhavelowselfesteem@babymamas.com.) I am going to write a book of questions and answers. And here’s the kicker: I write the questions and the answers. Hopefully, this book will inspire you to act more like me, as if the cologne wasn’t enough.

My ultimate goal with this book is to have it read in book clubs everywhere, wherein middle-aged women will like it so much they’ll send handmade textiles. You may not be able to see it through my masculine exterior, but I do appreciate quality needle-pointing. Now, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new book, Overcome Your Social Ineptitude By Acting More Like Me!

93. How can I have as many friends as you do?

If you want more friends, don’t go to all the conventional places you can find friends, such as coffee shops and playgrounds. They’re all used up in terms of friend potential, and all that’s left will be dweebs and nebbishes. Instead, start talking with people at adjacent urinals, especially in high-end stores and restaurants.

167. Why do I feel so inadequate when I compare myself to you?

I think you know the answer to that one.

303. I try to be funny like you, but I just can’t do it. Any tips?

Humor is sort of the hay in a pile of needles. Look in the wrong place, and you’ll stabbed repeatedly, but find the target, and you’ll have something to chew on for a while. Start with popsicle sticks and candy wrappers for fresh material.

5 Responses to “Another Thing For You to Buy With My Name On It”

  1. Riley O'Neill December 4, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    I love u

    • Eliot Pierpont December 6, 2011 at 6:30 am #

      HEY R U THE FATHAH TO MAH BAYBI?!

      • Eliot Pierpont January 10, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

        ^i dont believe that that was me.

  2. Barry Sosnick December 5, 2011 at 10:13 pm #

    So, you are the smartest person on either side of the Mississippi? I agree, but it is because you left out an important detail: MENSA was having its well attended convention on a Mississippi riverboat at the time. That left only half-wits and those blogging about half-wits on either shore.

    Love your writing Charlie…it is much better than having to listen to you. — Uncle Barry

    • Noah Sosnick December 6, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

      Let me be the first non-immediate family member to leave a comment that isn’t chock-full of backhanded compliments…well done sir.
      – Your Resident Family Wordsmith (unpaid newspaper intern, same thing), Noah

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