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Local Mom Assuages Ebola Fears

12 Oct

In a moving conversation with her 4-year-old child, local woman Tina Brody has rallied a nation addled by fears of the ebola virus.

“You can’t get ebola as long as you wash your hands,” she told her son, Luke. “You have been washing your hands, haven’t you?”

Luke came prepared with a variety of incisive queries about the epidemic, which started in West Africa and has claimed more than 4000 lives. “But what if the ebola bites me while I’m sleeping?,” he asked.

Brody countered with her expert insight into epidemiology and disease transmission. “Do you know how small the ebola virus is?” she asked her child. “It’s more scared of us than we are of it.”

Some of Luke’s questions resonated deeply with concerned Americans, afflicted by the wave of ebola hysteria that is sweeping the nation. “Can Derek Jeter get ebola?” he asked.

“I’m not going to let Derek Jeter get ebola,” Tina answered. “And if Derek Jeter can’t get it, how can you, Lukie?”

Brody went on to skewer the news media’s coverage of the outbreak. “Where did you even find out about this, pumpkin?” Brody said. “You shouldn’t be watching the news.”

Tina even addressed the geopolitical nature of the issue, saying, “Do you remember that book we read about Africa? Right, where lions and elephants live. Well, people live very differently over there, sweetheart, and we’re very safe.”

Luke had one final question for his mother on the subject. “But, Mommy, what if the ebola virus begins to claim lives here on American soil due to systematic hubris and lax protocols?,” he said. “Will the Obama Administration and the CDC violate essential civil liberties in their effort to quarantine the outbreak?”

Brody’s answer, a soaring piece of rhetoric, will likely be the knockout punch in the fight against ebola fears. “As long as you stay healthy, you won’t get ebola,” she said. “So sneeze into your elbow and eat your vegetables. Now come give mommy a hug.”

 

 

 

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12 Excuses We All Gave for Not Doing Our Homework

18 Sep

1. My dog ate my homework!

The classic. Where is this mysterious race of paper-eating dogs?

2. I didn’t have time. 

If only I could still say this one at work! LOL

3. It was too hard.

If I had a nickel for every time I said this, I wouldn’t know how much money I had because the math homework was always too hard.

4. My dad said he’d help me, but he was at work late.

In all honesty, not the first time Dad let me down.

5. Dad wasn’t even at home this morning to help me before school.

Where could he be?

6. He told my mom he was just getting a pack of cigarettes and some scratchers on his way home.

Mommy, where’s Daddy?

7. I’m not doing my homework until Dad comes back.

What do you mean he’s not coming back?

8. The sound of sobbing was too distracting.

Mommy, stop crying. You said it yourself. He’s gone.

9. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed this morning.

Please, Lord, take this weight off my shoulders.

10. My mommy couldn’t help me with the work, but she’s going back to school at night so she can.

My mommy can be just as good a daddy as that good-for-nothing oaf ever was!

11. I didn’t have time. I was too busy taking on the world, just my mother and I.

I’m going to college in a few years, and when I walk across the stage in my cap and gown, the infinite possibilities of my bright future laid out before me, my wild ambitions twinkling behind my eyes, I want my father to look at me and know that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away.

12. I did the homework, but I left it at home.

I’m serious! I really did it. Would I lie to you?

 

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Several Celebrities Angered Over Exclusion from Nude Photo Leak

3 Sep

Amidst the uproar surrounding the release of nude photos of A-list stars, a number of celebrities have come out with statements regarding their exclusion from the controversy. Though public opinion has largely been against the illegal hacking of phones and the sharing of compromising personal images without permission, a few brave celebrities have dared to ask why they were left out of the fun.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

Steve Buscemi, an actor that you know as “that guy with the eyes”, called a press conference last week to give his opinion on the matter. “Did anyone ever stop to think that my naked photographs might be just as appealing as Kate Upton’s?,” he said. “I am very disappointed at the media’s refusal to embrace the inherent beauty of the male body. My male body.”

Other men have joined Buscemi’s fight for equality. Raspy-voiced actor Gilbert Gottfried dared the world to download and peruse his nude photographs in a recent interview with Martha Stewart magazine. “How do you know you’re not interested in my pictures? You haven’t even seen them yet!”, he said.

Buscemi suspects that his exclusion from the photo release was deliberate. “My nudie shots are just sitting there on my phone,” he said. “They’re on iCloud! How do you even miss them?”

Buscemi’s tone darkened when asked if he had anything to say directly to the hacker who refused to publish his nude photographs. “You are a cruel and hurtful person. Please do the right thing,” he said, looking directly into a news camera. “Go into my iCloud, find the hi-res photos of my physique, and share them with the world.”

Gottfried echoed Buscemi’s statement regarding the photographs. “Please publish them,” he begged.

At press time, Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, and Roseanne Barr could not be reached for comment.

 

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The Top 10 Decades of the 20th Century

31 Aug

You’ll never believe which ones made the list!  We’ve ranked the 10 best decades from 1900 to 2000, in no particular order.

 

1. The 1930’s

Wow, the 1930’s. How can we summarize this glorious decade in just a short blurb? Honestly, we can’t. So let’s just move on.

 

2. The 1970’s

Disco, Nixon, and Star Wars. The 1970’s were certainly a decade. Definitely one of the 10 best of the previous century.

 

3. The 1950’s

From 1950 to 1959, lots of stuff happened. We’re not going to to go into detail, because you probably already know all about this fantastic decade.

 

4. The 1900’s

This decade was so early, it feels like it wasn’t even in the 20th century. But, it was. So the 1900’s easily crack the list.

 

5. The 1990’s

Such a phat 10 years.

 

6. The 1940’s

Yeah, it’s kind of a ballsy choice. But, in our point of view, the 1940’s are actually one of the 10 most underrated decades of the 20th century.

 

7. The 1960’s

We put a man on the moon. So we put the 1960’s on the list.

 

8. The 1980’s

Blah blah blah blah blah. We don’t believe you read this far, honestly.

 

9. The 1920’s

This decade doesn’t deserve to be here. It doesn’t. It got in on a technicality. Screw this decade.

 

10. We can’t think of another decade.

If we can’t remember it, it couldn’t have been that great. Sorry, whichever decade this is.

 

Leave your favorite decade from this century in the comments! Or don’t. We can’t force you.

 

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French Prince of Bel-Air

5 Aug

In West Paris, born and raised.
In the coffee shop is where I spent most of my days
Writing sad poetry every single day
And smoking tiny cigarettes outside my lycée
When a couple of guys wearing tiny berets
Started making trouble near my chalet
I got in one little fight and my mom said no.
She said ‘You’re moving with your auntie and  your uncle in Bordeaux’.

I grew a tiny mustache that was pencil thin
and packed smelly cheeses inside of a tin.
I’m sure that I stunk like Pepé le Pew.
But who cares how I smell – what’s it to you?

I pulled up to the maison about 7 or 8.
It doesn’t matter when, because I’m generally late.
I said to myself, “C’est la vie, au contraire.”
Time to sit on my throne as the French Prince of Bel Air.

 

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The Lighter Side of the Moon Guide to College Essays

25 Jun

As school ends and summer begins, the cold shackles of academia are finally loosened as students are released into eight weeks of pure fun in the sun. Except for juniors. For the most industrious eleventh graders, summer means the time to start working on college essays in advance of application deadlines in the fall. As a service to you, the readers, I am happy to offer my advice on this process for the low, low price of absolutely free. Tips are always encouraged.

Picking a Topic

A great topic is the foundation for a great essay. Make sure to pick an experience that was of immense importance to you and is unique to your life. Did you suffer through a debilitating illness? Milk it. Have you endured a significant emotional trauma? That’s a goldmine. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have no such tragic experiences, I personally recommend writing about your own birth. You’d be hard pressed to find something that affected your life more than being born.

Openers

Everybody knows you have to kick off an essay with an exciting and inviting hook. You need to start your essay with something unique that gets your point across: Admit me. Consider using statistics like how many days you have been alive or the percentage of your soul you sold during this process. Some people have found success with the Merriam-Webster opener, in which you give the dictionary definition of important words like “admitted” or “college”. However, I would caution against using a quote from an important author or celebrity as it sends the message that you don’t have enough original ides of your own. Putting your own name on the quote is a really quick fix.

Writing the Essay 

Writing the college essay is actually quite simple once you sit down to do it. First, figure out what language you’re going to write in. If you write in something other than English, odds are nobody will be able to read it. But if your essay sucks, this may not be the worst thing. Next, write down some nouns. Almost every college essay has nouns in it and those in the know will tell you that an essay without nouns is very rarely successful. But, you won’t get by on just nouns alone. If you really want a standout piece of writing, toss in some adjectives. But don’t go overboard with the words. Many students often try to include verbs in their essays, but that’s a very risky move as verbs are one of the most challenging types of words. Sprinkle some punctuation throughout all of these other words, and you’ve got a great essay.

Fonts

The font you choose is probably more important than whatever you write. Think about the best books ever written and their typefaces. Huckleberry Finn?  That’s Times New Roman. To Kill a Mockingbird? Times New Roman. The Bible?  Times New Roman probably. If that’s not a great tip, I don’t know what is.

Phrases to Avoid

There are some words and phrases that, no matter what, you shouldn’t use in your essay. Here’s some examples:

  • I’m not racist, but…
  • I don’t really believe in college.
  • I’m not a huge fan of diversity on campus
  • My haters are my motivators.
  • 😉
  • I hope your college has a white rights club.
  • Ask not what your college can teach me, but what I can teach you.
  • My best feature is my body.

Example

I’ve suffered a lot in my life. My dog has canine diabetes. My dad is not very smart. I have mild night terrors. The moral of the story is this: Admit me. I remember my own birth very vividly. In many ways, birth is a lot like learning. It’s a long, dark road that leads to a bright end. Your mom is hopefully there to support you the whole way. There are well-educated people whose job it is to help you through the process. In fact, just by being born, I’ve already learned everything there is to know.

Here are some nouns that describe me: Excellence. Science. Skills.

Here are some adjectives: Superb. Academic. Skilled.

Here’s a verb and some punctuation: Succeed..,*//

If I could, I would make this essay in Times New Roman. I’m not racist, but it’s a great font.

 

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Brave New World Cup

12 Jun

As the World Cup kicked off today in Brazil, EA announced their new corresponding videogame, FIFA World Cup 2014. Gamers everywhere have been eagerly awaiting the release, in large part due to a bevy of new features. Some of the most anticipated include:

Realistic Sound Effects: What’s that roar? Is that the fans cheering you on? No, it’s a massive throng of protestors right outside the stadium! With advanced digital technology, this game produces the most accurate rubber bullet-on-flesh sound ever.

Possum Mode: This highly requested feature lets the user flop all over the pitch, just like their favorite football star! Just a few button taps and you’ll be on the ground, rolling and writhing like there’s no tomorrow. You can play dead on a slide tackle, a rough hit, or even just because someone looked at you funny.

New Weather Settings: In FIFA World Cup 2014, you can choose between sunny, cloudy, rainy, or a light hail that’s actually shoddy concrete falling on your head.

Advanced Coaching: Coaching your team just got even more realistic. You can do more than just sub players or design plays. If your team’s down for the count, just call over a referee and organize a bribe. Wait, can we write that on here? Eh, everyone already knows it’s happening.

Improved Fan Noise: We’ve done away with the muffled rumble of previous games. Now, you can hear 80,000 people screaming racist chants crystal clear! Every epithet will come through with such unparalleled definition, you’ll feel like a banana hit you in the head.

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Ad Hocked

31 May

Hey, it’s Crazy Pete of Crazy Pete’s House of Unpainted Furniture here and I want to tell you about a crazy sale I’m putting on! Wow! Unpainted maple bedframes for only $200! Wow! I guess that’s why they call me Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hi again, it’s Crazy Pete back to tell you about another great sale! Unpainted and unfinished dining room sets for only $500! Wow! This is why they call me Crazy Pete! So crazy! Wow!

What’s up, it’s Crazy Pete! Call a doctor, because I’ve really gone crazy with this latest sale! Only $199 for four unfinished chairs! Wow! Nobody does crazier sales than Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hey, hey, hey, it’s Crazy Pete. You might want to restrict my access to firearms because I’m really going crazy! Only $299 for an unsanded wooden toilet seat? Wow! Crazy Pete!

Howdy, it’s Crazy Pete and all of my loved ones are trying to keep me off the bottle – because I’m going totally crazy! $400 for a table? Wow, that’s crazy!

Ahoy, it’s Captain Crazy Pete here with another swashbuckling sale! Pirate themed playsets for the kids at only $99? Arggh! That’s a sale so crazy, I’m having dissociative episodes! I really think I’m a pirate! Arggh!

Hello, it’s Crazy Pete, and I’m running a sale so crazy, my wife and daughter are afraid of me! But you won’t have to be afraid of the prices on my complete line of lawn furniture! Wow!

Hiya! It’s Crazy Pete of Lakeview Psychiatric Facility’s Rehabilitative House of Macaroni Art! I’m running a sale so sane, you might just feel comfortable reviewing my parole application! Please?

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Moms Shocked To Learn Prom is Actually Not For Them

1 May

Mothers across the country are in a state of disbelief today after discovering that their children’s proms are actually intended to be enjoyed by their children.

Understandably, mothers were outraged at the news. “Prom was supposed to be the most special night of my life,” said Lindy Wold, a mother of a high school junior. “I just wanted to feel like a princess and live vicariously through my daughter on my own special night. They took that away from me.”

“Getting to put on that beautiful dress and ride in a limo is something we all expect to imagine doing at our daughter’s prom,” Ms. Wold said. “And now I can’t.”

Sheila Diewyncezki, owner of Little Miss Glamorous dress boutique, is concerned about how this sudden realization will affect her business. “I sell a ton of dresses around prom every year,” she said. “Not for the girls, but for their moms to wear in the pictures. I don’t know if I’ll survive this, I really don’t.”

One of the biggest complaints coming from the mothers is that their ability to take pictures will be limited by the changes. Betty Palder bought a new camera for her daugter’s prom. “It’s not just about taking pictures of them all dressed up,” she said. “It’s about documenting the night.”

“I wanted to be there when she got out of the limo,” Ms. Palder said. “I wanted to be there when she had her first dance. When she left the prom. When she succumbed to the influence of peer pressure. I wanted to be there with the camera when she did something she’d certainly regret in the morning. And now they won’t let me.”

This maternal presence has even created a negative influence on teens. “All I really want to do is go to prom, dance a little, then maybe watch a movie with some friends,” junior Willy Placid said. “But because of my mom, now I feel like I have to get in trouble and make mistakes.”

Some experts are saying this development could have widespread ramifications on the whole prom industry. Lydia Von Sluice is one such expert. “We’re seeing kids skip out on the corsage, the boutonniere, all the traditional prom affectations to defy their mothers,” she said. “Surprisingly, it seems like kids don’t really want their moms there with them on prom night.”

“It turns out that kids never really cared about any of it. They were just doing it because their mom said it was what she would do,” she added.

At this stage, it appears the mothers are holding firm on keeping graduation solely for their enjoyment.

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Prophet Elijah Receives DUI due to Mother’s Negligence

16 Apr

The Jewish prophet Elijah was arrested and charged with a D.U.I. last night while traveling between homes for the festival of Passover.

As is customary, Elijah traveled to every single Jewish household in the world last night, drinking a cup of wine in each to mark the historical significance of the festival.

It was on a sidestreet in Short Hills, New Jersey that a State Trooper noticed Elijah speeding and pulled him over. A breathalyzer test and verbal confession confirmed Elijah had consumed 85,698 glasses of Manischewitz wine before getting behind the wheel.

Short Hills mother Franny Gutstein blames herself for last night’s incident. “I really should have called him a cab,”  she said.

Elijah’s last home visit before being arrested was at the Gutstein residence. “He came in, he drank the glass of wine, and he got up to go,” Ms. Gutstein said. “He seemed a little tipsy so I offered him to sit down and try some of my famous matzah farfel stuffing but he insisted on leaving.”

Short Hills Police Chief Mike Carlisle was thankful for the arrest. “Every year, Elijah is so reckless,” Mr. Carlisle said. “He’s damn lucky he didn’t wrap his flaming chariot around a telephone pole.”

In response to this incident, concern is mounting for the safety of the Easter Bunny ahead of the holiday this Sunday. Some experts are concerned all those chocolate eggs may finally put Mr. Bunny into diabetic shock this year.

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