Tag Archives: student

The Lighter Side of the Moon Guide to College Essays

25 Jun

As school ends and summer begins, the cold shackles of academia are finally loosened as students are released into eight weeks of pure fun in the sun. Except for juniors. For the most industrious eleventh graders, summer means the time to start working on college essays in advance of application deadlines in the fall. As a service to you, the readers, I am happy to offer my advice on this process for the low, low price of absolutely free. Tips are always encouraged.

Picking a Topic

A great topic is the foundation for a great essay. Make sure to pick an experience that was of immense importance to you and is unique to your life. Did you suffer through a debilitating illness? Milk it. Have you endured a significant emotional trauma? That’s a goldmine. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have no such tragic experiences, I personally recommend writing about your own birth. You’d be hard pressed to find something that affected your life more than being born.


Everybody knows you have to kick off an essay with an exciting and inviting hook. You need to start your essay with something unique that gets your point across: Admit me. Consider using statistics like how many days you have been alive or the percentage of your soul you sold during this process. Some people have found success with the Merriam-Webster opener, in which you give the dictionary definition of important words like “admitted” or “college”. However, I would caution against using a quote from an important author or celebrity as it sends the message that you don’t have enough original ides of your own. Putting your own name on the quote is a really quick fix.

Writing the Essay 

Writing the college essay is actually quite simple once you sit down to do it. First, figure out what language you’re going to write in. If you write in something other than English, odds are nobody will be able to read it. But if your essay sucks, this may not be the worst thing. Next, write down some nouns. Almost every college essay has nouns in it and those in the know will tell you that an essay without nouns is very rarely successful. But, you won’t get by on just nouns alone. If you really want a standout piece of writing, toss in some adjectives. But don’t go overboard with the words. Many students often try to include verbs in their essays, but that’s a very risky move as verbs are one of the most challenging types of words. Sprinkle some punctuation throughout all of these other words, and you’ve got a great essay.


The font you choose is probably more important than whatever you write. Think about the best books ever written and their typefaces. Huckleberry Finn?  That’s Times New Roman. To Kill a Mockingbird? Times New Roman. The Bible?  Times New Roman probably. If that’s not a great tip, I don’t know what is.

Phrases to Avoid

There are some words and phrases that, no matter what, you shouldn’t use in your essay. Here’s some examples:

  • I’m not racist, but…
  • I don’t really believe in college.
  • I’m not a huge fan of diversity on campus
  • My haters are my motivators.
  • 😉
  • I hope your college has a white rights club.
  • Ask not what your college can teach me, but what I can teach you.
  • My best feature is my body.


I’ve suffered a lot in my life. My dog has canine diabetes. My dad is not very smart. I have mild night terrors. The moral of the story is this: Admit me. I remember my own birth very vividly. In many ways, birth is a lot like learning. It’s a long, dark road that leads to a bright end. Your mom is hopefully there to support you the whole way. There are well-educated people whose job it is to help you through the process. In fact, just by being born, I’ve already learned everything there is to know.

Here are some nouns that describe me: Excellence. Science. Skills.

Here are some adjectives: Superb. Academic. Skilled.

Here’s a verb and some punctuation: Succeed..,*//

If I could, I would make this essay in Times New Roman. I’m not racist, but it’s a great font.


School Photo Options

11 Sep

Please check the desired bonus packages available for your child’s school picture.

Height increase: Stop the teasing. We’ll cut off the top of the frame to make your child look 3 inches taller.

Digital Diet: If the camera adds 10 pounds, we’ll doctor off 30.

Wallet Thickener: Photo will be taken in burst mode to fill Grandma’s photo accordion.

Bahamian Vacation: Look like you spent the summer in the tropics with a digitally-applied tan. Please select an intensity level: (Subtle / Moderate / Insensitive)

Serial Killer Look: The news media will splash this photo of you all over as your neighbors say you were a great kid and didn’t expect it. This package will add depth and realism with bags under the eyes, increased paleness, and greasy, lifeless hair.

Humorous Web Post: When the MSN front page puts this picture in “14 Celebrity Yearbook Photos that Might Surprise You” it will certainly dazzle. We’ll enhance your blemishes, change your hair color, and add horribly outdated clothes so they can see how far you’ve come.

Anti-Bullying Workshop

17 Oct

School systems across America do great things to help kids fight bullying and make their learning environments ones in which students are more respectful and care for each other. They offer students strategies to stand up for themselves and aid others who are in sticky situations. However, there are many cutting-edge techniques in the anti-bullying field that often aren’t discussed at these workshops.


The Budding Psychologist 

“Gimme all your lunch money.”

“Sure, you can have the money. But do you not think that your constant need to take from others is a subconscious representation of an emptiness you feel? Is there something in your life that you were never given, and therefore you feel you need to take? Tell me about your mother.”

The Reversal

“Gimme all your lunch money.”

“No, you gimme all your lunch money.”

“No, you gimme all your lunch money.”

“No, you gimme all your lunch money.”

“No, I give you all my lunch money.”


The Messy Reversal

“Gimme all your lunch money.”

(Target responds with a swift jab to the stomach and runs to get the janitor.)

The Yosemite

“Gimme all your lunch money.”

(Target holds his coat high over his head to create the illusion of size, stands very still, and tries to control his heart rate and breathing because they can smell the fear.)

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