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Riding the School Bus … to Depression

3 Feb

Recent statistics have shown that kindergarten at Trinity School in Manhattan is more exclusive than Harvard. The question on everyone’s mind is this: How does a school screen kids in pull-up-pants for intelligence? Here’s the admissions process at my ideal kindergarten.

1. Start with a snack. Offer carrots and cookies. Weed out all those who debate their decision. The world leaders of tomorrow need to be decisive.

2. Bathroom break. Everyone that quietly uses the restroom without mention of their genitalia should be instantly removed. We don’t need any stiffs making this kindergarten stodgy.

3. Examine work from pre-k. Does macaroni art show creativity and care? Can they successfully operate a glue stick? Did students actively respond to literature and make connections? (Ex: Harold has a crayon and so do I. I love reading.)

4. Finish off with a game. Can students independently navigate Candyland, or do they need constant assistance? Does the student understand the subtle differences between “duck”, “duck”, and “goose”? Can the student build a block tower up to waist height without kicking it accidentally?

For some, this game was a land of difficulty and confusion.

Apparently these kindergarteners had to take several standardized tests to have their application considered. The fact that they could even sit at a desk for more than six minutes is frightening, and I am forced to wonder if these are actual five-year-olds. The Dominican Republic baseball team has done well by overshooting the age limit by several years, and the possibility that this occurs in kindergarten application pools is not wholly ridiculous. We’ll just need to cut the habit when they start shaving.

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Mitt Romney’s Hair Speaks Out

25 Jan

Dear Mitt,

Most would consider me the luckiest head of hair alive. I am honored to have served for so many years as Mitt Romney’s signature, unwavering fashion statement, and I believe I’ve done the job well. Unfortunately, my current position is not offering me the creative freedom I need in a job, and I’m considering retirement. I am certainly not the kind of hair that can just wake up every day and be sprayed and combed the exact same way! That’s not me!

Perhaps this is best for both of us. Maybe what the Romney 2012 campaign needs is a fresh new do. But, without a serious change I don’t think I can stick around much longer. While you’re content to just have me wrapped up in the same salt ‘n’ pepper coif every day, that’s not how I roll. Mitt Romney’s hair needs to breathe a little. Please give this letter the consideration it deserves. I doubt Restore Our Future is a huge fan of toupees.

Spitefully yours,

Your Hair

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A DIY Primary Victory Speech

21 Jan

As if everything presidential primary nominees say isn’t written for them, I’ve decided to make this fill-in-the-blank victory speech and sell it to nominees for ridiculous prices. The best things in life aren’t free.

“Good [time of day]! We really did it today! Thanks so much to my campaign staff, my family, and most importantly, the great people of [state]! It is my honest opinion that the biggest threat to America today is [current president], and I will not stop until [current president] stops bringing this country down with him! We can beat him! Now, as we look towards [state], [state], and eventually [state], we need to keep working! This is our chance! We can change America for the better! With [domestic problem], [international problem], and threats from [hostile country] challenging our lifestyles every day, we need a president like [speaker]! We can do it everybody! [Speaker] for president, [year]!”

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What if Jack Hanna Was Your Tennis Coach?

3 Jan

“With your approach shot, you’re gonna wanna be fast and aggressive. Like a shark. Or a tiger. Or a badger.”

“You call that hustle? I’ve helped elephants cross a Cambodian minefield faster than that!”

“God, you stink! Like my friend Sally the Skunk here. Don’t touch her face, she has a tendency to excrete a foul-smelling odor when threatened. It’s one of nature’s great defense mechanisms.”

“If you start sweating, you gotta push through. Come on now. When was the last time you saw a camel give up while crossing the desert? For me, it was last week, actually. But that’s beside the point.”

Put me in, Coach!

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What if Rabbis Were Completely Honest in Bar Mitzvah Speeches?

29 Dec

“Working with Jeremy was not the best experience I’ve ever had with a student. Let’s just say he’s not the tastiest charoset on the seder plate. I think I speak for the whole congregation when I say we’re all surprised you made it this far. Hopefully, none of you noticed the many mistakes Jeremy made earlier this morning, since I know I did. Jeremy, here’s to you, your family, and your long future filled with further mistakes. Shabbat Shalom.”

“Chelsea was a delightful student, except for some things. First off, for the record, thank you Chelsea for coming up with such unoriginal analysis of your portion. It made my life much easier. However, you have that horrible nasally voice. I didn’t know anything could be so grating before meeting the Bat Mitzvah girl. And Mrs. Goldberg, Chelsea’s mom, you’ve got to relax a little bit. Oy gevalt, ever heard of micromanaging? Chelsea, congratulations, and go party. Your mother’s put in a lot of effort on this one.”

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Looks Like the Cat’s Out of the Bag … Along With All Those Novelty Golf Clubs

27 Dec

My grandparents have taught me many important things: how to yell at waiters, how to spend hours in Neiman Marcus, and how to play golf. Golf isn’t my favorite sport, but I don’t mind nine holes every now and again. However, there are obviously some people who don’t have the self-control to sit through a round of golf. If that sounds like you, check out these 3 ridiculous novelty golf clubs.

1. The UroClub

At the most basic level, this is a reasonable idea for a product. You’re on the fairway, you need to take a leak, but you’re far too proud to use the trees in front of your Tuesday morning group.

Classy.

So instead, you walk to a secluded corner, unscrew the UroClub’s triple-seal lid (anything less would be a health hazard) and relieve yourself. Yep, the UroClub is a urine receptacle designed to look like a golf club. Products like these make me really happy, since they make my life a lot easier by practically writing the jokes themselves. Just in case you were worried about someone sneaking a peak while you’re doing your business, it comes with an inconspicuous “privacy cloth” to conceal yourself with. It’s a great idea, since nobody gets suspicious when you spend two minutes wiping the same bit of your club grip at pelvis height. Also, where is the ladies’ version? Golf is no longer a single sex game, but why is there no fair representation in the novelty golf club industry? Everybody sell your stock on this one, because the National Organization for Women is going to be breaking down the doors there any second.

2. The Kooler Klub

How often have you been out golfing, but despaired at your inability to bring along your favorite beverages?

That beverage looks like blood.

The brilliant engineers at Club Champ understand you. They get that you need a cold drink to be at your athletic pinnacle, so they’ve disguised a drink dispenser as a golf club. Catching up on the last day of the season? Fill up the 48 ounce tank (spacious!) with coffee and stay toasty all eighteen holes. Stuck in the trap mid-August? Fill your cup with cold soda and select your lucky iron. At least this one won’t earn you as much social ridicule as the club you pee into. Remember, nothing makes golf better than heavy drinking.

3. Big Daddy Driver

Wow. What a remarkably unspecific name for anything. Allow me to elaborate for you. The Big Daddy Driver has a built-in weedwhacker so you can get a better lie. Sure, by all means, damage the course and ruin the peace for everyone else, just so your ball can sit a little better.

Arms dealers everywhere are after this thing.

Feel free. Seriously, it wouldn’t even make sense to have your driver out when your ball is sitting in the rough. Also, why do we want people that have just gotten drunk off of and urinated into golf clubs using them as garden tools? It’s just a bad combination. Look at the size of that hole! That could certainly screw up someone’s game. Have fun explaining it to a groundskeeper.

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What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

24 Dec

My name is Sherm Lubenstein. I live in the Eastern Confederation, once the world’s most powerful nation. Today, however, in 2231, that is no longer the case.

In 2174, the President decide that what we needed to better our workforce was hyper-specialization, as he described in his classic “What We Need to Better our Workforce is Hyper-specialization” speech. To do so, he made it such that 4-yeard-old’s would choose their careers. These choices are final, so whatever job you pick at the age of 4 is what you’d be stuck with for the rest of your life.

Since the children are allowed to select their jobs, there are tremendous inbalances between careers. At the job selection event in one town with 1000 4-year-olds, there were 365 professional baseball players, 202 astronauts, and 173 ballerinas. Little did they know, a society with 20% of it’s individuals living in space is headed straight for failure. There are only so many dance companies and baseball teams. The 72 ice cream vendors will only pull from the workers in the fields, growing the food our nation needs.

Not to mention, your childhood isn’t ripe with decision-making ability. I made the unfortunate decision to be a professional roller coaster rider, and now suffer from extreme vertigo and chronic nausea. My wife chose to work at a McDonald’s playplace, and now suffers from chronic back pain, as those nets are rather unforgiving after 8 hours. These ailments force massive numbers of people to quit their jobs at too young an age, and put a massive strain on the 84 out of 1000 people that chose to be doctors.

Today, the Eastern Confederation suffers through a myriad of problems that can only be addressed by the repeal of this law. Our government spends millions building spaceships for our astronauts. Our few scientists must figure out how to make Tommy into Buzz Lightyear. (The kid who chose to be Woody was much less of a headache.) I, Sherm Lubenstein, refuse to continue on this path. If you agree, meet me on the Brain-Buster at Rocky Rapids Amusement Park. Wear a carnation on your lapel. Up the Rebels!

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Hipster Baked Goods: Potato Latkes

20 Dec

Here we are, once again, with Hipster Baked Goods. This time, in key with the Hanukkah season, we will be discussing how our barista friends make potato latkes. They re-interpret all the great things about our grandmother’s traditional foods, and put out a substantially worse product. So, without further ado, let’s dive in.

Obviously, potatoes are a key part of latkes. I spoke with one baker who uses potatoes grown during the Irish Potato Famine. That combination of 200 years of fermentation coupled with a crippling fungal disease really give the potatoes some “bite”. I don’t know why those peasants went hungry, because they grew some top-notch infected potatoes. Other makers who pandered to a more specialized clientele made potato latkes for reverse-vegetarians: those who only eat meat. Instead of potato shreds, these artisan chefs cook with the sinew of Kobe calves instead. The tendons are then soaked in a mixture of Bahamian seawater, kumquat juice, and buttermilk. The milk curdles and clings to the sinew, wherein they are fried and served.

One tough choice Jews have to make during the holiday season is apple sauce or sour cream, and several fedora’d cooks really went all-out with their toppings. A particularly succulent one was a sauce made not of apples, but of cantaloupes pressed into a paste by barefoot Bhutanese monks. Then, using a centrifuge, the cantaloupe paste was spun into tiny spheres, which were shot from a pea shooter at the wall, making them back into a paste. They also serve Breakstone sour cream.

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When I Grow Up, I Want to Be An Animal!

10 Dec

Lets’ face it. Humans stink when compared to most other members of our kingdom. Don’t believe me, go eat a carrot. A full-size one. Now describe the way you ate the carrot. Words that come to mind are:

  • Weak
  • Measly
  • Pathetic

Now look at this gigantic insect eating a carrot:

The carrot is being assaulted by that bug. It’s going at it like there’s no tomorrow! Seriously, how awesome is that thing? (Fun fact: This bug weighs more than a sparrow.) I hear flyswatters run screaming when this animal comes their way.

As if that beast wasn’t enough to strike fear into your heart, look at this death machine with wings. It’s wanted in several states for goat-napping. It’s probably using the goats for slave labor, building lavish homes for that flying devil and his crime-ring affiliates. (To see this winged criminal in action go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOkWpavE5gE)

There’s an old saying that animals are man’s best friend. Well that’s about to change. It won’t be along until our golden retrievers crawl into our bed at night with lethal intentions. The animals are getting smarter, and they’ve learned to use toasters, keyboards, and doorbells. We either distance ourselves from the animals, or you wake up to that six-legged demon nibbling at you nose instead of a carrot.

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But MOM, Everyone Else Has One!

8 Dec

In President Obama’s most recent State of the Union Address, he described how US students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and science. While those subjects are all well and good, what about Language Arts? In all seriousness, being able to write is one of the most important skills our nation’s students need to learn, but how can we test writing ability? Do we look at standardized tests? Having taken many of these tests, this information can’t be reliable. How many times in your adult life have you had to write a short story about an elephant that escaped from a zoo and ended up at your house? Sounds like a resounding zero. (If you said yes, I’ll buy your memoir.) Instead, as a nation, we should look at the letters kids write to their parents or  Santa, asking for presents. If these letters are persuasive, that’s all that matters. If our kids are good enough, maybe they’ll be able to write letters asking for presents as adults! My fellow Americans, say goodbye to your fears of receiving socks and sweaters, we’re engineering a new generation of writers! The kind that can write letters and get whatever they want!

The new judge of our children's writing ability.

Retired teachers would no longer have to sit in boring, sun-less rooms with nothing but a pile of essays about the same thing. Instead, they could hide inside mailboxes at Macy’s, peel open letters, and grade our American youth to victory. Besides, the South Korean government currently raids tutoring centers because they made it illegal to study after 10 o’clock. The kids will be so stressed, they’ll never bring themselves to write anything more than they have to. Join me, and help propel America to educational success!

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