Riding the School Bus … to Depression

3 Feb

Recent statistics have shown that kindergarten at Trinity School in Manhattan is more exclusive than Harvard. The question on everyone’s mind is this: How does a school screen kids in pull-up-pants for intelligence? Here’s the admissions process at my ideal kindergarten.

1. Start with a snack. Offer carrots and cookies. Weed out all those who debate their decision. The world leaders of tomorrow need to be decisive.

2. Bathroom break. Everyone that quietly uses the restroom without mention of their genitalia should be instantly removed. We don’t need any stiffs making this kindergarten stodgy.

3. Examine work from pre-k. Does macaroni art show creativity and care? Can they successfully operate a glue stick? Did students actively respond to literature and make connections? (Ex: Harold has a crayon and so do I. I love reading.)

4. Finish off with a game. Can students independently navigate Candyland, or do they need constant assistance? Does the student understand the subtle differences between “duck”, “duck”, and “goose”? Can the student build a block tower up to waist height without kicking it accidentally?

For some, this game was a land of difficulty and confusion.

Apparently these kindergarteners had to take several standardized tests to have their application considered. The fact that they could even sit at a desk for more than six minutes is frightening, and I am forced to wonder if these are actual five-year-olds. The Dominican Republic baseball team has done well by overshooting the age limit by several years, and the possibility that this occurs in kindergarten application pools is not wholly ridiculous. We’ll just need to cut the habit when they start shaving.

2 Responses to “Riding the School Bus … to Depression”

  1. Fiercely Yours February 3, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    When I attended several open houses– that is exactly what it felt like.

  2. Sauce February 5, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Your best blog yet

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