Which Supreme Court Justice Are You?

28 Jan

Are you the life of the party like Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Or are you the guy your friends trust all their secrets with like Clarence Thomas? Maybe you’re the class clown just like Stephen G. Breyer! Take this fun quiz and find out which member of the bench you are!

1. People would describe your courtroom conduct as:
a. stern but fair.
b. firm but sincere.
c. rigid but just.

2. The justice to your left says a funny joke! You:
a. giggle once, inaudibly.
b. slightly raise the corners of your mouth.
c. exhale.

3. It’s Casual Friday at the office! You wear:
a. a black robe. (Classy!)
b. a bedazzled black robe. (Unique!)
c. a black robe with nothing underneath. (Flirty!)

4. In your high school yearbook, you were voted:
a. Most Likely to Enter Jurisprudence
b. Neatest Hairstyle
c. Closet Babe

5. When you walk down the street, it feels like:
a. 78% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
b. 84% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
c. 92% of the country doesn’t know who you are.

6. The best part about being a justice is:
a. the unparalleled job security.
b. the group camaraderie.
c. the paparazzi attention.

If you answered mostly As, you’re one of the Supreme Court Justices! (We’d say which one, but we can’t name one either.)

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Hot Like Fire Sauce®

12 Jan

Some authors have become fabulously wealthy off their work. Much to my chagrin, I have not. But rather than keep chipping away at this humor thing until it pans out, I’ve decided to make my fortune off a single work: a supermarket-shelf romance. As brick-and-mortar book stores die in America, supermarkets are still going strong, meaning my book will reach the maximum audience possible. So, without further ado, I present a portion of my monetary chef d’oeuvre, Taboo: A Taco Bell Love Story. 

Chapter 8: Passion Hot as Fire Sauce™

The pallid glow of fluorescent lighting glinted off her auburn hair, greasy and lifeless like an unopened case of burrito lettuce. I stared deep into her eyes as I bit into a Chalupa Supreme®, and a moist wad of sour cream dripped clumsily down my chin. Suave and smooth, I wiped it on the sleeve of my hoodie. She signaled her affirmation with a girlish grin.

Slowly, I began to put my mouth around the object of my affection; the Fiery Doritos® Locos Taco Supreme was everything I’d hoped it would be. Pausing momentarily, I wondered which was more delightfully curvaceous – her body or this taco shell?  Both made me salivate excessively. Just as I consumed that mystery meat abomination, my lust consumed me. I wanted to unleash my love for her like guacamole from a caulking gun.

The oily tension at our table for two began to overcome us both. Her hands twitched either out of nervousness or a small saturated-fat overdose seizure. My toes curled inside my Crocs, digging deep like the roots of our affection. The raw ache of anticipation welled inside us both. The temperature of the evening climbed from Mild® to Hot® to Fire®, crescendoing  momentously in Limited Edition Fire Roasted®.

Our hands clicked together magnetically, and our heads aligned themselves on that cosmic auto-pilot that only soulmates share. Pausing just inches apart, she looked piningly at my buttery lips and whispered, “I must be a Cantina Steak Burrito® by Lorena Garcia, because I was made just for you.” We held the same tantalizing position as I replied, “You make my heart melt like Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes®.”

Suddenly, our lips locked together, cradling a Shredded Chicken Smothered Burrito® in between our mouths. As we lost ourselves in each other, we were blanketed by a layer of rice and pinto beans. Eventually, we tumbled off our chairs and onto the floor, wallowing in the food detritus like a pair of amorous hogs. We paused for breath, and she flirtatiously fed me a handful of the fallen legumes. From behind the counter an employee, jealous of our connection, yelled, “Ya’ll belong in an institution! Yo, this is wrong, man.”

If it was wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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Today’s Random Thought

25 Dec

An eye for an eye makes the whole world half blind – with limited depth perception.

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Standardized Jest

9 Dec

(An SAT test writer and his wife are sleeping in their bed. It is 2:30 AM.)

HUSBAND (suddenly): Uh, that’s such a great question.
WIFE (sleepy): Wha-t?
HUSBAND  (frenzied): I just thought of the perfect question. After all these years, I’ve got it.
WIFE: Honey, come back to bed. You can write it down in the morning.
HUSBAND: You don’t understand. This is the question we’ve been dreaming of forever – it seems easy enough when you first look at it but it’s actually impossible. Oh, there’s gonna be so many tears!
WIFE: Honey, that’s cruel. Now go to sleep.
HUSBAND: When Beethoven woke up with a symphony in mind did his wife tell him to go to sleep? She might have, but he couldn’t hear her. And the same goes for Van Gogh – he didn’t have an ear or a wife.
WIFE: You write standardized test questions. Relax.
HUSBAND (mad but meek): You don’t understand. This is the question to triumph all questions. All you need is ninth grade math, but still nobody can finish it!
WIFE: Whatever, just finish up and come back to sleep.
HUSBAND (frenzied): Go back to sleep? I have to call the guys! This is going to keep so many kids out of college. The bosses offered a promotion to whoever could increase the number of sobbing fits and this is just what the doctor ordered.
WIFE: Don’t you ever feel bad about all the stress these kids go through?
HUSBAND (defensive): I like to think we’re testing their academic aptitude and college readiness.
WIFE: Do you really want to make these kids upset? Think back to when you were this age.
HUSBAND (distressed): But, this is my crowning achievement. I did it.
WIFE: But you’ll know you didn’t make some adolescent girl cry on a Saturday morning. Now go to sleep.

(The man lays down and waits for his wife to sleep. He quietly stands up, writes down the question, and basks in its sadistic glow. The warm hug of power has finally overpowered him. Owning the moment, he stands up and declares “Man is the cruelest animal” as he manically cackles himself to sleep.)

 

 

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Wal-Mart’s Best Black Friday Deals

29 Nov

6:00 PM Thursday

  • Automatically entered to win a copy of “Commercialist Tramplings: 3D”
  • 50% off Unhappy Sales Employee Action Figure (time with family not included)
  • One free night in a tent at a Walmart of your choosing

8:00 PM Thursday

  • Complimentary nagging thought of what Thanksgiving would have been like
  • 25% off a toaster oven you didn’t know you needed until now
  • $100 off a TV whose horrific reviews seem meaningless at this price

8:00 AM Friday

  • $50 off your child still whining because you bought the wrong iPod
  • 100% off your own value of sleep and relaxation
  • Free sense of impending holiday doom with purchase of discounted Christmas decorations

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Facebook for Moms

14 Nov

Facebook shares soared 15% Wednesday on blowout quarterly results — but the stock lost steam after the company admitted young teens are losing interest in the site. – CNN Money

With Facebook usage declining among young people, the company is introducing several changes targeted towards its older user base. Last week, the company introduced an entirely new version of the website with demographic-specific features: Facebook for Moms.

New features include:

Automated comments – Just press the automated comment button and you’ll get a customized comment from the phrases moms use most:

    • “blessed”
    • “wow”
    • “love you”
    • “lots of love”
    • “love you lots”
    • “so grown up”

SAMPLE: Wow!!!! So grown up! Love you lots! 

Easy Exclamation Points – Busy moms don’t have time to add all of those unnecessary exclamation points to their posts and comments. Now, just type one and we’ll add three extra automatically.

Smart Captioning – Post a picture and Facebook will automatically caption it with the child and vacation spot in this picture. You can turn this feature off, but we know you’re not posting anything but pictures of your kids on vacation.

Unlimited Game Updates – Your friends deeply, deeply care about your Candy Crush Saga progress. With this new feature, you can share your scores every two seconds.

Pinterest Compatibility – Facebook will automatically comment “Wow!! So beautiful!!!” on any pinboards titled “Dream Wedding”, “Home Decorating Ideas”, or “Desserts to Try”.

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Debate and Tackle

4 Nov

SCENE: The small town of Pinecone, Maine is holding a local election. To help educate voters, they are hosting a moderated debate between the two candidates in the local library’s lecture hall.

ANNOUNCER: In this corner, weighing in at 108 pounds, a mother of seven with a background in law, the mama bear with a roar to match, Christy Tamburro! And in this corner, the incumbent, weighing in at 285 pounds, a restauranteur and man-about town, he’s a Democrat donkey and he can kick, Craig Weeks! This town hall debate will be moderated by Laura Langston, online editor of the Pinecone Bugle.
LAURA: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 Pinecone First Selectman debate. Tonight, we will offer town residents the chance to ask questions directly to the candidates. We will give the candidates thirty seconds to introduce themselves and their platform before the questions. Ms. Tamburro, you won the coin toss, would you like to introduce yourself first or defer to your opponent?
CHRISTY: I would love to introduce myself. Hello, my name is Christy Tamburro. I have lived in Pinecone for twenty-one years, fourteen of which were with my estranged husband, Peter. I worked as a paralegal for the law offices of Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, and Schwartz LLC until the birth of my first child. Being a mother was my true calling, and I dedicated myself to bringing my little blessings into the world. As all of the mothers out there know, being a mom requires listening to all kinds of people and making decisions, and as your first selectman I will make sure every voice is heard. Even if you’re all yelling in the back of my minivan! (stifled laughter) I believe in honest governance and service to the people, which is why we must stop Craig Weeks in his tracks. He is a dangerous radical who is driving us off a fiscal precipice. See you at the polls!
LAURA: Mr. Weeks, you may introduce yourself.
CRAIG: Goooooooooood morning Pinecone! My name is Craig “Big and Tall” Weeks and I am your current and future first selectman. I am a proud congregant of St. Joseph’s Church, where I am known for rarely attending services and donating conspicuously to collections. I own Frederico’s Pizza and Golden Mountain Fun Palace Szechuan, Hunan, Cantonese, and Pan-Asian Cuisine, two of the best restaurants in our town.  I love everything about Pinecone, from the Winter Caroling Half-Marathon, to the Halloween Pumpkin Cannon Competition, to the Halloween Egging of the Post Office. Let’s make this town even greater – together!
LAURA: Now, let’s bring up local resident Jacob Kraus, owner of Jake’s Bean Bar, to ask the first question.
JACOB: Hello candidates. My coffee shop is just one feature of Pinecone’s great commercial district. What will you do to ensure that small business owners like me can stay viable in our town?
CHRISTY: Hi Jacob, and thank you for your question. Small business is the lifeblood of this town and this nation. I will do everything in my power to ensure low tax rates and financial security for American dreamers like you. And if any big box stores ever try to spread their roots in Pinecone, I swear to high heaven I will burn them to their foundations. As first selectman, I will protect your businesses like I do my seven beautiful children. Thanks again, Jacob.
CRAIG: Jacob, I love shopping in Pinecone. You know I wouldn’t get my chai lattes from anywhere else but Jake’s, would I? You’re my guy! You’re my coffee guy! I would lay down in front of a steam locomotive for our small businesses, and I have braved the political firestorm time and time again to protect owners like you. Let’s go Pinecone! Woo!
LAURA: Our next question comes from Nan Pedersen, the lady that is always feeding pigeons and sitting on a bench. Nan, go ahead.
CHRISTY: Hello, Nan!
CRAIG: Hey, hey, Nan! Have you lost weight?
NAN: Hi. I just wanted to say that you guys are the best candidates Pinecone has had since I was a little girl. You know, we didn’t have electricity here until 1952. We used to use an outhouse where I lived! My, the progress. I just love everything about Pinecone- the libraries and the people and the trees. It’s just a lovely, little town and I –
LAURA: Ma’am, do you have a question to ask?
NAN: *snoring*
LAURA: Thanks for nothing, Nan. Our next question comes from sixth grader Kenneth Meyer. Go ahead, Kenneth.
KENNETH (sweaty): Um, hi. Um, candidates, um, what would you, um, like, um, do to, um, make our schools, um, and our, like, education, um, more better, um, for the, um, people, um, of generations and people, um, and people of the future, um, to, um –
CHRISTY: You got it, Kenneth.
CRAIG: Rock on, Kenny!
KENNETH: Um, make it better?
CHRISTY: Thank you so much for your question. It’s just great to see young people like you participating in our political dialogue. What I would do for our schools is-
CRAIG: Yeah, excuse me, Christy. Your question is so vital because it speaks to our most basic need as a town: educat-
CHRISTY: Sorry, Craig. Kenneth, you remind me so much of my son Tom. And my son Peter. And my son Ralph. Kids today face a var-
CRAIG: Kenny, do you like hockey? Because I’ve got minor league season tickets with your name on it if you can deliver on your parents…
CHRISTY: I want to make you dinner every day for the next year if you can get me some votes, Kenny –
LAURA (loudly): Thank you, Kenneth. Candidates, you may now deliver your closing remarks. Since Ms. Tamburro opened the debate, Mr. Weeks will speak first.
CRAIG: Thank you, Laura. I love the town of Pinecone and you all do, too. So let’s make it better. I believe this town can be one of the best in the country if we all work together. We already lead the county in blueberry exports and we were listed in the 2011 Cracked.com article “11 Towns with Surprisingly Humorous Police Blotters”. So rock the vote, Pinecone! Chant with me: Craig! Craig! Craig! (nobody joins in)
LAURA: Ms. Tamburro, your turn.
CHRISTY: Thank you very much, Laura, for moderating this debate. Thank you to the Library for hosting the debate. And thank you Pinecone, for participating so actively. However, there is one person here who deserves no thanks – Craig Weeks. Over his last term, Craig has driven this town into the ground, destroying everything our forefathers worked to create. As proof, I present to you First Selectman Weeks’s Internet history over the last term. Laura, could you please read this aloud (hands paper to moderator)
LAURA: Um, okay, candidate. Ahem:

  • AngelaMerkelNipSlip.whitehouse.gov
  • Google search for “simple embezzlement tips”
  • Amazon receipt for Embezzlement for Dummies
  • Google search for “hairless armpits”
  • WebMD search for “localized alopecia”
  • Google search for “cases of hairless armpits”
  • Amazon receipt for “Armpit Hair Plugs”

LAURA: And with that, we will close the 2013 Pinecone debate. Thanks for showing up, and goodnight.

The following day, this editorial was read by most of the town. (Click to enlarge.)

fake newspaper

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Single and Ready to ChristianMingle

24 Oct

Online dating can be a minefield of misunderstanding. Piercing the veil of smoke in self-written profiles is nearly impossible for many people. The first dates are often fraught with confusion when the online descriptions don’t translate into reality. The following is a guide on how to imagine the first date based on information from the web:

“Hi, I’m Kiki. I am a classy, articulate girl who loves to have new experiences. I am thrifty, optimistic, and I always speak my mind.  My passions include horseback riding and the theatre.”

“classy, articulate”

KIKI: Do you drink a lot of wine?
YOU: Not really, no.
KIKI: Well, you really should try this Bordeaux. The layers of apricot and pear really pair nicely. It’s got this bold flavor, but I just can’t quite figure what it is…
YOU: Red wine?
KIKI: No, it’s something more than that. They were just talking about it in Wine Aficionado, which is a magazine that I subscribe to.
YOU: Interesting.
KIKI: You can basically tell how good a wine is by how many vowels there are in the name.

“thrifty”

KIKI: I’ll have the filet mignon, please.
WAITER: Eight or twelve ounces?
KIKI (to you): You’re paying, right?
YOU (to Kiki): Uh, I guess so, yeah.
KIKI (to waiter): Fourteen ounces, please.
WAITER: Okay.
KIKI (to waiter): And can I just get two lobster tails on top of that?
WAITER: That will be a fifteen dollar surcharge.
KIKI: That’s fine, and can I just get an order of twenty-four oysters, please? Don’t bother bringing them to the table, I’m just gonna eat them some other time.

“optimistic”

KIKI: This date is going super well, right?
YOU: Yeah. Pretty super.
KIKI: I went to Cancun last summer and it was so beautiful. I can totally see us getting married there. On the beach at sunset, it’d be so gorgeous.
YOU: My parents were in Mexico last year and – wait, what?

“I always speak my mind”

KIKI: The lady behind me is farting like a bulldog.

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Fun Columbus Day Celebrations

14 Oct

Columbus Day is sometimes called “Christmas in October”, or “Magellan Day on Steroids”. Yet, many of you likely don’t celebrate this important day with the same zest as other holidays. Here are some creative and crafty ways to get in the Columbus Day spirit this year:

  • Wear a funky exploration-themed sweater to school or work
  • Make cool art projects like hand tracing turkeys or finger painting root vegetables to commemorate the Columbian Exchange
  • For the kids: make Taino costumes at home and organize the children in a parade (Bring shackles for the group if you’re the life of the party)
  • Make fun Columbus tree ornaments in the shape of your favorite virus, like small pox or syphilis
  • Recreate the famous story by walking into someone else’s home and “discovering” it

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TV Show Synopses Based on Their Titles

30 Sep

Hawaii Five O – A group of divorceés head to the Aloha State to celebrate their 50th birthday.

Royal Pains – Prince Charles finally passes his kidney stone.

The Walking Dead – Nursing home residents get up and move.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – A harried mom decides to go to the gym, gets in the car, changes her mind, then goes inside to take a nap.

The Amazing Race – A panel of white supremacists celebrate the virtues of being white.

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