Archive | Scripts RSS feed for this section

Allergies

26 Apr

CHARLIE: Good morning! Oh wow, your eyes are so red.

WALTER (calmly): Allergies.

CHARLIE (curious): You sure? They look so puffy. I think they’re oozing.

WALTER: Nope. Just allergies.

CHARLIE (concerned): Do you realize your nose is bleeding profusely?

WALTER: You know, pollen.

CHARLIE: Your hair is falling out! Go to a doctor!

WALTER: I guess the Claritin didn’t work. What’re you gonna do?

CHARLIE: Please, go to a hospital! You’re so jaundiced.

WALTER: It’s just allergies, man! Calm down.

CHARLIE: Oh my God! You’re coughing up blood! I’ll get the nurse!

WALTER: No need. I heard the pollen count is really high this week. (He collapses.)

CHARLIE: You legitimately have ebola. Don’t touch me!

WALTER: Allergies!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Bieber’s Big Adventure

22 Apr

Rumors are flying that Justin Bieber will be attending the esteemed Cornell University next fall as a student (he had better chances at admission being a foreign applicant). Though this story is proven to be blatantly false, I have certain obligations as a blogger to perpetuate lies generated on the Internet. Here is a leaked transcript from Justin’s admissions interview:

 

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to come here to Cornell?

BIEBER: Well, I’m excited to begin this next project, and I really hope the fans like this. Everything I do is for the fans. They’re my backbone. They motivate me.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me? You are applying to a university. Your fans do not matter.

BIEBER: Whoa. I’m not here to make anyone angry. I just want to make some music and have fun. I think Cornell’s going to be a great next step in my life path. I’ve done great things in the music world, but there’s still things I want to do.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your prospective major?

BIEBER: I’m going to major in swag, you know? No, I’m really not sure. Definitely not music, or anything like that. I’ll probably survey my fan base on what they want me to do. Current options are veterinary science and aeronautics. Imagine me flying an airplane. That’d be tight!

INTERVIEWER: Quite honestly, I wouldn’t want you flying a plane. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

BIEBER: I’m in it to win it. I’ll really fight for the admissions slot. Cornell’s the place for me. My whole life, I’ve learned that if you have a dream, you’ve got to go catch it. Look out Cornell, here comes Justin Bieber.

INTERVIEWER: That was really believable. Do you have any questions about Cornell before we conclude?

BIEBER: On a scale of one to ten, rank the girls here. Any nice biddies on the campus?

INTERVIEWER: Please leave my office.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sidharth Sings for the Elderly

11 Apr

(Three elderly men, liver spots and all, are seated around a circular table. General nursing home hubbub goes on around them.)

MILFORD: So who do you think’s going to win the Wisconsin primary? I don’t care just as long as he repeals everything that Muslim communist has done in the last four years.

SHLOMO: Back in the old country, I would trudge nine miles to a voting booth, only to have the muzzle of a gun shoved in my back. There was no freedom in that horri-

WALT: Where’s Wisconsin? Hahahaha.

MILFORD: Oh look, another visitor. Eighty two years old and I can’t even finish a crossword puzzle.

(An elementary student enters the door and stands next to the table.)

SIDHARTH: Hello, I’m Sidharth. I’m in the third grade and I’m here to sing songs for you!

WALT: My cashier at PriceChopper is named Nikhil. Do you know him?

MILFORD: Of course, Obama sends more handouts. He probably thinks we’re too old and infirm to afford our own singers, but I’ll show the liberal I’m fiscally independent!

SHLOMO: In the old country, there were no singing handouts. If we wanted music, we sold potatoes at the market to buy the sheet music. That’s the kind of message we need to send to good little boys like Snidgarth.

SIDHARTH: Sidharth.

SHLOMO: What?

SIDHARTH: You said Snidgarth. I am Sidharth.

SHLOMO: Spidlarth, begin your singing!

SIDHARTH (singing): My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty…

WALT (yelping): I can’t get no satisfaction… I love Mick Jagger!

MILFORD: Walt! Stop yelling. This little ethnic child is going to pay for our Medicare someday.

SIDHARTH(walking away): I can’t take this anymore! Milford – you’re really bigoted. Walt – you can’t hold a conversation, and Shlomo – you’re from Passaic!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Please Don’t Call Here Again

7 Apr

TELEMARKETER: Hello, can I please speak to Candace?

CANDACE: This is Candace. How can I help you?

TELEMARKETER: Sorry to bother you at nine a.m. on Christmas, but do you enjoy eating carrots?

CANDACE: Yes. I’m on the do-not-call list, can you please leave me alone?

TELEMARKETER: Does your urine ever appear greenish or carry an acidic odor?

CANDACE: Excuse me? How is that even relevant?

TELEMARKETER: Good, you’re not allergic to carrots. I’m here to tell you all about a fantastic new service called Sandra’s Carrot Delivery.

CANDACE: Please don’t call here ever again.

TELEMARKETER: Wait, wait, wait! Here at Sandra’s, we’ve got baby carrots, full-size carrots, cooked carrots, mashed carrots, roasted carrots, stewed carrots. We can dice them, chop them, pound them; really, if it involves carrots, we’ll deliver it to you.

CANDACE: Why would anyone want that? That’s such a bad business model.

TELEMARKETER: Great! So you’re interested. For just $79.99 a month plus shipping and handling, we’ll deliver unlimited carrots to your door.

CANDACE: That’s so much money! Does anyone actually buy deliverable carrots from this stupid sales pitch?

TELEMARKETER: Miss, there’s no need to insult my profession. I work hard to hear people yell at me all day. Do you know what that’s like to have a job where people scream at you all the time?

CANDACE: I’m sorry. That was rude of me.

TELEMARKETER: But you know what will have you screaming: For an additional $34.99, we’ll add free turnips into this remarkable package.

CANDACE: Good bye.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Signs You’ve Chosen the Wrong Night for Speed Dating

22 Mar

BOY: Wanna hear a joke?

GIRL: Sure.

BOY: Too bad. If I were funny, would I really need to speed date?

 

(Girl walks up to table.)

BOY: Can I have a cheeseburger, please?

GIRL: I’m not a waitress. I’m your next date.

BOY: Wait, this is speed dating? No wonder no one’s brought me my food.

 

GIRL: Do you like bowling?

BOY: No.

GIRL: Me neither. I guess we have a lot in common.

BOY: Do you like Star Wars?

GIRL: No…

BOY: NEXT!

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Newt’s 2013 White House Halloween Party

16 Mar

NEWT: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 White House Halloween party. Thanks so much to my fourth wife, Shawna, for planning this wonderful event. I’m sure you can see, I’m dressed as one of the America’s greatest leaders, Ronald Reagan. In this new presidency, I think it would be nice to pay homage to the man, the myth, and the legend with this little get-together, as we bring Ronald Reagan conservatism back to America!  Now, if you kids want to start trick-or-treating, we have jelly beans all over the room.

(Talking with a congressman)

NEWT: …with abortions, I guess I’m against them. But hey, what if that little fetus is the next Great Communicator? I don’t think I can be the judge of that!

(With the commander of NASA)

NEWT: The moon colony’s gonna need a fresh new motif, and I’ve got an idea: every flight is named for a different Ronald Reagan movie. And the main base – we’ll call it the Gipper!

(Two staff members are chatting in the corner.)

STAFF 1: You seen Newt? I just saw him with the senator a second ago.

STAFF 2: Yeah, I think he’s out with his “female friend”. But don’t worry: it’s only impeachable if you’re a Democrat.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Sommelier Gets Crafty

12 Mar

SCENE: A flashy restaurant. A tuxedoed man is seated with his guests, while a sommelier in a white dinner jacket explains the wine list.

CUSTOMER: I’d like something fruity, yet smokey. Ever left a cupcake out in the rain? Something like that.  Something that goes down easy.

SOMMELIER: Well, the latest trend is a drink with a little more constitution. I’ve got a personal favorite from New Mexico you might like.

CUSTOMER: Fine, what do you suggest?

SOMMELIER: The Suahcahtaka Merlot might be nice. It complements this group atmosphere nicely. And it’ll go great with the seafood platter, too. It has notes of bacon, stained glass, and nursing home bathwater. Coming from a Northwest South Carolina Sommelier of the Week like myself, it’s got a lovely bouquet.

CUSTOMER: Actually, the seafood looks a bit pricy. How would it go with the duck?

SOMMELIER: Well, you need the seafood. Unless you wanna miss out on the merlot. A fine wine is like a fine woman – both need a loving companion, be it a sensitive male or a seafood platter.

CUSTOMER: Fine. Bring them both out.

(Sommelier brings out the wine. He clumsily pours the wine into a salad dressing can and back into a cup.)

CUSTOMER: That’s an odd-looking decanter.

SOMMELIER: It’s new technology. So, you like the wine?

CUSTOMER (gagging): It’s a little hard to take.

SOMMELIER: It requires a very selective palette, at least that’s what WINE SPECTATOR said. It should almost feel like you’re eating a porcupine. It should be painful. The best wines assault the senses.

CUSTOMER: Can we see the wine list again?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Take Out Your Wallet, and Call…

7 Mar

(Camera is lifted out of it’s rural hometown by a tornado. It wakes up to find itself in a cozy, well-decorated living room. On a red couch sits that actor from that movie. Every single audience member take out their iPhone to consult IMDB.)

ACTOR: Hi! I’m Cletus Toddwick, from such films as “Oh, That’s Where He’s From” and “Wasn’t that the Same Director as Ferris Bueller?”. I’m here to talk to you about a growing problem affecting pet-owners everywhere: feline balding. Every day, millions of innocent cats cry out for help as their fur come out in the fistful.

(Start slideshow. Include plenty of bald cats.)

CLETUS (talking over video): And it’s not just housecats: all over the world, jaguars, cougars, and tigers are rendered helpless as their coats fall out. But you can help.

(Turn back to Cletus. He looks legitimately concerned at the fate of balding cats.)

CLETUS: For just thirty five dollars a day, you can help us buy wigs and hair-retaining shampoo for at-risk felines. You can be the change. And for a small five hundred dollar donation, we’ll send you a 1996 calendar of gross hairless cats. Thanks for your support.

(Commercial ends with exceedingly sad classical music, as more pictures of bald cats show. Cletus is smiling at the thought of his new Mercedes. According to his lawyer, “shampoo” is interchangeable with “luxury cars” in some places.)

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Elderly: A Series of (Very) Short Plays

4 Mar

(A young immigrant woman is responding to an old women’s request: Seeking help in household chores. Will offer room and board. Applicant must be spineless and willing to deal with my growing senility.)

APPLICANT: Miss? I’m here about the job offer.

OLD LADY: Oh, marvelous! You’re hired.

APPLICANT: Really? Just like that?

OLD LADY: Of course. Now, where are you from?

APPLICANT: Colombia. I moved here last year.

OLD LADY: Colombia? My friend Margaret’s housekeeper is from Jamaica! Those countries are close, right? Maybe you know him!

APPLICANT: No, those countries aren’t even cl-

OLD LADY: I’ll call Margie right away! Can you call my grandson first? Ask him where I put the cordless phone.


(A boy has just kicked a football through an old man’s window)

OLD MAN: You can’t just take windows for granted, you hear? Back in my day, we didn’t have windows. If we wanted to look outside, we had to cut a hole in the wall and –

BOY: But couldn’t you just go outside? You definitely had doors or something.

OLD MAN: Don’t sass me! I fought in Korea! I’m not going to let some long-haired, skateboarding youngster take advantage of me in my old age!

(Anyone paying attention up to this point would realize this boy has neither long hair nor a skateboard.)

BOY: Anyway, sorry about the window, mister. Do you want me to work it off, maybe?

OLD MAN:  Just forget it! My Metamucil’s kicking in.


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →