Please Don’t Call Here Again

7 Apr

TELEMARKETER: Hello, can I please speak to Candace?

CANDACE: This is Candace. How can I help you?

TELEMARKETER: Sorry to bother you at nine a.m. on Christmas, but do you enjoy eating carrots?

CANDACE: Yes. I’m on the do-not-call list, can you please leave me alone?

TELEMARKETER: Does your urine ever appear greenish or carry an acidic odor?

CANDACE: Excuse me? How is that even relevant?

TELEMARKETER: Good, you’re not allergic to carrots. I’m here to tell you all about a fantastic new service called Sandra’s Carrot Delivery.

CANDACE: Please don’t call here ever again.

TELEMARKETER: Wait, wait, wait! Here at Sandra’s, we’ve got baby carrots, full-size carrots, cooked carrots, mashed carrots, roasted carrots, stewed carrots. We can dice them, chop them, pound them; really, if it involves carrots, we’ll deliver it to you.

CANDACE: Why would anyone want that? That’s such a bad business model.

TELEMARKETER: Great! So you’re interested. For just $79.99 a month plus shipping and handling, we’ll deliver unlimited carrots to your door.

CANDACE: That’s so much money! Does anyone actually buy deliverable carrots from this stupid sales pitch?

TELEMARKETER: Miss, there’s no need to insult my profession. I work hard to hear people yell at me all day. Do you know what that’s like to have a job where people scream at you all the time?

CANDACE: I’m sorry. That was rude of me.

TELEMARKETER: But you know what will have you screaming: For an additional $34.99, we’ll add free turnips into this remarkable package.

CANDACE: Good bye.

2 Responses to “Please Don’t Call Here Again”

  1. Michael Dwells April 9, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    Hahahaha! I guess some telemarketers can be very witty after all. I’ve gotten several telemarketing calls before and they all sound monotonous. Guess, yours is the kind who is able to fool a lot of consumers into getting their nonsensical offers.

    By the way, do you still have the phone number, Candice? Maybe you’d like to share it so we’d know which phone number to look out for. Or better yet, I suggest you report that to so more people get to read the warning. I think’s that’s a great idea.

    • wizardofsoz April 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

      Thanks, but I am neither Candace nor did this actually happen. Anyway, I’m glad you thought it was funny!

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