Rumors are flying that Justin Bieber will be attending the esteemed Cornell University next fall as a student (he had better chances at admission being a foreign applicant). Though this story is proven to be blatantly false, I have certain obligations as a blogger to perpetuate lies generated on the Internet. Here is a leaked transcript from Justin’s admissions interview:
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to come here to Cornell?
BIEBER: Well, I’m excited to begin this next project, and I really hope the fans like this. Everything I do is for the fans. They’re my backbone. They motivate me.
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me? You are applying to a university. Your fans do not matter.
BIEBER: Whoa. I’m not here to make anyone angry. I just want to make some music and have fun. I think Cornell’s going to be a great next step in my life path. I’ve done great things in the music world, but there’s still things I want to do.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your prospective major?
BIEBER: I’m going to major in swag, you know? No, I’m really not sure. Definitely not music, or anything like that. I’ll probably survey my fan base on what they want me to do. Current options are veterinary science and aeronautics. Imagine me flying an airplane. That’d be tight!
INTERVIEWER: Quite honestly, I wouldn’t want you flying a plane. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
BIEBER: I’m in it to win it. I’ll really fight for the admissions slot. Cornell’s the place for me. My whole life, I’ve learned that if you have a dream, you’ve got to go catch it. Look out Cornell, here comes Justin Bieber.
INTERVIEWER: That was really believable. Do you have any questions about Cornell before we conclude?
BIEBER: On a scale of one to ten, rank the girls here. Any nice biddies on the campus?
INTERVIEWER: Please leave my office.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 
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