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Debate Rages On: Is House with Christmas Lights 3 Months Early or 9 Months Late?

22 Sep

Lighter Side of the Moon – East Bethlehem, PA

A spirited debate is consuming a small Pennsylvania town today as the community grapples with an important question: Is the house with its Christmas lights up really ahead or  months behind?

The house, a three bedroom ranch on Apathy Lane, entered the limelight on Monday when concerned neighbors called the National Center for Seasonal Home Décor.

Lighting Commissioner for the NCSHD, Rick Snooty, immediately recognized the gravity of the situation.  “Inappropriately timed holiday lighting is a veritable scourge in our society and should not be taken lightly,” Snooty said.  “What seems like simple laziness could actually come from genuine, deep-seated malice.”

On the contrary, Porter von Pfeffer, long-time adjudicator of the East Bethlehem Garden Contest, appreciates the effort that went into the home’s display.  “Every year, the Christmas decoration contest gets more and more heated,” von Pfeffer said.  “I could have predicted that the competitors would start building their entries earlier and display them for longer.”

Many holiday cheer advocates are feeling “jolly” over this display of spirit.  Booker Marshall, leader of the PAC “St. Nick Impersonators for Progress,” lauded the homeowners for their brave display of devotion.  “Halloween, Valentine’s Day – the great commercialist holidays are crumbling as American institutions,” Marshall said.  “They show great courage in supporting the Christmas industry so boldly.”

The conflict has quickly grown out of the town and consumed the nation.  President Obama even joined the conversation on Twitter, saying, “I dream of a day when we can celebrate holidays in harmony, even nine months too late #brotherhood.”

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The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross

15 Sep

“I was the guy who makes you scrub the latrine, the guy who makes you make your bed, the guy who screams at you for being late to work. The job requires you to be a mean, tough person” – Bob Ross on his Army days

(Bob Ross is in the studio, working on a painting in front of the camera.)

BOB ROSS: And now, let’s put some happy little clouds in the sky. We can do whatever we want in our painting, so let’s add some happy little clouds. We’re just going to mix some Creamy White with some Eggshell – where the %$#! is the Eggshell? Which *^%&$#?  %!@#head forgot to put the Eggshell on my palette? How !*@^#!& hard is it to do that before I get here? $#%! the %$@%^ Egg&#% before I ^$%& up %#!$#%! PBS? More like %$!&!

(Producer runs up with tube of Eggshell.)

BOB ROSS: And how about we paint a happy little mountain, too.

 

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School Photo Options

11 Sep

Please check the desired bonus packages available for your child’s school picture.

Height increase: Stop the teasing. We’ll cut off the top of the frame to make your child look 3 inches taller.

Digital Diet: If the camera adds 10 pounds, we’ll doctor off 30.

Wallet Thickener: Photo will be taken in burst mode to fill Grandma’s photo accordion.

Bahamian Vacation: Look like you spent the summer in the tropics with a digitally-applied tan. Please select an intensity level: (Subtle / Moderate / Insensitive)

Serial Killer Look: The news media will splash this photo of you all over as your neighbors say you were a great kid and didn’t expect it. This package will add depth and realism with bags under the eyes, increased paleness, and greasy, lifeless hair.

Humorous Web Post: When the MSN front page puts this picture in “14 Celebrity Yearbook Photos that Might Surprise You” it will certainly dazzle. We’ll enhance your blemishes, change your hair color, and add horribly outdated clothes so they can see how far you’ve come.

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A Tennis Brand Slam

9 Sep

ANNOUNCER: And now, we’re live with the first press conference for recently crowned U.S. Open champion, Tom Greedy.

TOM: Hey, this is just such a great achievement for me and I’m so happy and I want to thank everyone that’s helped me get here but first, just a quick word from my sponsors:

Nike Tennis has provided the sweat-wicking, performance-enhancing lifewear that kept me on the toes throughout the tournament. Nike Tennis: the only sport clothing that makes you imagine you’re playing better.

Adidas Originals hooked me up with these incredible shoes. With an unparalleled combination of supreme comfort, quality construction, and their proprietary Trak-Shun rubber soles, Adidas shoes will keep you on your feet.

My sweatband came from Under Armour. You saw how sweaty I was during that final set? Oh, you didn’t? Exactly. Under Armour: Hang your opponents up to dry.

My towels came from Mike’s Beach Accessories and Embroidery. Mention this speech and you’ll get twenty percent off your first purchase.

Shout out to Yolanda’s Business Cleaners for picking up the tab on my laundry during the tournament. Their poised, professional service let me stay focused on what I do best, thanks guys.

My signature grunt this year: *hhhyyuuuuuurrrrrggDoohey,Preston,andZimmermanTaxAndBusinessLLC-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaggggh* was sponsored by Doohey, Preston, and Zimmerman Tax and Business, LLC. Doohey, Preston, and Zimmerman Tax and Business, LLC: Audit your game!

And finally, huge thanks to my parents for buying me this racquet. It’s really awesome.

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A Music Review

5 Sep

Music review from Trying to be Different magazine:

Corporate Casual Racism by Tumbleweed Jebediah ft. jim.

In the 1890’s, ragtime hit its apex of popularity, moving from shadowy Red Light districts into mainstream success, echoing from wax cylinders and player pianos everywhere. On the eve of the Great War, however, the syncopated rhythms ceased to pulse on, and the genre devolved into obscurity, then nonexistence, with only a select few nursing homes offering live shows. Luckily, this trend was re-reouted in the late 1990’s in the haberdashery-by-day/pansexual-bazaar-by-nights of rural Utah, where curious youth found ragtime’s allure once again.

Revivalist ragtime’s messiah, nonagenarian Tumbleweed Jebediah, has emerged from the studio with his new cassette, Corporate Casual Racism. The album is chock full of Jebediah’s signature ragged timing, spotty musicianship, and inattention to detail, a rawness that has come to define his recent creations. The dancy, festive sound makes it clear: Tumbleweed Jebediah’s passion is running just as strong as his pacemaker.

The real eye-catcher on this record (besides the Sunday school unfriendly cover art) is the guest appearance by jim., punk’s genderless deity of mayhem. Though the collaboration may seem bizarre, the music proves this is a match made in heaven, as jim.’s animal, piercing vocals ride atop Jebediah’s arthritis-hankered ivory tickling. jim.’s creative spirit spices up the traditional ragtime flavors, offering chaotic synths and crunchy, sharp textures.

It is said this album represents ragtime’s role in the modern cultural conscience, and the theme is hammered home on tracks like “Ragtime’s Gone – Thanks, Obama”, which features a third-grader on the recorder, and “I Took a Dump on a Piano”, which includes a ten minute recording of Tumbleweed Jebediah’s bathroom break during the session.

Corporate Casual Racism will be on store shelves September 16th, and off them within the week.

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Real College Packing List

24 Aug

There are many packing lists out there to help you make sure you don’t forget anything when you go to college. Unfortunately, they often miss a few essential items:

  • That university-branded shot glass your cool uncle bought you
  • Air freshener to be used in lieu of doing your laundry
  • Supermarket supply of Doritos, Easy Mac, and Sprite
  • Two-ply toilet paper (because the crummy dorm room brand can’t support that diet)
  • DS game you beat last year during Spanish 301
  • The pile of shirts for other colleges your grandma bought you hoping you’d end up somewhere else
  • Sweatshirt commemorating the graduating class you would have been in had you not taken seven years

 

 

 

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What’s In A Name?

16 Aug

“Last year a New York judge refused to allow a couple to change their family name to ChristIsKing. The judge argued that allowing certain names could infringe on the religious liberties of others, and he offered the example of a court employee forced to call out a name with a religious message.”  – The New York Times

From the desk of the New York Baby Names Authority…

Requested Name: SuperSmartPete
Reason for Rejection: Could cause controversy in the classroom

Requested Name:  FireInACrowdedTheatre
Reason for Rejection: Inflammatory

Requested Name: BakedZitiIsTheBomb
Reason for Rejection: Offensive to the lactose intolerant

Requested Name: King
Reason for Rejection: Dog name

Requested Name: hjhjeoooooooopdjfajabFro
Reason for Rejection: Parent appears to have fallen asleep on the keyboard

Requested Name: Sh*t
Reason for Rejection: No grammatical markings

Requested Name: Waylon
Reason for Rejection: A bit outdated

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Out to Lunch

14 Jul

“(Name Redacted), 9, had lunch at the White House with First Lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday as the Connecticut winner of the First Lady’s 2013 Healthy Lunchtime Challenge.

(Redacted) won with his recipe for quinoa risotto with shrimp and kale.”

–  New Canaan News

Quinoa Risotto with Shrimp and Kale
A Recipe by (Name Redacted), age 9.

1. Decide to win Healthy Lunchtime Challenge with a dish nobody has time to make for lunch.
2. Look for ingredients in pantry. Discover there is nothing in pantry labeled “risotto”.
3. Call Mom for help.
4. Watch cartoons for three hours. Risotto is ready.
5. Let cool before going to White House.

P.S. In other news, I am off to camp for a few weeks. Posts will be very few and far between in that period. Enjoy your summer.

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New Technique Saves Thousands on College Tuition

29 Jun

With the rising cost of college tuition, it is becoming harder and harder for families to send their kids away for a higher-level education. For that reason, more and more parents are turning towards a homeschool college education. Here is a selection of programming required by the Georgia Organization of Teaching Or Schooling Correctly at Home with On-topic, Open Learning (G.O.T.O.S.C.H.O.O.L.).

Late-Night Intellectual Conversations

Such discussions with peers are absolutely essential components of the college experience. To simulate this experience at home, stay up late with your child between one and three times a month. Fill the room with odorous smoke, and then ask big questions through the haze. What is our country doing overseas? Do we even get to decide what we do in life? What if our whole universe is just one atom in one cell in the big toe of some giant human in another world? Mind. Blown. (And you didn’t even have to poison your child’s religious upbringing by sending him/her to an accredited school.)

Social Interaction

Some say the most important thing one learns at college is how to interact with others. To meet this requirement, purchase a keg of a non-alcoholic beverage once a month. Stand around it and talk about the college experience, taking care to put yourself in their shoes. A sample conversation might go as follows:

PARENT: Woah, college rules, right?
CHILD: I have never had a real friend.
PARENT: Check it out, someone brought a beach ball! College rules!
CHILD: Every night I pray for the courage to run away.

Note: The board initially required an alcoholic beverage to be imbibed, until Georgian homeschoolers protested against requiring families to purchase and use “Satan Juice”.

Health and Nutrition

Sleep-away college offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for kids to teach themselves about their body and their needs. To accurately recreate such self-discovery, lock your child in a room with nothing but a crate of PopTarts for one week. This activity can also be counted toward the biology requirement, as it teaches students the importance and value of fiber.

Note: Families can determine sexual health lessons on their own. We’re not going to touch that one.

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The Sugardaddie Manifesto

7 May

SugarDaddie.com has made an offer to rename the town [of New Canaan, CT] to SugarDaddie.com, USA. The online dating website made an offer of $9.85 million to First Selectman Robert Mallozzi III and other city officials in writing March 29, a statement from SugarDaddie.com said. – The New Canaan Daily Voice

Since ancient times, the single and wealthy have lived in hiding, seeking the company (and bank information) of each other in obscurity. From the horrors of this secrecy and persecution came solidarity, and with great courage and greediness, the gold-diggers of the world rose up from the dark depths of the financially-motivated dating scene.

Now, in the modern era, the affluent, single, and ready to mingle have a new vehicle for social advancement in Sugardaddie.com. a powerful corporation whose passion for Sugardaddie rights is exceeded only by their thirst for credit card numbers. They are willing to make dramatic claims regarding their financial situation. In short, they represent the Sugardaddie lifestyle to an unparalleled degree.

Their guerilla tactics in the war for Sugardaddie rights are brilliant not only in their effectiveness, but in their subtlety. Their offer to rebrand a town for a seven-digit sum takes advertising to a new standard of taste. Who but Sugardaddie.com could blend symbolism, class, and clever wordplay like they have in their demand for the erection of a Hugh Hefner statue in front of town hall? Nobody. It is their unrelenting knack for great leaps forward in Sugardaddie rights that make our future so promising.

For now, the Sugardaddie community has only one direction to look: forward. Take your wallets and money clips and stand together! Sugarbabes, call to your Sugardaddies and say: unite! Gone are the days of trying to impress your ex-spouse with your new partner’s boat in secrecy! Soon, we can build a world in the image of Sugardaddie.com and raise our children in a place where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet.

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