Several Celebrities Angered Over Exclusion from Nude Photo Leak

3 Sep

Amidst the uproar surrounding the release of nude photos of A-list stars, a number of celebrities have come out with statements regarding their exclusion from the controversy. Though public opinion has largely been against the illegal hacking of phones and the sharing of compromising personal images without permission, a few brave celebrities have dared to ask why they were left out of the fun.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

Steve Buscemi, an actor that you know as “that guy with the eyes”, called a press conference last week to give his opinion on the matter. “Did anyone ever stop to think that my naked photographs might be just as appealing as Kate Upton’s?,” he said. “I am very disappointed at the media’s refusal to embrace the inherent beauty of the male body. My male body.”

Other men have joined Buscemi’s fight for equality. Raspy-voiced actor Gilbert Gottfried dared the world to download and peruse his nude photographs in a recent interview with Martha Stewart magazine. “How do you know you’re not interested in my pictures? You haven’t even seen them yet!”, he said.

Buscemi suspects that his exclusion from the photo release was deliberate. “My nudie shots are just sitting there on my phone,” he said. “They’re on iCloud! How do you even miss them?”

Buscemi’s tone darkened when asked if he had anything to say directly to the hacker who refused to publish his nude photographs. “You are a cruel and hurtful person. Please do the right thing,” he said, looking directly into a news camera. “Go into my iCloud, find the hi-res photos of my physique, and share them with the world.”

Gottfried echoed Buscemi’s statement regarding the photographs. “Please publish them,” he begged.

At press time, Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, and Roseanne Barr could not be reached for comment.

 

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The Top 10 Decades of the 20th Century

31 Aug

You’ll never believe which ones made the list!  We’ve ranked the 10 best decades from 1900 to 2000, in no particular order.

 

1. The 1930’s

Wow, the 1930’s. How can we summarize this glorious decade in just a short blurb? Honestly, we can’t. So let’s just move on.

 

2. The 1970’s

Disco, Nixon, and Star Wars. The 1970’s were certainly a decade. Definitely one of the 10 best of the previous century.

 

3. The 1950’s

From 1950 to 1959, lots of stuff happened. We’re not going to to go into detail, because you probably already know all about this fantastic decade.

 

4. The 1900’s

This decade was so early, it feels like it wasn’t even in the 20th century. But, it was. So the 1900’s easily crack the list.

 

5. The 1990’s

Such a phat 10 years.

 

6. The 1940’s

Yeah, it’s kind of a ballsy choice. But, in our point of view, the 1940’s are actually one of the 10 most underrated decades of the 20th century.

 

7. The 1960’s

We put a man on the moon. So we put the 1960’s on the list.

 

8. The 1980’s

Blah blah blah blah blah. We don’t believe you read this far, honestly.

 

9. The 1920’s

This decade doesn’t deserve to be here. It doesn’t. It got in on a technicality. Screw this decade.

 

10. We can’t think of another decade.

If we can’t remember it, it couldn’t have been that great. Sorry, whichever decade this is.

 

Leave your favorite decade from this century in the comments! Or don’t. We can’t force you.

 

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French Prince of Bel-Air

5 Aug

In West Paris, born and raised.
In the coffee shop is where I spent most of my days
Writing sad poetry every single day
And smoking tiny cigarettes outside my lycée
When a couple of guys wearing tiny berets
Started making trouble near my chalet
I got in one little fight and my mom said no.
She said ‘You’re moving with your auntie and  your uncle in Bordeaux’.

I grew a tiny mustache that was pencil thin
and packed smelly cheeses inside of a tin.
I’m sure that I stunk like Pepé le Pew.
But who cares how I smell – what’s it to you?

I pulled up to the maison about 7 or 8.
It doesn’t matter when, because I’m generally late.
I said to myself, “C’est la vie, au contraire.”
Time to sit on my throne as the French Prince of Bel Air.

 

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Three Blind Rats

16 Jul

SCENE: (A bunch of lab rats are seated in a meeting room. An important-looking rat (just go with it) is directing the group and reading off a clipboard. His nametag reads: Mr. Whiskers – Manager)

MR. WHISKERS: Alright, we just got some new jobs that we need to assign. Let’s see, we got a diabetes medication. Anyone feel like testing a diabetes medication?
OTHER RAT (from crowd): Sure, I’ll do it.
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for showing the initiative. That’ll make a great resume builder. This next one is a toughie. Who’s ready to contract ebola for the next 6 weeks?
(A young rat eagerly raises her  paw from the back row.)
MR. WHISKERS: Candance, we both know you’re not ready for this. This ebola project requires a rat with some experience.
(A salty, old rat raises a leg.)
MR. WHISKERS: Bruce, perfect. Hey, if you’re still alive after this one let me know how it goes. Alright, I’ve got  another really good opportunity here if you’re interested. Anybody want to get injected with a scorching case of herpes?
(Nobody volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS: Come on, guys. Jerry, didn’t you do the pubic lice study last year? You’re perfect for this.
(Jerry reluctantly and wordlessly consents.)
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks, Jerry. I’ve always seen you as a herpes kind of rat. Let’s see, next we got a new lipstick that needs to be rubbed in somebody’s eyes. Who’s going to step up?
(No rats volunteer.)
MR. WHISKERS: Somebody’s gotta do it, guys. Anybody want to get some brownie points?
(Room remains silent. Mr. Whiskers sighs, exasperated.)
MR. WHISKERS: I’ve been holding my tongue on this one for a while, but the lack of work ethic around here is really starting to chap my ass. Too bad ChapStick already tested their product so I can’t even get some of it for my own heinie.  Let me tell you, if you don’t want this cosmetic job, there are plenty of rabbits, guinea pigs, and monkeys that’ll happily take it instead.
(Room does not appear persuaded.)
MR. WHISKERS (tone more somber): Look, I know all of you wish you could be hanging out as some plucky seven-year-old’s pet, eating yourself to death and passing time until the little sucker comes to pick up your feces. But we can’t all have that. My brother, he really wanted that life. And you know where he is now? Snake food! So suck it up. I’d take this lipstick job if I could, but I’m currently assigned to an uppity little urologist whose “research” consists of neutering me into oblivion. (deep breath) I need one of you guys to pick up the slack on this one. Please.
(One of the rats volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS (more relaxed): Thank you very much. Lastly, we have your classic maze set-up. Do it right, you get a piece of cheese. Do it wrong, they’re gonna shock the bejeezus out of you. Anybody like to gamble?

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The Lighter Side of the Moon Guide to College Essays

25 Jun

As school ends and summer begins, the cold shackles of academia are finally loosened as students are released into eight weeks of pure fun in the sun. Except for juniors. For the most industrious eleventh graders, summer means the time to start working on college essays in advance of application deadlines in the fall. As a service to you, the readers, I am happy to offer my advice on this process for the low, low price of absolutely free. Tips are always encouraged.

Picking a Topic

A great topic is the foundation for a great essay. Make sure to pick an experience that was of immense importance to you and is unique to your life. Did you suffer through a debilitating illness? Milk it. Have you endured a significant emotional trauma? That’s a goldmine. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have no such tragic experiences, I personally recommend writing about your own birth. You’d be hard pressed to find something that affected your life more than being born.

Openers

Everybody knows you have to kick off an essay with an exciting and inviting hook. You need to start your essay with something unique that gets your point across: Admit me. Consider using statistics like how many days you have been alive or the percentage of your soul you sold during this process. Some people have found success with the Merriam-Webster opener, in which you give the dictionary definition of important words like “admitted” or “college”. However, I would caution against using a quote from an important author or celebrity as it sends the message that you don’t have enough original ides of your own. Putting your own name on the quote is a really quick fix.

Writing the Essay 

Writing the college essay is actually quite simple once you sit down to do it. First, figure out what language you’re going to write in. If you write in something other than English, odds are nobody will be able to read it. But if your essay sucks, this may not be the worst thing. Next, write down some nouns. Almost every college essay has nouns in it and those in the know will tell you that an essay without nouns is very rarely successful. But, you won’t get by on just nouns alone. If you really want a standout piece of writing, toss in some adjectives. But don’t go overboard with the words. Many students often try to include verbs in their essays, but that’s a very risky move as verbs are one of the most challenging types of words. Sprinkle some punctuation throughout all of these other words, and you’ve got a great essay.

Fonts

The font you choose is probably more important than whatever you write. Think about the best books ever written and their typefaces. Huckleberry Finn?  That’s Times New Roman. To Kill a Mockingbird? Times New Roman. The Bible?  Times New Roman probably. If that’s not a great tip, I don’t know what is.

Phrases to Avoid

There are some words and phrases that, no matter what, you shouldn’t use in your essay. Here’s some examples:

  • I’m not racist, but…
  • I don’t really believe in college.
  • I’m not a huge fan of diversity on campus
  • My haters are my motivators.
  • 😉
  • I hope your college has a white rights club.
  • Ask not what your college can teach me, but what I can teach you.
  • My best feature is my body.

Example

I’ve suffered a lot in my life. My dog has canine diabetes. My dad is not very smart. I have mild night terrors. The moral of the story is this: Admit me. I remember my own birth very vividly. In many ways, birth is a lot like learning. It’s a long, dark road that leads to a bright end. Your mom is hopefully there to support you the whole way. There are well-educated people whose job it is to help you through the process. In fact, just by being born, I’ve already learned everything there is to know.

Here are some nouns that describe me: Excellence. Science. Skills.

Here are some adjectives: Superb. Academic. Skilled.

Here’s a verb and some punctuation: Succeed..,*//

If I could, I would make this essay in Times New Roman. I’m not racist, but it’s a great font.

 

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Brave New World Cup

12 Jun

As the World Cup kicked off today in Brazil, EA announced their new corresponding videogame, FIFA World Cup 2014. Gamers everywhere have been eagerly awaiting the release, in large part due to a bevy of new features. Some of the most anticipated include:

Realistic Sound Effects: What’s that roar? Is that the fans cheering you on? No, it’s a massive throng of protestors right outside the stadium! With advanced digital technology, this game produces the most accurate rubber bullet-on-flesh sound ever.

Possum Mode: This highly requested feature lets the user flop all over the pitch, just like their favorite football star! Just a few button taps and you’ll be on the ground, rolling and writhing like there’s no tomorrow. You can play dead on a slide tackle, a rough hit, or even just because someone looked at you funny.

New Weather Settings: In FIFA World Cup 2014, you can choose between sunny, cloudy, rainy, or a light hail that’s actually shoddy concrete falling on your head.

Advanced Coaching: Coaching your team just got even more realistic. You can do more than just sub players or design plays. If your team’s down for the count, just call over a referee and organize a bribe. Wait, can we write that on here? Eh, everyone already knows it’s happening.

Improved Fan Noise: We’ve done away with the muffled rumble of previous games. Now, you can hear 80,000 people screaming racist chants crystal clear! Every epithet will come through with such unparalleled definition, you’ll feel like a banana hit you in the head.

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Seven Instagram Hashtags that Haven’t Taken Off Yet

9 Jun

#SatanSunday

#MasochismMonday

#Type2Tuesday

#WetTheBedWednesday

#TesticularTorsionThursday

#FecesFriday

#SalmonellaSaturday

 

 

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Ad Hocked

31 May

Hey, it’s Crazy Pete of Crazy Pete’s House of Unpainted Furniture here and I want to tell you about a crazy sale I’m putting on! Wow! Unpainted maple bedframes for only $200! Wow! I guess that’s why they call me Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hi again, it’s Crazy Pete back to tell you about another great sale! Unpainted and unfinished dining room sets for only $500! Wow! This is why they call me Crazy Pete! So crazy! Wow!

What’s up, it’s Crazy Pete! Call a doctor, because I’ve really gone crazy with this latest sale! Only $199 for four unfinished chairs! Wow! Nobody does crazier sales than Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hey, hey, hey, it’s Crazy Pete. You might want to restrict my access to firearms because I’m really going crazy! Only $299 for an unsanded wooden toilet seat? Wow! Crazy Pete!

Howdy, it’s Crazy Pete and all of my loved ones are trying to keep me off the bottle – because I’m going totally crazy! $400 for a table? Wow, that’s crazy!

Ahoy, it’s Captain Crazy Pete here with another swashbuckling sale! Pirate themed playsets for the kids at only $99? Arggh! That’s a sale so crazy, I’m having dissociative episodes! I really think I’m a pirate! Arggh!

Hello, it’s Crazy Pete, and I’m running a sale so crazy, my wife and daughter are afraid of me! But you won’t have to be afraid of the prices on my complete line of lawn furniture! Wow!

Hiya! It’s Crazy Pete of Lakeview Psychiatric Facility’s Rehabilitative House of Macaroni Art! I’m running a sale so sane, you might just feel comfortable reviewing my parole application! Please?

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Realistic Viagara Ad

19 May

(Middle-aged man with long flowing hair drives a convertible down a country road. His wife is in the passenger seat.)

NARRATOR: You’re at the age where you know what you’re doing.

(Same man fires up a chainsaw.)

NARRATOR: You’ve earned the right to walk around with confidence.

(Man walks down a boardwalk with aforementioned wife.)

NARRATOR: You have the experience to know that being yourself is the only way to live.

(Man is seen performing as a mime on the street.)

NARRATOR: But your body doesn’t work as well as it once did.

(Man pauses during a jog visibly winded.)

NARRATOR: Your belly is starting to make strange noises and you’re too lazy to care.

(Man shrugs whimsically.)

NARRATOR: Your day is now punctuated by hourly naps.

(Man falls asleep at the wheel of the convertible.)

NARRATOR: You’re a man. And men get to make inappropriate comments to waitresses.

(Man nervously enters a Hooters.)

NARRATOR: You’re approaching the age where your racist comments are amusing, not offensive.

(Man crosses the street while approaching a minority.)

NARRATOR: You plan to die sitting in front of your television.

(Man reclines in a La-Z-Boy chair.)

NARRATOR: But just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean your lifestyle has to change.

(Man lays in a hammock wearing nothing but his underwear.)

NARRATOR: Viagara is trusted by men everywhere to maintain the mediocre lives they lived before their mid-life crisis. Ask your doctor if Viagara is right for you. If not, go buy a sportscar.

 

 

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Running of the Bullies

11 May

Anyone using Yik Yak can turn a school into a virtual chat room where everyone can post his or her comments, anonymously.  Untruthful, mean, character-assassinating short messages are immediately seen by all users in a specific geographic area. – Fox News

SCENE: A school staff meeting. The principal is addressing a group of teachers. The mood is apprehensive, solemn.

PRINCIPAL: As I’m sure many of you have noticed, the students are currently obsessed with an app. It’s called Yik Yak, and it’s being used to bully other children. There are some really cruel jokes on there and some of them even mention faculty members by name.
(The teachers remain silent, somewhat disinterested.)
PRINCIPAL: I know this might be hard to hear for many of you, that your own students are mocking you online, but I think it’s important that we address this issue. Allow me to read some recent posts. (takes out phone and begins to read aloud) The first one says “Mr. Haufstetder reeks of vodka and sadness.” I’m just going to let that one sink in.
(Teachers are again unresponsive.)
PRINCIPAL: People, I know that we as a faculty have come to terms with Mr. Haufstetder drinking at school, but the students really can’t know about this. It damages our credibility. Let me read another one. “Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis is worse than her teaching.” (weighty pause) Linda, I’m really sorry you had to hear that.
(Some teachers giggle quietly.)
PRINCIPAL: You have to be concerned about this! There are new posts coming in as we speak. Here, listen. “This meeting is a bigger joke than our pensions.” (long pause) Wait, what meeting are they talking about? Are you posting on Yik Yak?
(Teachers burst out laughing.)
PRINCIPAL (reading off phone): “The female teachers at this school are so fugly, I’m considering having an affair with a lunch lady.” This is abhorrent. Show some respect!
(Feverish typing fills the room.)
PRINCIPAL: “Mark Price is a walking ad for abortion.” You can’t say that about a student! They read these.
(More typing, laughter.)
PRINCIPAL: “Is nobody going to point out that Principal Hagerty started wearing a toupee?” It’s not like everyone hadn’t already noticed that, but was that really necessary? My wife made me start wearing it.
(Guffawing, chortling.)
PRINCIPAL: “Hailey Hunt coming to this school is the worst thing to happen since the Common Core.” That’s a child you’re talking about. All of you, stop this immediately. It’s not like everyone didn’t already know Mr. Haufstetder was a drinker. Everybody at this school has noticed Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis. Again, sorry Linda.  You’re all small people, taking shots at easy targets. How about you write something we didn’t all know already?
(Quiet typing from the back of the room.)
PRINCIPAL (defeated): “Principal Hagerty’s fly has been unzipped this entire meeting.” That’s something we didn’t already know. Meeting adjourned.

 

 

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