Mitt Romney on a Sunday Afternoon

22 May

Last week, Mitt Romney held an exclusive brunch at one of the homes in our town. Obviously, the best way for Mitt to avoid my ridicule is to show up at an intimate social setting in the largest mansion in town. So, without further ado, some choice sound bites from the campaign brunch on Sunday.

“America is a land of hard workers. The people are ready to go find a job, but Barack Obama is preventing them. We need someone in-touch with the everyman, someone who gets people like this waiter! While I have your attention, Pablo, I think we ran out of smoked salmon. Oh, and ease up on the caviar. Prices are soaring since belugas went on the endangered species list.”

“I’m sick of the way airlines get special tax exemptions. I try to boycott their businesses because of the way they abuse the consumer. That’s why I always fly charter.”

“Oh, you’re from Mexico? My father was born there. Don’t you just love Acapulco in May? Hello? Hablas inglés? Where is your green card?”

“The American textiles industry has a lot of growth potential. In fact, it could be one of the biggest job producers. My sweater? Oh, this is hand-made Peruvian cashmere. Please don’t touch it.”

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The Garage Sale Snafu

12 May

Garage sales are great. It’s amazing how one person’s trash becomes another man’s trash in six months. However, it’s important to make sure that underneath the great prices and permanent mustiness, you actually understand what product you’re getting.

KATE: Wow…these self-help tapes were so cheap at that garage sale. I think I’ll finish this one…

TAPE: Who’s powerful?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s confident?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s ready to take on the world?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: This is the first tape in my new audio diary. Obviously, I decided to use some old self-help cassettes instead of buying new, blank sets. If you’re hearing this, please turn it off immediately/

KATE: Wait, what?

TAPE: October 7, 1985 – Today, I didn’t leave the house. I still haven’t exactly come to terms with the death of my goldfish, so I sit laid on the couch in my underwear and cried.

KATE: Maybe I should turn this off…

TAPE: Thankfully, nobody will ever get to know that I, Ken Jacobs, mourned the death of my goldfish for three weeks. My therapist says an excess of attachment has caused my difficulties in letting go, and has recommended I move out of my mother’s house. I’m almost packed, but I don’t think I can bring my whole seashell collection.

KATE: This is so … horrifying.

TAPE: Well, I think today’s entry is over. I need to file my toenails. The fungus came back.

KATE: Please tell me I bought the next tape…

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Mind Your P’s and Q’s

6 May

Parents who want the best for their children go to great lengths to teach their children proper manners. However, I’m forced to wonder if kids actually get the message beyond the importance of not picking your nose when others are looking.

WILL: MOM! MOM! Make me a sandwich! MOM!

MOM: Will, what do we say?

WILL: Mom, you fat slob! Hurry up with my sandwich!

MOM: What do we say when we want a favor?

WILL: Hurry up you fat slob, please?

MOM: Good boy. And what do we say after someone gives you something?

WILL: Maybe you could have done it faster if you took your fat rolls out of your ears, but thank you.

MOM: That’s right, we say thank you. And how was school today?

WILL: Pretty good. We made sand art, but you’re probably not familiar with that. You don’t have very much time outside of the kitchen.

MOM: WILL! You’re being very rude!

WILL: Thank you?

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The Ocean Room on the Royal Ferdinand

30 Apr

(On a high-end cruise in the Mediterranean, three aged women, Agnes, Dorothea, and Minnie, are enjoying lunch.)

MINNIE: (to waiter): I’ll have the tuna club.

WAITER: Ok.

MINNIE: But can we lose the onions and mayonnaise, and get tomato and lettuce? Also, I’m going to need turkey instead of tuna on the sandwich.

THEODORA: Don’t forget the bread!

MINNIE: Ah yes. I want that on rosemary focaccia instead of rye.

WAITER: So, a turkey club on focaccia?

MINNIE: Are you acting fresh? Can I please speak to a manager?

WAITER: I’m sorry. And you two ladies?

AGNES: We’ll share a side salad.

WAITER: Any dressing? We have ranch, bleu, vinaigrette, Caesar, creamy asiago, butternut squash, spicy jalapeño…

AGNES: What was the first one?

WAITER: Ranch.

AGNES: We’ll share that on the side.

WAITER: You can’t share dressing.

MINNIE: May I please speak to the maitre d’?

 

(The threesome spies their waiter tending to another party in the restaurant.)

 

AGNES: Do you have any idea when our food will come out?

WAITER: Any second now. I just saw it in the kitchen.

THEODORA: Well, that group over there arrived seven minutes later than we did. And they’re being served now.

WAITER: Your food will be here shortly. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

MINNIE: I’m frankly appalled with the treatment we’ve received today. We paid good money for a luxury cruise experience!

WAITER: I’m very sorry. Is there anything I can do until the food comes?

MINNIE: I’d like to see the owner, please.

WAITER: Well, the captain is steering the ship. He can’t come to the dining rooms.

MINNIE: I said, get me the captain!

 

(A manager arrives at the table, with the waiter nipping at his heels, head held shamefully low.)

 

MANAGER: I hear there have been some miscommunications. Would you care to air your grievances?

MINNIE: We have been waiting literally hours to receive our food. That table came after us, and they’ve already eaten.

MANAGER: Well, that group only ordered soup, and they are the owners of the cruise line.

AGNES: Why should they get special treatment? We’re paying good money for this meal.

MANAGER: I understand. Dessert is on me.

MINNIE: YOU CAN”T BRIBE US WITH YOUR LADY FINGERS! They’re so dry!

MANAGER: Please don’t raise your voice. Look, here comes the food. Is there anything else I can do?

THEODORA: Forget the food. We’ve lost our appetite.

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Allergies

26 Apr

CHARLIE: Good morning! Oh wow, your eyes are so red.

WALTER (calmly): Allergies.

CHARLIE (curious): You sure? They look so puffy. I think they’re oozing.

WALTER: Nope. Just allergies.

CHARLIE (concerned): Do you realize your nose is bleeding profusely?

WALTER: You know, pollen.

CHARLIE: Your hair is falling out! Go to a doctor!

WALTER: I guess the Claritin didn’t work. What’re you gonna do?

CHARLIE: Please, go to a hospital! You’re so jaundiced.

WALTER: It’s just allergies, man! Calm down.

CHARLIE: Oh my God! You’re coughing up blood! I’ll get the nurse!

WALTER: No need. I heard the pollen count is really high this week. (He collapses.)

CHARLIE: You legitimately have ebola. Don’t touch me!

WALTER: Allergies!

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Bieber’s Big Adventure

22 Apr

Rumors are flying that Justin Bieber will be attending the esteemed Cornell University next fall as a student (he had better chances at admission being a foreign applicant). Though this story is proven to be blatantly false, I have certain obligations as a blogger to perpetuate lies generated on the Internet. Here is a leaked transcript from Justin’s admissions interview:

 

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to come here to Cornell?

BIEBER: Well, I’m excited to begin this next project, and I really hope the fans like this. Everything I do is for the fans. They’re my backbone. They motivate me.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me? You are applying to a university. Your fans do not matter.

BIEBER: Whoa. I’m not here to make anyone angry. I just want to make some music and have fun. I think Cornell’s going to be a great next step in my life path. I’ve done great things in the music world, but there’s still things I want to do.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your prospective major?

BIEBER: I’m going to major in swag, you know? No, I’m really not sure. Definitely not music, or anything like that. I’ll probably survey my fan base on what they want me to do. Current options are veterinary science and aeronautics. Imagine me flying an airplane. That’d be tight!

INTERVIEWER: Quite honestly, I wouldn’t want you flying a plane. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

BIEBER: I’m in it to win it. I’ll really fight for the admissions slot. Cornell’s the place for me. My whole life, I’ve learned that if you have a dream, you’ve got to go catch it. Look out Cornell, here comes Justin Bieber.

INTERVIEWER: That was really believable. Do you have any questions about Cornell before we conclude?

BIEBER: On a scale of one to ten, rank the girls here. Any nice biddies on the campus?

INTERVIEWER: Please leave my office.

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Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

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Sidharth Sings for the Elderly

11 Apr

(Three elderly men, liver spots and all, are seated around a circular table. General nursing home hubbub goes on around them.)

MILFORD: So who do you think’s going to win the Wisconsin primary? I don’t care just as long as he repeals everything that Muslim communist has done in the last four years.

SHLOMO: Back in the old country, I would trudge nine miles to a voting booth, only to have the muzzle of a gun shoved in my back. There was no freedom in that horri-

WALT: Where’s Wisconsin? Hahahaha.

MILFORD: Oh look, another visitor. Eighty two years old and I can’t even finish a crossword puzzle.

(An elementary student enters the door and stands next to the table.)

SIDHARTH: Hello, I’m Sidharth. I’m in the third grade and I’m here to sing songs for you!

WALT: My cashier at PriceChopper is named Nikhil. Do you know him?

MILFORD: Of course, Obama sends more handouts. He probably thinks we’re too old and infirm to afford our own singers, but I’ll show the liberal I’m fiscally independent!

SHLOMO: In the old country, there were no singing handouts. If we wanted music, we sold potatoes at the market to buy the sheet music. That’s the kind of message we need to send to good little boys like Snidgarth.

SIDHARTH: Sidharth.

SHLOMO: What?

SIDHARTH: You said Snidgarth. I am Sidharth.

SHLOMO: Spidlarth, begin your singing!

SIDHARTH (singing): My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty…

WALT (yelping): I can’t get no satisfaction… I love Mick Jagger!

MILFORD: Walt! Stop yelling. This little ethnic child is going to pay for our Medicare someday.

SIDHARTH(walking away): I can’t take this anymore! Milford – you’re really bigoted. Walt – you can’t hold a conversation, and Shlomo – you’re from Passaic!

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The Oakville Middle School Journal: Arts Review

8 Apr

The drama department will be performing their new play, Romeo and Juliet, this weekend for the entire town. This will be their first play of the school year.

Being a self-appointed connoisseur of middle school theater, I was very eager to see the advance press screening of this show. I even got to leave homeroom fifteen minutes early to go see it. Unfortunately, there was a four-alarm fire on the other side of town, meaning all newspapers, besides the Journal, were unable to attend the press screening.

The scenery, hand-painted by Ms. Rosnan and her after-school art club, looked really nice, but they weren’t quite dry and added an unusual runny quality to the play. The orchestra will be playing the score live this weekend, but their services were unavailable at the early showing, so the music was played on cassette.

Brad Wellesly and Sarah Green had the lead roles, and demonstrated themselves as master thespians. Their love story blossomed wonderfully during the twelve minute preview, and their emotion was remarkably realistic. I wish to congratulate whoever did the make-up for concealing Brad’s acne. It was almost unnoticeable. The costumes were spectacular to say the least, and the cast looked authentic to the period.

Due to an ever-tightening budget for the visual arts department at Oakville, parents of students volunteered to help out planning and producing Romeo and Juliet, as usual.  I got an exclusive chat with Mr. Spirelli, seventh grader Jake’s dad, who directed the play.

“We wanted to capture the majesty of the time period that is conveyed in the original production. Having spent three weeks as a dancer in an off-Broadway version of Fiddler, I tried my hardest to bring my experience and intimate knowledge of the theater to this play,” he said to me back stage.

For all those interested in seeing this production, it will be showing on Friday and Saturday at 7 p.m. both days. Refreshments will be available for purchase, and I personally recommend the Twizzlers or Mrs. Green’s cupcakes.

– Melvin Roberts

Arts Review

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Please Don’t Call Here Again

7 Apr

TELEMARKETER: Hello, can I please speak to Candace?

CANDACE: This is Candace. How can I help you?

TELEMARKETER: Sorry to bother you at nine a.m. on Christmas, but do you enjoy eating carrots?

CANDACE: Yes. I’m on the do-not-call list, can you please leave me alone?

TELEMARKETER: Does your urine ever appear greenish or carry an acidic odor?

CANDACE: Excuse me? How is that even relevant?

TELEMARKETER: Good, you’re not allergic to carrots. I’m here to tell you all about a fantastic new service called Sandra’s Carrot Delivery.

CANDACE: Please don’t call here ever again.

TELEMARKETER: Wait, wait, wait! Here at Sandra’s, we’ve got baby carrots, full-size carrots, cooked carrots, mashed carrots, roasted carrots, stewed carrots. We can dice them, chop them, pound them; really, if it involves carrots, we’ll deliver it to you.

CANDACE: Why would anyone want that? That’s such a bad business model.

TELEMARKETER: Great! So you’re interested. For just $79.99 a month plus shipping and handling, we’ll deliver unlimited carrots to your door.

CANDACE: That’s so much money! Does anyone actually buy deliverable carrots from this stupid sales pitch?

TELEMARKETER: Miss, there’s no need to insult my profession. I work hard to hear people yell at me all day. Do you know what that’s like to have a job where people scream at you all the time?

CANDACE: I’m sorry. That was rude of me.

TELEMARKETER: But you know what will have you screaming: For an additional $34.99, we’ll add free turnips into this remarkable package.

CANDACE: Good bye.

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