Tag Archives: jokes

All in the Family

24 Mar

(TV commercial for Ancestry.com. Different kinds of people stand and talk about their discoveries: a chipper lady named Christina, a man named Michael, and a guy named Pete. Their names are printed on the screen while they speak.)

CHRISTINA: I went on Ancestry.com to learn more about more about my heritage.
MICHAEL: I wanted to discover stories about my ancestors.
PETE: Who wouldn’t want to know more about their history?

CHRISTINA: So, I did a little digging, and what I find out was amazing.
MICHAEL: You’ll never guess what I found out on Ancestry.com
PETE: What I found … surprised me.

CHRISTINA: Turns out, my great-great-grandmother was a Suffragette!
MICHAEL: My grandfather played stickball with Jackie Robinson!
PETE: I’m pretty sure my grandmother was a hooker.

CHRISTINA: She marched with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. How great is that?
MICHAEL: Jackie Robinson took my grandpa into the Dodgers clubhouse and introduced him to the whole team!
PETE: Her husband sold recalled toys and illegal fireworks to children. He was blamed for four maimings.

CHRISTINA: It’s just such an inspiration. I’m going to dedicate myself to fighting for women’s rights.
MICHAEL: I’m a huge baseball fan. I can’t wait to tell this story to all my buddies at the game.
PETE: I’m pretty sure they were Nazi sympathizers. Like, really sympathetic.

CHRISTINA: I never would have learned this if I hadn’t signed up. Thank you, Ancestry.com.
MICHAEL: I’m so happy to have learned this story. Thanks Ancestry.com.
PETE: Um, thanks Ancestry.com?

 

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Right On

2 Mar

(A girl is driving a car with her friend in the passenger seat. The passenger is giving directions. They approach an intersection.)

DRIVER: Left up here?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Oh, right.
PASSENGER: Left…
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right, right.
PASSENGER: Left!
DRIVER: Left, right?
PASSENGER: Right, left.
DRIVER: Right.
PASSENGER: Left! LEFT LEFT LEFT!
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Alright?
DRIVER: All left.

 

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Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

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Which Supreme Court Justice Are You?

28 Jan

Are you the life of the party like Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Or are you the guy your friends trust all their secrets with like Clarence Thomas? Maybe you’re the class clown just like Stephen G. Breyer! Take this fun quiz and find out which member of the bench you are!

1. People would describe your courtroom conduct as:
a. stern but fair.
b. firm but sincere.
c. rigid but just.

2. The justice to your left says a funny joke! You:
a. giggle once, inaudibly.
b. slightly raise the corners of your mouth.
c. exhale.

3. It’s Casual Friday at the office! You wear:
a. a black robe. (Classy!)
b. a bedazzled black robe. (Unique!)
c. a black robe with nothing underneath. (Flirty!)

4. In your high school yearbook, you were voted:
a. Most Likely to Enter Jurisprudence
b. Neatest Hairstyle
c. Closet Babe

5. When you walk down the street, it feels like:
a. 78% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
b. 84% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
c. 92% of the country doesn’t know who you are.

6. The best part about being a justice is:
a. the unparalleled job security.
b. the group camaraderie.
c. the paparazzi attention.

If you answered mostly As, you’re one of the Supreme Court Justices! (We’d say which one, but we can’t name one either.)

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Today’s Random Thought

25 Dec

An eye for an eye makes the whole world half blind – with limited depth perception.

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Espionage is a Dirty Business

3 Dec

(A spy in a suit is tailing a foreign diplomat through Washington. The spy follows the diplomat into one of the Smithsonian’s bathrooms.)

SPY (into earpiece): The subject has entered the bathroom. I’m in the adjacent stall.

(through earpiece): Roger. Keep us updated.

(Minutes pass. The diplomat shrugs off the garbled conversation emanating from the toilet next to him as someone talking to himself. In any country, asking people you’re pooping next to what they’re talking about is generally frowned upon.)

(through earpiece): How’s it going, Agent? Any movements?

SPY: Gross. Oh, wait, he’s about to move!

(through earpiece): Stay with him. Do exactly as he does.

SPY: Gotcha.

(The diplomat exits the stall, stops by the sink, and turns for the door without turning on the faucet.)

SPY: Woah, wait. We’ve got a problem.

(through earpiece): What is it? Did you lose him?

SPY: No, I got him.

(through earpiece): Then what’s the issue?

SPY (hesitate): He didn’t wash his hands?

(through earpiece): So? Just follow him! Who cares?!

SPY: I can’t just leave without washing. That’s nasty!

(through earpiece): Agent, if you lose your target, you can kiss your security clearance goodbye. Now go catch up!

SPY: I don’t even want to be near him! That guy has no hygiene! I don’t know how it works in Azerbaijan, but you’ve got to clean up after yourself here in the states!

(through earpiece): I don’t care! Go catch up before you blow this entire mission. And he’s from Turkmenistan! Do you even read the briefs we send you?

SPY: Fine, I’ll go, but don’t come crying to me if this is the worst flu season the history’s seen in years. I’m leaving the bathroom now.

(from off-camera) Excuse me sir?

(The spy turns, surprised, and finds the diplomat waiting in the corner.)

DIPLOMAT (with accent): Excuse me, sir? I’m not from this country. Do you know who I can tell to replace the soap?

 

 

 

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