Espionage is a Dirty Business

3 Dec

(A spy in a suit is tailing a foreign diplomat through Washington. The spy follows the diplomat into one of the Smithsonian’s bathrooms.)

SPY (into earpiece): The subject has entered the bathroom. I’m in the adjacent stall.

(through earpiece): Roger. Keep us updated.

(Minutes pass. The diplomat shrugs off the garbled conversation emanating from the toilet next to him as someone talking to himself. In any country, asking people you’re pooping next to what they’re talking about is generally frowned upon.)

(through earpiece): How’s it going, Agent? Any movements?

SPY: Gross. Oh, wait, he’s about to move!

(through earpiece): Stay with him. Do exactly as he does.

SPY: Gotcha.

(The diplomat exits the stall, stops by the sink, and turns for the door without turning on the faucet.)

SPY: Woah, wait. We’ve got a problem.

(through earpiece): What is it? Did you lose him?

SPY: No, I got him.

(through earpiece): Then what’s the issue?

SPY (hesitate): He didn’t wash his hands?

(through earpiece): So? Just follow him! Who cares?!

SPY: I can’t just leave without washing. That’s nasty!

(through earpiece): Agent, if you lose your target, you can kiss your security clearance goodbye. Now go catch up!

SPY: I don’t even want to be near him! That guy has no hygiene! I don’t know how it works in Azerbaijan, but you’ve got to clean up after yourself here in the states!

(through earpiece): I don’t care! Go catch up before you blow this entire mission. And he’s from Turkmenistan! Do you even read the briefs we send you?

SPY: Fine, I’ll go, but don’t come crying to me if this is the worst flu season the history’s seen in years. I’m leaving the bathroom now.

(from off-camera) Excuse me sir?

(The spy turns, surprised, and finds the diplomat waiting in the corner.)

DIPLOMAT (with accent): Excuse me, sir? I’m not from this country. Do you know who I can tell to replace the soap?




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