Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr. Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

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Today’s Random Thought

30 Aug

Who’s idea was it to put the RNC on at 10 pm EST? They booked the convention in a state full of old people.

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182 Days Left

27 Aug

Tomorrow is going to be my eleventh first day of school. If I’ve learned anything at all from these 1.1 decades of schooling, it’s that teachers, despite your most well-founded beliefs, have personalities. Let’s examine some of the personalities you might encounter on your first day:

The Systematic Organizer: So, I have a couple of little systems that I want to try in the classroom this year. We’ll start with when you walk in. Put your backpack over here when you come in in the morning, and place your homework in this bin. I’ll have a spreadsheet next to the bin every morning and if you could check your name when you turn your assignment in, that’d be great. Next, I’ll have a list of all school supplies you’ll need for the lesson on the board and if you have to borrow something, take what you want from the cabinets in the back of the room. Again, mark what you’re taking on the corresponding spreadsheet. However, you only get a certain amount of supply rentals. You can buy more with stickers, that I’ll give out for good behavior or answering a question correctly. Save your questions until the end, I’m only getting started.

The Scared from Last Year: Hello, children. I’ll have you know that this isn’t my first rodeo and will not be taken advantage of in this classroom. I don’t care how much trouble you’re having controlling your teenage behavior, I’m not going to take any nonsense in this room. And for those wild steeds that can’t be broken, I’ll have you know I’m very close to the principal and have no reserves about calling him regarding you kids. I expect you to remain quiet and attentive while I’m speaking, and will not tolerate any interruptions. I expect to have a classroom of mutual trust and respect, you hear me?

The One Year Left: Welcome, kids. I hope you are all looking forward to a fun year. This is my twenty-eighth year at this school, thirty-seventh as a teacher. I’ve been doing algebra for almost my entire life at this point, so if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer enthusiastically. I like to really get to know my kids each year, so let’s all say a little bit about our hobbies. Mine include golf, arriving late, and complaining about my family.

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Leave It to the Professionals

23 Aug

In an effort to revitalize their flavor line, Lay’s has created an online contest in which ordinary people (and me) can pitch their own ideas for the next great potato chip taste by combining three ingredients. These are a couple of my creations:

Subway Bathroom – Nacho Cheese, Vodka, and Loneliness

Frat Life – Instant Ramen, Mac ‘n’ Cheese, and Punch

Passover with Grandma Sadie – Matzoh Balls, Gefilte Fish, and Horseradish

The New Brooklyn – Cupcakes, Bison Jerky, and Beard Gel

90’s Osaka – Octopus, Sushi Rice, Hello Kitty Minifigure

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Schooooooooool’s Out for Summer

20 Aug

Summer is a period of relaxation for students all over the globe, but many teachers take it upon themselves to provide their students with a refresher to stop students from forgetting their learning while they enjoy their break. Oftentimes, this is just cleverly-disguised busy work.

Hello students,

I trust you’re enjoying your summer vacation. However, don’t let the late mornings and calm afternoons fool you into thinking you have time off. As students, every waking moment of your life is actually dominated by work; we just give you summer to keep morale up. So, I have prepared a light workload for you:

1. Choose 3 of the 5 books listed on that sheet you were given on the last day of school. Since all of you lost it, I have prepared some extras and left them at the front office. Good luck getting them: the staff likes to enjoy their summer as well! I know you are choosing these books based on their length, so I’ve kept them all equal at a slender 1000 pages.

2. Write an essay of 10,000 words about our key subject for next year: dreams. If the topic were more specific, your reading would be much more relevant. (Important: This will be my first and lasting impression of you. If you do exceptionally poorly or exceptionally well, every other assignment you do will be judged against it.)

So, finish your sandcastles and roll up your beach towels, because this is only the start. See you in the fall!

 – Mrs. Brushthistle 

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It’s Official

16 Aug

Yesterday, at the Yankee game, I noticed that seemingly every company claims to have an official product of the Yankees. From pudding to mustard to luxury car, nearly every company can claim that their merchandise is “official”. I wondered just how far this advertising trend could go:

ANNOUNCER: And now, a few words from our sponsors.

Keep life moving on the farm with Bjornsson’s, the official animal birthing lubricant of the New York Yankees.

Throw a knuckleball into your digestive system using Ipecac, the official emetic of the New York Yankees.

Enjoy the elegant scenery of Belgium, the official European country of the New York Yankees.

If you’re looking to redecorate, head on over to Ikea, the official hex-wrench assembled furniture of the New York Yankees.

And finally, there’s no better way to spend an afternoon than enjoying some Philadelphia Phillies baseball, the official sports team of the New York Yankees.

 

 

 

(My dad made me write this: I have no affiliation with any of these companies, especially Bjornsson’s animal birthing lubricant.)

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Putting the “Art” in “Fart”

15 Aug

This last week, I fisnished my final summer at camp. Traditionally, the oldest group of campers are taken on a week-long trip to California, and this year’s didn’t fail to meet expectations. However, amongst Hollywood, Laguna Beach, Rodeo Drive, someone had the shortsightedness to bring a group of 23 teenage boys to the Getty Art Museum. Here are a few choice quotations that could be heard if you just so happened to be there on  the same day as us:

“I bet you I can get closer to the paintings than you before the guard notices.”

“Hey, look! If you touch it like this, you can see the paint chips fall off!”

“This place is huge. I wish I brought my roller skates.”

“Sssssh. You’ll wake that old guy on the couch.”

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Gone Fishing

22 Jun

Though the humor on this blog is mature, the author is not. Being in ninth grade, my comedic aspirations are often put on hold by normal high school stuff. For the last two weeks, I have been studying for finals, which surprisingly, is not all that funny. For the next seven weeks, like many boys my age, I will be living it up at summer camp. Unfortunately, my ability to use a computer during that time remains undecided, so posts will be sporadic at best. In the fall, The Lighter Side of the Moon will be back and better than ever, so don’t worry. Until then, get off the computer, get out of the house, and get a tan from something other than screen glare. See you then!

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The Waiting Game

4 Jun

(A girl named Millicent, and her mother, Blythe, who lives vicariously through her child, are at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Being the DMV, they are waiting at the back of an extremely long line.)

MILLICENT: Oh my god! This line is ridiculous! Everywhere we go, we have to wait in line!

BLYTHE (looking up from her bedazzled iPhone): Right? You’d think this DMV could at least try to be somewhat organized!

MILLICENT: Here, I’ll ask this guy in front of us to let us move up.

(Millicent taps him on the shoulder. He turns.)

MILLICENT: Sir, we’re really in a rush to go to my equestrian meet, and I was wondering if you would let us move in front of you in line?

MAN 1: Excuse me? No. You may not cut me.

MILLICENT: But my equestrian meet!

MAN 1: Oh wow. That really makes me reconsider your predicament. With all the pain and suffering around the world, your equestrian meet is really a top priority.

MILLICENT: So we can pass you?

MAN 1: Hell no! And screw your horses!

(Millicent turns, indignant and hurt. Minutes pass as the two wait in line, missing time to catch up on each other’s life as they waste away on their cell phones. Blythe takes occasional swigs from the Bloody Mary in her coffee cup.)

BLYTHE: Oh my god. Oh. My. God! We haven’t moved in literally hours! (gesturing toward a man walking by) Do you know when the lines might start moving again?

MAN 2: Sorry, I don’t work here.

BLYTHE: In the meantime, where can we find the registration forms?

MAN 2: What? I said I don’t work here. Is something wrong with you?

BLYTHE (to Millicent): Well, the staff is so unhelpful around here.

(Man 2 walks away, bewildered. Blythe and Millicent inch closer to the counter.)

CLERK: Next! Next!

BLYTHE: Oh wow! We were waiting so long I forgot what the sound of a clerk sounded like!

CLERK (angrily): What do you want?

BLYTHE: Millicent, would you like to talk to this lady?

MILLICENT (curtly): No.

BLYTHE: Ok, so the reason we’re here is that last week my daughter got her driver’s license. And she was driving around in the Wrangler when a lamp pole came out of nowhere and hit her car. So we got it fixed, but I saw her license and,

CLERK: Hurry up. Do you see this line?

BLYTHE: Well, I was just wondering if we could retake the picture for her driver’s license.

CLERK: Next!

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What Are You Reading?

28 May

(Two people are seated across from each other on the subway. Both are reading on e-readers. The male addresses the female and catches her attention.)

PETER: Say, what are you reading on that Nook?

MARGE: Oh, this is Kafka. Don’t you just love his use of symbolism?

PETER: Very much, very much indeed. At the moment I’m reading Thoreau’s poetry from the 1830’s. It really moves beyond the quotidian nature scenes of the era. Do you enjoy transcendentalism? Have you read Ralph Waldo Emerson?

MARGE: Transcendenta-what? Oh, transcendentalentalentalism. I know that rather well. He’s the guy that wears a red striped sweater in that kids search-and-find book, yes?

PETER: I was flipping through The New Yorker this morning and I saw a review of a new play coming out this week. It’s a four hour dialogue between pieces of hair on the head of a Pakistani orphan. Care to join me?

MARGE: Sure. Sounds great.

PETER: Ah, it’s a frisson getting to know such a literary bon vivant as yourself. It is so taxing, listening to the endless droll of these  uneducated louts, don’t you agree?

MARGE: I have a confession to make. This isn’t Kafka. It’s 50 Shades of Grey. I said it was Kafka to impress you.

PETER: I also have a confession to make. I don’t read the New Yorker; my niece did that play with her drama club last winter. And this isn’t Thoreau, either. It’s a novelization of the second Transformers movie.

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