Tag Archives: writing

Three Pounds of “A” Cut

21 Sep

(An elderly woman marches into her supermarket holding a brisket. She makes a beeline for the meat counter and plunks her tray down.)

WOMAN: Does this look like A-grade brisket? Does it?

BUTCHER: Brisket? How much?

WOMAN: This brisket. I ordered A-grade brisket and this is tough. It’s way too tough to be A-grade.

BUTCHER: No English. See manager. No English. Just cut brisket for gringos.

(The woman finds the meat manager at the front of the store.)

WOMAN: Last week, I bought three pounds of “A” brisket. I cooked it and it came out gray and tough. That sounds more like “B” to me.

MANAGER: I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you. You cooked the brisket and it didn’t turn out great. It’s unfortunate.

WOMAN: Do you mean to insinuate that I botched this brisket? I think that illegal behind the counter did when he gave me the B-grade cut.

MANAGER: Oh no, it’s not a problem with your cooking, it’s just that I can’t accept a gray brisket for a return.

WOMAN: So you see it, too. It’s a gray, tough brisket. Not the A-cut. Do you think, that with my recipe, a nice cut of beef would turn out like this? Frankly, it’s an insult to my honor.

MANAGER (irritated): Well, how’d you cook it? Because my mom always used to simmer it with gravy, trim the fat, and then use the fat to make the gravy.

WOMAN (appalled): Amateur. You leave the fat in the sauce, it’s what softens up the meat. Everyone knows that.

MANAGER (sarcastically): If it does such a good job softening the meat then, why does your brisket look like this?

WOMAN (angered): Don’t get fresh with me. I’ve been coming to this butcher for years now, and I know for a fact the old management would never have made such a debacle with their brisket. What you’re doing is unprofessional.

MANAGER (defeated): Fine, I can give you half off your next purchase, but that’s all-

WOMAN (with attitude): It’s un-pro-fessional. Wait until the girls in my bridge group hear about this.

MANAGER (manipulated): Fine. You can have three pounds of brisket on the house. Will that shut you up?

WOMAN: That’ll do. And I want the gravy, too. And have him wash his hands. He looked dingy.

MANAGER (exhausted): I’ll make sure he’s sanitary. I’ll bring you your order in fifteen minutes.

(Manager leaves.)

WOMAN (calling after him): Make sure it’s the “A” cut!

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If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

16 Sep

If you work at a Sunday school kindergarten, the kids will want to sit on your lap.

If you let them sit on your lap, they will twist your fingers and play with your hands.

If you let them play with your hands, they will smack you with their yarmulke.

If you let them smack you with their yarmulke, they will poke you in the eyes with their sheet music.

If you let them poke you in the eyes with their sheet music, they will wipe their dirty, five-year-old hair on your skin.

Then they will have to go to the bathroom.

If you take them to the bathroom, they will intentionally touch you with their unwashed hands.

If they touch you with their unwashed hands, then they will throw soap foam at you while they wash their hands.

If they throw soap foam at you in the bathroom, then you will still sit quietly when their parents pick them up and say how great their kids are.

If you say how great their kids are, you will go home and sadly write a blog post about how young schoolchildren push you around.

And if you sadly write a blog post about how schoolchildren push you around, you will find yourself looking forward to the next Sunday.

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Today’s Random Thought

11 Sep

Today I saw a little girl having a tea party with her dad. It’s a shame political ideas were being impressed upon her at such a young age.

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Dos Equis Man for a Rough Economy

8 Sep

He is the cheapest man in the world.

He goes to Costco, tries the samples, and leaves.

He rubs himself with cologne advertisements from magazines before he goes out.

He takes purses from women at the supermarket, just to get their coupons.

He feigns nausea on airplanes for free bottled water.

He is the cheapest man in the world.

“I don’t always drink, but when I do, it’s always something I stole from the honor bar.”

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DIY Convention Speech

5 Sep

Some of you may know, I am (state)’s first (elected office) of (ethnicity) descent. When my (distant ancestor) came to this great country, they believed in freedom. They worked day in, day out as a (profession), even with their chronic (joint) aches. They did everything in their power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? (Nominee)! It has to be (nominee)! It’s in your hands! (Nominee’s opponent) wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and (unspeakable atrocity)! This November, make the right choice!

Example:

Some of you may know, I am Wyoming’s first Director of Weights and Measures of Polynesian descent. When my Great Uncle came to this great country, he believed in freedom. He worked day in, day out as a goat slaughterer, even with his chronic neck aches. He did everything in his power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? Romney! It has to be Romney! It’s in your hands! Obama wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and assemble a slave army of your children to find and destroy the Ten Commandments! This November, make the right choice!

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Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr. Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

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Today’s Random Thought

30 Aug

Who’s idea was it to put the RNC on at 10 pm EST? They booked the convention in a state full of old people.

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182 Days Left

27 Aug

Tomorrow is going to be my eleventh first day of school. If I’ve learned anything at all from these 1.1 decades of schooling, it’s that teachers, despite your most well-founded beliefs, have personalities. Let’s examine some of the personalities you might encounter on your first day:

The Systematic Organizer: So, I have a couple of little systems that I want to try in the classroom this year. We’ll start with when you walk in. Put your backpack over here when you come in in the morning, and place your homework in this bin. I’ll have a spreadsheet next to the bin every morning and if you could check your name when you turn your assignment in, that’d be great. Next, I’ll have a list of all school supplies you’ll need for the lesson on the board and if you have to borrow something, take what you want from the cabinets in the back of the room. Again, mark what you’re taking on the corresponding spreadsheet. However, you only get a certain amount of supply rentals. You can buy more with stickers, that I’ll give out for good behavior or answering a question correctly. Save your questions until the end, I’m only getting started.

The Scared from Last Year: Hello, children. I’ll have you know that this isn’t my first rodeo and will not be taken advantage of in this classroom. I don’t care how much trouble you’re having controlling your teenage behavior, I’m not going to take any nonsense in this room. And for those wild steeds that can’t be broken, I’ll have you know I’m very close to the principal and have no reserves about calling him regarding you kids. I expect you to remain quiet and attentive while I’m speaking, and will not tolerate any interruptions. I expect to have a classroom of mutual trust and respect, you hear me?

The One Year Left: Welcome, kids. I hope you are all looking forward to a fun year. This is my twenty-eighth year at this school, thirty-seventh as a teacher. I’ve been doing algebra for almost my entire life at this point, so if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer enthusiastically. I like to really get to know my kids each year, so let’s all say a little bit about our hobbies. Mine include golf, arriving late, and complaining about my family.

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Leave It to the Professionals

23 Aug

In an effort to revitalize their flavor line, Lay’s has created an online contest in which ordinary people (and me) can pitch their own ideas for the next great potato chip taste by combining three ingredients. These are a couple of my creations:

Subway Bathroom – Nacho Cheese, Vodka, and Loneliness

Frat Life – Instant Ramen, Mac ‘n’ Cheese, and Punch

Passover with Grandma Sadie – Matzoh Balls, Gefilte Fish, and Horseradish

The New Brooklyn – Cupcakes, Bison Jerky, and Beard Gel

90’s Osaka – Octopus, Sushi Rice, Hello Kitty Minifigure

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Schooooooooool’s Out for Summer

20 Aug

Summer is a period of relaxation for students all over the globe, but many teachers take it upon themselves to provide their students with a refresher to stop students from forgetting their learning while they enjoy their break. Oftentimes, this is just cleverly-disguised busy work.

Hello students,

I trust you’re enjoying your summer vacation. However, don’t let the late mornings and calm afternoons fool you into thinking you have time off. As students, every waking moment of your life is actually dominated by work; we just give you summer to keep morale up. So, I have prepared a light workload for you:

1. Choose 3 of the 5 books listed on that sheet you were given on the last day of school. Since all of you lost it, I have prepared some extras and left them at the front office. Good luck getting them: the staff likes to enjoy their summer as well! I know you are choosing these books based on their length, so I’ve kept them all equal at a slender 1000 pages.

2. Write an essay of 10,000 words about our key subject for next year: dreams. If the topic were more specific, your reading would be much more relevant. (Important: This will be my first and lasting impression of you. If you do exceptionally poorly or exceptionally well, every other assignment you do will be judged against it.)

So, finish your sandcastles and roll up your beach towels, because this is only the start. See you in the fall!

 – Mrs. Brushthistle 

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