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Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?

7 Dec

I get it. You’re unhappy with your life. But with all the alcohol, drugs, and antidepressants out there, why is watching other people drive their life into the ground the best way to make you feel better? Why isn’t my health teacher explaining the dangers of reality television? Where is the Ad Council campaign against reality TV? I want to know.

Before you people start sending me angry letters about how I’m ragging on the only thing that keeps you going, let’s get this straight: I don’t hate all reality television. Game shows, The Amazing Race, they’re all fine. It’s only the ones that legitimately destroy brain cells that I dislike.

Last night, I watched the show Queen Bees. Surprisingly enough, this isn’t a Discovery documentary, but a poorly-made program in which mean teenage girls live in a house together. The girls were casted based on their nastiness, but earn “stars” when they do good deeds in the house. These “stars” can be used to buy phone calls, nice lunches, and other things. In short, it’s like prison. You can’t see it, but these stars are definitely being used to buy cigarettes off camera. Also, who names the contestants? It’s like their parents opened up The Trampy Baby Name Book, played eenie-meenie-minie-mo, and welcomed their beautiful baby Gisbelle into the world. They’re not a Disney princess, they’re a real human, and need a real human name to match.

Keeping with a similar theme, there’s Kim Kardashian. Kim-K got her start in the earliest form of reality TV, then decided to bring her talents into other media worlds, such as those in which people wear clothes. Solidifying her coveted status as the world’s worst role model, she recently divorced her husband after 72 days, which is shorter than:

  • the trial period on a Snuggie
  • how long the girls on Teen Mom had to stick with their poor decisions
  • the length of time in which the Obama Chia pet was on the market

And yet, her TV show earns her millions of dollars. Despicable.

So, media moguls, here are my ideas for entertaining, informative reality shows, that will hopefully de-stupid America:

Ralph: The story of a man who lost his job, fed his family through frugal spending, then found another steady job with patience and determination.

15 and Stressed: One girl faces boys, grades, and parents with grace and confidence.

The Blog Master: A freshman in high school updates his blog several times a week to mixed reviews and moderate success.

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I’m Allergic to (Packing) Peanuts

6 Dec

As all of you hopefully know, the United States Postal Service is at risk of bankruptcy. As an up-standing citizen, I refuse to stand idly by and watch this pillar of American life crumble by the wayside. But, this is a rare occasion, as I am making a criticism with a possible solution in mind.

Your friendly neighborhood mailman.

Bring back the pony express. Even if there was only one horse per post office, small children and their parents would send letters to themselves just to watch a horse come down the street. Also, local offices could have “Support Our Mail Pony” fundraisers, and the outpouring of support would be enough to fund the post office for years, pony or not. It would also solve the unemployment problem, since someone would have to clean up the dung left behind by our hooved (or the occasional inappropriate human) mail carriers.

(Lastly, in a bit of shameless self-promotion, follow this blog if you want mail ponies.)

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Another Thing For You to Buy With My Name On It

4 Dec

People are always asking me questions: Where did you learn how to command a room with your presence? What flavor body butter do you use, or is your skin just naturally radiant? Why does my heart flutter and fall like a wounded butterfly when I look at you?

Frankly, I have no idea. My mom buys my body butter.

But, to save my breath and avoid fan encounters dangerous to my reputation, (If you’re Southern, female, and think I may have fathered your child, please e-mail my support team at youhavelowselfesteem@babymamas.com.) I am going to write a book of questions and answers. And here’s the kicker: I write the questions and the answers. Hopefully, this book will inspire you to act more like me, as if the cologne wasn’t enough.

My ultimate goal with this book is to have it read in book clubs everywhere, wherein middle-aged women will like it so much they’ll send handmade textiles. You may not be able to see it through my masculine exterior, but I do appreciate quality needle-pointing. Now, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new book, Overcome Your Social Ineptitude By Acting More Like Me!

93. How can I have as many friends as you do?

If you want more friends, don’t go to all the conventional places you can find friends, such as coffee shops and playgrounds. They’re all used up in terms of friend potential, and all that’s left will be dweebs and nebbishes. Instead, start talking with people at adjacent urinals, especially in high-end stores and restaurants.

167. Why do I feel so inadequate when I compare myself to you?

I think you know the answer to that one.

303. I try to be funny like you, but I just can’t do it. Any tips?

Humor is sort of the hay in a pile of needles. Look in the wrong place, and you’ll stabbed repeatedly, but find the target, and you’ll have something to chew on for a while. Start with popsicle sticks and candy wrappers for fresh material.

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You Smell Great! What Are You Wearing?

28 Nov

During my Black Friday shopping, as I stopped in a Walgreens for a deal on iTunes cards, I noticed something surprising: The number of celebrity fragrances available for purchase. Some seem like good ideas, others less so, but I’ll happily hand these stars credit for being so narcissistic, they KNOW people want to smell like them.

Some of the perfumes and colognes seemed like good ideas, but were just marketed so poorly, it was laughable. For example, Britney Spears has 6 signature scents, all of which give you that sexy I-Just-Shaved-My-Head-For-Publicity smell you’ve been dreaming of. The funniest part about her fragrance line is that 4 of 6 perfumes have the word “Fantasy” in the title. I love the way the differences between “Fantasy,” “Midnight Fantasy,” “Hidden Fantasy,” and “Circus Fantasy” are made so clear to the consumer.

Others are just plain bad ideas. I love Derek Jeter, being an avid Yankee fan, but he’s not someone I’d really enjoy smelling like. My mom always makes me take a shower after I play baseball, not capture my sweat and put it in a bottle. Perhaps, it just smells like baseballs. Similar, to “Forbidden Rose” by Avril Lavigne, it may just smell like leather.

My fragrance will look like this. But much more awesome.

But, there are some people who I would happily smell like. How bad can Justin Bieber smell like, if that many people are hugging him?The word would have spread a long time ago if he smelled like trash. Besides, his fragrance “Someday” is expected to net the Canadian songbird over 30 million dollars, even after he donates a large percentage to charity. Which got me thinking, I should make my own scent!

I’m definitely at least half as cool as Justin Bieber which, by my calculations, ought to make my cologne earn over 15 million dollars! Why didn’t I think of this earlier? I can bottle my own popularity, and sell it for money! It’s the best investment I’ll likely ever make. Apparently, the key to making a successful celebrity scent is infusing yourself into the product so here’s what I’ve come up with:

This holiday season, treat that special someone in your life with a bottle of Ridiculicious, the new fragrance from the man behind the hit humor blog, The Lighter Side of the Moon. With tenderly layered scents of temperate deciduous forest, apricot hamentashen, and macaroni ‘n’ cheese, you’ll exude confidence and success just by letting people sniff you. Look for it at most fine retailers.

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Facebook, I’m Breaking Up With You

27 Nov

When I first started seeing Facebook, it was young love: I’d skip homework to go play with it, I’d see it every day after school, and I thought we could never be separated. And then, you changed.

It all started with my “friends” using you to answer questions about me. Then you wouldn’t let me see the answer unless I bought coins. Seriously? I thought we were closer than that. I thought we could share everything (except age, sex, and location), coins or no coins.

Then, you started to change yourself nearly every week. I told you from the start, “Baby, you don’t need to change yourself for me.” But you wouldn’t listen. Every day, it seems like, you came up to me asking to update you, and I’m forced to play along. My friends and I would always complain about the new you, but you never listened.

We had a good run. So many memories.

Then there were the games you played. Why are you farming? Am I not good enough for you? Are you having an affair with a virtual farmer? Sure, cover it up with free virtual strawberries. This isn’t a game. I’m putting myself out on the web, and you’re treating it like a game.

Now, I can’t read a frickin’ news story without everyone knowing. Why do you make everything so public? Congratulations if you love Jesus, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t notice that if you re-post a million times. There will be no killer clowns in your bedroom, and your family will not be murdered if you don’t re-post, so why do you do it? Just keep scrolling.

Facebook, we had a good run, but we need some time off. I’m breaking up with you.

P.S. Facebook didn’t take it well. She responded angrily, “Fine! I don’t give a damn! Go spend time with Google+, you jerk!”

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2015 World Beard and Mustache Championships

26 Nov

Now that Thanksgiving festivities are coming to a close, we Americans officially begin the Holiday season, and we eagerly await Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Leif Erickson Day, or whatever you celebrate. I however, feel as though these holidays are overshadowing something we all can look forward to – The 2015 World Beard and Mustache Championships in scenic Leogang, Austria!

This spectacular event, held every 4 years, is a venerable Mecca for facial hair enthusiasts the world over. Not only can you gawk at some of the finest beards, sideburns, and mustaches on this earth, but you can also mingle with other people and discuss razors, or gels, or whatever beard-lovers talk about at a get-together like this. Even better, the host city, Leogang, is known for its beautiful alpine scenery, and I’ve heard exciting rumors about some local yodeling troupes.

Willi Chevalier of Germany displaying his beard, which won first prize in the Freestyle and Partial categories.

But, like any high-profile event of this caliber, the location has caused some heated controversy. Many enthusiasts associated with Beard Team USA are complaining about two European championships in a row, (The 2011 Championships were held in Norway) and were gunning for the competition to come stateside. This minor complaint is still usually augmented with a statement about the excitement with which the news arrived. I also find myself aligning with these folks, as I hope to have some semblance of facial hair by 2019.

Now, this post must come to a close, as the excitement is getting to me, too. Besides, I need to book tickets before they sell out.

P.S. Go here (www.worldbeardchampionships.com) for news and results from international beard competition.

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Hipster Baked Goods: Red Velvet Cupcakes

25 Nov

Welcome to a new series, here on the Lighter Side of the Moon. For the last few years, I’ve stood idly by, and watched fedora-wielding hipsters infest New York with their irony and over-priced baked goods. Today, in my never-ending quest for truth, I ask the tough questions, and wonder: What makes this bakery item so expensive? With each installment, we’ll uncover the secrets behind one delicious treat, and learn what those dastardly hipsters are putting in them. So, without further ado, let’s discuss our first item, the red velvet cupcake.

Surprisingly enough, there is no actual velvet in these cupcakes. They have an off-white cream cheese icing, and a deep, reddish hue. In some artisan exam-

ples of these cupcakes, it is the coloring of these cakes where the money goes to. For example, some bakers prefer to use sacrificial blood obtained from Maya prisoners-of-war in ancient Guatemala, which has been fermenting in cisterns for thousands of years. I guess you could say, they’re to die for. Other cupcakes are colored by grinding and mashing up to 72 separate kinds of beetles, from the lush tropical rain forests of Papua New Guinea. The color is so bright, you could really bug out.

Other bakers pay closer attention to the icing, which is one half of the cupcake. One cook I imagined speaking to, said he preferred the breast milk of freshly impregnated Floridian albino manatees, which would then be made into cream by imported Dutch milkmaids. The flavor of the icing is really accentuated by the fear the manatees have of being decapitated by boats. One of the more nouveau cupcakes I’ve seen has cream cheese derived from Kobe cows, but that’s not all. In order to have a lighter texture, the cream spends up to 18 months on the International Space Station, where the low gravity helps to distribute the flavor, so I’ve been told.

Now you understand why some baked goods cost more than others. If you’re feeling adventurous, give one of these cupcakes a try. The hipsters will need the cash when their parents stop funding them.

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You CAN Spell Literature Without Laughter

22 Nov

Top 3 Funniest Lines in Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea:

Sharks. Fishing. What's not to like? Everything.

1.

2.

3.

The title page was a real knee-slapper.

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