Tag Archives: red velvet

Hipster Baked Goods: Red Velvet Cupcakes

25 Nov

Welcome to a new series, here on the Lighter Side of the Moon. For the last few years, I’ve stood idly by, and watched fedora-wielding hipsters infest New York with their irony and over-priced baked goods. Today, in my never-ending quest for truth, I ask the tough questions, and wonder: What makes this bakery item so¬†expensive? With each installment, we’ll uncover the secrets behind one delicious treat, and learn what those dastardly hipsters are putting in them. So, without further ado, let’s discuss our first item, the red velvet cupcake.

Surprisingly enough, there is no actual velvet in these cupcakes. They have an off-white cream cheese icing, and a deep, reddish hue. In some artisan exam-

ples of these cupcakes, it is the coloring of these cakes where the money goes to. For example, some bakers prefer to use sacrificial blood obtained from Maya prisoners-of-war in ancient Guatemala, which has been fermenting in cisterns for thousands of years. I guess you could say, they’re to die for. Other cupcakes are colored by grinding and mashing up to 72 separate kinds of beetles, from the lush tropical rain forests of Papua New Guinea. The color is so bright, you could really bug out.

Other bakers pay closer attention to the icing, which is one half of the cupcake. One cook I imagined speaking to, said he preferred the breast milk of freshly impregnated Floridian albino manatees, which would then be made into cream by imported Dutch milkmaids. The flavor of the icing is really accentuated by the fear the manatees have of being decapitated by boats. One of the more nouveau cupcakes I’ve seen has cream cheese derived from Kobe cows, but that’s not all. In order to have a lighter texture, the cream spends up to 18 months on the International Space Station, where the low gravity helps to distribute the flavor, so I’ve been told.

Now you understand why some baked goods cost more than others. If you’re feeling adventurous, give one of these cupcakes a try. The hipsters will need the cash when their parents stop funding them.

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