Tag Archives: writing

You ARE The Father!

6 Jan

Last week, my father, brother and I, looking for a wholesome family bonding experience, sat down on the couch to watch The Maury Povich Show. I was so inspired I’ve decided to start my now paternity test show. Please enjoy this sneak peek:

(I am sitting on the left, with a man, Dominique, and his girlfriend, Tanganyika. They’re desperately avoiding eye contact, though their passion for each other is unmissable.)

ME: Tanganyika recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Clare, (cut to video monitor with picture of Clare). However, Dominque has concerns over whether he is the father. He has heard rumors that his iguana, Tico, is really Clare’s daddy, and came to me to help smooth this matter over. Dominique, let’s hear your side of the story.

DOMINIQUE: I thought I was the father, until my aunt’s cousin’s book club member’s swim coach’s dad said he had heard that Tico was the father of the baby. Then, I didn’t know who to trust so I came on the show.

ME: And Tanganyika?

TANGANYIKA: I don’t know why I’m here. I know for a fact Dominque is the father of my baby, cuz I never even met Tico, except when I helped Domique clean the cage.

ME: Let’s get Tico out here, and here his story.

(Tico enters from stage left. He looks confused and lizardy.)

ME: Nice to have you here, Tico!

TICO: …

DOMINIQUE: See, TIco has diabetes, and so does Clare. That’s why he’s the father!

ME: Actually, Clare has Type 2 diabetes, which isn’t hereditary. Also, her diet consists of KFC Baby Food and Lucky Charms, so the diabetes thing isn’t really evidence.

(Dominique is gazing at the wall. His eyes aren’t focused and a small bead of drool is falling from his bottom lip.)

ME: Well, let’s get the results. When it comes to one-year-old Clare, Dominique, you are the father!

(Dominique and Tanganyika embrace tearfully. Tico runs into the studio audience and eats a fly in the corner of the room. Dominique stops him, since his blood sugar is through the roof already. Cut to commercial.)

ANNOUNCER: After the break, we talk to Abraham, who is trying to stop his daughter from marrying a coffee mug.

This picture looks like it belongs in a cult dining room.

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What if Jack Hanna Was Your Tennis Coach?

3 Jan

“With your approach shot, you’re gonna wanna be fast and aggressive. Like a shark. Or a tiger. Or a badger.”

“You call that hustle? I’ve helped elephants cross a Cambodian minefield faster than that!”

“God, you stink! Like my friend Sally the Skunk here. Don’t touch her face, she has a tendency to excrete a foul-smelling odor when threatened. It’s one of nature’s great defense mechanisms.”

“If you start sweating, you gotta push through. Come on now. When was the last time you saw a camel give up while crossing the desert? For me, it was last week, actually. But that’s beside the point.”

Put me in, Coach!

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Rosetta Stone: Jersey Shore Edition

1 Jan

With the new season of Jersey Shore just around the corner, they may be several reasons why you’re not watching. Maybe you’re old and don’t understand their hip, young lingo. Maybe you’re young and need to explain their hip, young lingo to an old person. Maybe you’re just plain repulsed by it all. Whatever the reason, Rosetta Stone has a product for you:

The box design is a selling point.

(I don’t own the rights to the photographs used in this post and don’t pretend to.)

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That’s So 1%

31 Dec

Now that the Occupy movement has largely disbanded, I can be less fearful of their mob mentality when I ridicule them on a public forum. So, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new TV show, Thats So 1%.

(Lilac, the matriarch of the Chesterfield family, is sitting at home with her son, Chauncey. Lilac and Chauncey are seated on a velvet couch. Lilac is wearing a yellow sundress and an oversized white sunhat. Chauncey is still in his pajamas, and is desperately trying to persuade her that it is December, and sundresses are a little out of season.)

LILAC: Chauncey, if it were December, why would I be wearing a sundress?

CHAUNCEY: That’s precisely the point, mother. It’s 23 degrees out there.

LILAC: Here, enough of this petty arguing. Let’s ask Mellamo.

(Mellamo was the long-time maid of the Chesterfield family. Surprisingly enough, her name is actually Guadalupe, but when she first arrived at the home, she introduced her self by saying, “Me llamo Guadalupe,” and the name stuck.)

MELLAMO: Actually Miss Lilac, it’s way too cold for the sundress. Perhaps I should get you the coat you had made last winter, the one with a lining of baby seal. Environmental carelessness is a most becoming look for you.

LILAC: You know what, all this debating has tired me out. I don’t really feel like leaving the house today.

(Lilac, longing for the days when her children couldn’t point out her innumerable character flaws, walks across the room to a cabinet and gestures toward a photo album situated on the third shelf, about as high as Lilac’s navel.)

LILAC: Mellamo, can you get this? I’m far too frail to get up on the step ladder.

(Mellamo gets the photo album resentfully, no step ladder required. Lilac settles down on the couch with the album and opens up to a page full of pictures from the vacation house in the Cape. She settles down and flashbacks to a favorite memory from their vacations. Lilac is seen recalling her bridge partner, Tabitha, describing to her how her husband was taking her on a walk through the downtown, to window shop in those delightful little stores. Lilac, not to be outdone, hired a pilot to fly her over the downtown, where she window shopped from above.)

LILAC: Oh, Chauncey, isn’t this picture just delightful? You were all so cute.

CHAUNCEY: Yes, Corinth [his younger sister] was just the funniest little trust fund baby in town. And there I am, a trust fund toddler.

END SCENE

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What if Rabbis Were Completely Honest in Bar Mitzvah Speeches?

29 Dec

“Working with Jeremy was not the best experience I’ve ever had with a student. Let’s just say he’s not the tastiest charoset on the seder plate. I think I speak for the whole congregation when I say we’re all surprised you made it this far. Hopefully, none of you noticed the many mistakes Jeremy made earlier this morning, since I know I did. Jeremy, here’s to you, your family, and your long future filled with further mistakes. Shabbat Shalom.”

“Chelsea was a delightful student, except for some things. First off, for the record, thank you Chelsea for coming up with such unoriginal analysis of your portion. It made my life much easier. However, you have that horrible nasally voice. I didn’t know anything could be so grating before meeting the Bat Mitzvah girl. And Mrs. Goldberg, Chelsea’s mom, you’ve got to relax a little bit. Oy gevalt, ever heard of micromanaging? Chelsea, congratulations, and go party. Your mother’s put in a lot of effort on this one.”

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Today’s Random Thought

28 Dec

Sometimes my dad complains that he’d rather be at the beach than golfing. Luckily for him, he spends so much time in the sand and water he can’t tell the difference!

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Looks Like the Cat’s Out of the Bag … Along With All Those Novelty Golf Clubs

27 Dec

My grandparents have taught me many important things: how to yell at waiters, how to spend hours in Neiman Marcus, and how to play golf. Golf isn’t my favorite sport, but I don’t mind nine holes every now and again. However, there are obviously some people who don’t have the self-control to sit through a round of golf. If that sounds like you, check out these 3 ridiculous novelty golf clubs.

1. The UroClub

At the most basic level, this is a reasonable idea for a product. You’re on the fairway, you need to take a leak, but you’re far too proud to use the trees in front of your Tuesday morning group.

Classy.

So instead, you walk to a secluded corner, unscrew the UroClub’s triple-seal lid (anything less would be a health hazard) and relieve yourself. Yep, the UroClub is a urine receptacle designed to look like a golf club. Products like these make me really happy, since they make my life a lot easier by practically writing the jokes themselves. Just in case you were worried about someone sneaking a peak while you’re doing your business, it comes with an inconspicuous “privacy cloth” to conceal yourself with. It’s a great idea, since nobody gets suspicious when you spend two minutes wiping the same bit of your club grip at pelvis height. Also, where is the ladies’ version? Golf is no longer a single sex game, but why is there no fair representation in the novelty golf club industry? Everybody sell your stock on this one, because the National Organization for Women is going to be breaking down the doors there any second.

2. The Kooler Klub

How often have you been out golfing, but despaired at your inability to bring along your favorite beverages?

That beverage looks like blood.

The brilliant engineers at Club Champ understand you. They get that you need a cold drink to be at your athletic pinnacle, so they’ve disguised a drink dispenser as a golf club. Catching up on the last day of the season? Fill up the 48 ounce tank (spacious!) with coffee and stay toasty all eighteen holes. Stuck in the trap mid-August? Fill your cup with cold soda and select your lucky iron. At least this one won’t earn you as much social ridicule as the club you pee into. Remember, nothing makes golf better than heavy drinking.

3. Big Daddy Driver

Wow. What a remarkably unspecific name for anything. Allow me to elaborate for you. The Big Daddy Driver has a built-in weedwhacker so you can get a better lie. Sure, by all means, damage the course and ruin the peace for everyone else, just so your ball can sit a little better.

Arms dealers everywhere are after this thing.

Feel free. Seriously, it wouldn’t even make sense to have your driver out when your ball is sitting in the rough. Also, why do we want people that have just gotten drunk off of and urinated into golf clubs using them as garden tools? It’s just a bad combination. Look at the size of that hole! That could certainly screw up someone’s game. Have fun explaining it to a groundskeeper.

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What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

24 Dec

My name is Sherm Lubenstein. I live in the Eastern Confederation, once the world’s most powerful nation. Today, however, in 2231, that is no longer the case.

In 2174, the President decide that what we needed to better our workforce was hyper-specialization, as he described in his classic “What We Need to Better our Workforce is Hyper-specialization” speech. To do so, he made it such that 4-yeard-old’s would choose their careers. These choices are final, so whatever job you pick at the age of 4 is what you’d be stuck with for the rest of your life.

Since the children are allowed to select their jobs, there are tremendous inbalances between careers. At the job selection event in one town with 1000 4-year-olds, there were 365 professional baseball players, 202 astronauts, and 173 ballerinas. Little did they know, a society with 20% of it’s individuals living in space is headed straight for failure. There are only so many dance companies and baseball teams. The 72 ice cream vendors will only pull from the workers in the fields, growing the food our nation needs.

Not to mention, your childhood isn’t ripe with decision-making ability. I made the unfortunate decision to be a professional roller coaster rider, and now suffer from extreme vertigo and chronic nausea. My wife chose to work at a McDonald’s playplace, and now suffers from chronic back pain, as those nets are rather unforgiving after 8 hours. These ailments force massive numbers of people to quit their jobs at too young an age, and put a massive strain on the 84 out of 1000 people that chose to be doctors.

Today, the Eastern Confederation suffers through a myriad of problems that can only be addressed by the repeal of this law. Our government spends millions building spaceships for our astronauts. Our few scientists must figure out how to make Tommy into Buzz Lightyear. (The kid who chose to be Woody was much less of a headache.) I, Sherm Lubenstein, refuse to continue on this path. If you agree, meet me on the Brain-Buster at Rocky Rapids Amusement Park. Wear a carnation on your lapel. Up the Rebels!

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Today’s Random Thought

24 Dec

Why do the hibachi and fondue industries get to charge extra for forcing you to cook the food?

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Today’s Random Thought

19 Dec

If Santa drove a Camry instead of a sleigh, it would cost 4000 dollars in gas to drive the world’s circumference. If he feeds his reindeer a nutritious diet of apples, it costs him 100,000 dollars to feed them for the big night. Seems like those elves must be getting slave wages.

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