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Newt’s 2013 White House Halloween Party

16 Mar

NEWT: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 White House Halloween party. Thanks so much to my fourth wife, Shawna, for planning this wonderful event. I’m sure you can see, I’m dressed as one of the America’s greatest leaders, Ronald Reagan. In this new presidency, I think it would be nice to pay homage to the man, the myth, and the legend with this little get-together, as we bring Ronald Reagan conservatism back to America!  Now, if you kids want to start trick-or-treating, we have jelly beans all over the room.

(Talking with a congressman)

NEWT: …with abortions, I guess I’m against them. But hey, what if that little fetus is the next Great Communicator? I don’t think I can be the judge of that!

(With the commander of NASA)

NEWT: The moon colony’s gonna need a fresh new motif, and I’ve got an idea: every flight is named for a different Ronald Reagan movie. And the main base – we’ll call it the Gipper!

(Two staff members are chatting in the corner.)

STAFF 1: You seen Newt? I just saw him with the senator a second ago.

STAFF 2: Yeah, I think he’s out with his “female friend”. But don’t worry: it’s only impeachable if you’re a Democrat.

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A DIY Primary Victory Speech

21 Jan

As if everything presidential primary nominees say isn’t written for them, I’ve decided to make this fill-in-the-blank victory speech and sell it to nominees for ridiculous prices. The best things in life aren’t free.

“Good [time of day]! We really did it today! Thanks so much to my campaign staff, my family, and most importantly, the great people of [state]! It is my honest opinion that the biggest threat to America today is [current president], and I will not stop until [current president] stops bringing this country down with him! We can beat him! Now, as we look towards [state], [state], and eventually [state], we need to keep working! This is our chance! We can change America for the better! With [domestic problem], [international problem], and threats from [hostile country] challenging our lifestyles every day, we need a president like [speaker]! We can do it everybody! [Speaker] for president, [year]!”

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