Tag Archives: teenager

Standardized Jest

9 Dec

(An SAT test writer and his wife are sleeping in their bed. It is 2:30 AM.)

HUSBAND (suddenly): Uh, that’s such a great question.
WIFE (sleepy): Wha-t?
HUSBAND  (frenzied): I just thought of the perfect question. After all these years, I’ve got it.
WIFE: Honey, come back to bed. You can write it down in the morning.
HUSBAND: You don’t understand. This is the question we’ve been dreaming of forever – it seems easy enough when you first look at it but it’s actually impossible. Oh, there’s gonna be so many tears!
WIFE: Honey, that’s cruel. Now go to sleep.
HUSBAND: When Beethoven woke up with a symphony in mind did his wife tell him to go to sleep? She might have, but he couldn’t hear her. And the same goes for Van Gogh – he didn’t have an ear or a wife.
WIFE: You write standardized test questions. Relax.
HUSBAND (mad but meek): You don’t understand. This is the question to triumph all questions. All you need is ninth grade math, but still nobody can finish it!
WIFE: Whatever, just finish up and come back to sleep.
HUSBAND (frenzied): Go back to sleep? I have to call the guys! This is going to keep so many kids out of college. The bosses offered a promotion to whoever could increase the number of sobbing fits and this is just what the doctor ordered.
WIFE: Don’t you ever feel bad about all the stress these kids go through?
HUSBAND (defensive): I like to think we’re testing their academic aptitude and college readiness.
WIFE: Do you really want to make these kids upset? Think back to when you were this age.
HUSBAND (distressed): But, this is my crowning achievement. I did it.
WIFE: But you’ll know you didn’t make some adolescent girl cry on a Saturday morning. Now go to sleep.

(The man lays down and waits for his wife to sleep. He quietly stands up, writes down the question, and basks in its sadistic glow. The warm hug of power has finally overpowered him. Owning the moment, he stands up and declares “Man is the cruelest animal” as he manically cackles himself to sleep.)

 

 

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You Say Apathy Like it’s a Bad Thing

9 Feb

Sadly, Nickelodeon is reporting big losses this quarter. They have attributed this to a lack of fresh new TV show ideas being made available and it’s true: most of them stink. But luckily, I have an idea to save the industry.

Every single Disney or Nick show has the exact same main character: A perky, likable girl and her close-knit friends who often stand up for each other, who do something together while battling bullies and other teenager things. (Alcohol and teen pregnancies are usually two subjects avoided in this market.)

Clearly, that model isn’t working. That’s why my new character is the least interesting person in the world. A teenage boy, Chuck, with oppressive acne goes to school and hangs out with his teenage friends Paxton, Angus, and Leroy who frequently ridicule each other. He usually goes home afterwards and plays video games, all while maintaining an acerbic relationship with his parents. Here’s a sneak preview.

(Chuck is sitting at home playing video games. The doorbell rings and he goes to get it, only after hearing it play six times. He walks downstairs, delicately fingering a yellow zit on his jaw. He opens the door to find a mailman struggling beneath a large package. Please, keep your mind out of the gutter.)

MAILMAN: One package for Chuck Thrushberry.

CHUCK: Harumph.

(Bending over to pick up the box, Chuck accidentally lifts the mailman. After noticing that the object he has picked up is not cardboard, he sets the postal worker down roughly.)

MAILMAN: Have a nice day!

CHUCK: Don’t tell me what to do.

(After closing the door, Chuck meanders back into the kitchen, where he opens his box. After searching for a box cutter but coming up fruitless, he pulls out a dirty spoon instead. The box is quickly covered in soggy cereal and hours-old milk, but has opened. Chuck reaches in to pull out a large bag of cupcake mix. Though he may come off simple, Chuck does have a secret affinity for the culinary arts. Conveniently, almost as if it were scripted, Mrs. Thrushberry appears, still unaware of her son’s talents with a cake mold.)

MRS. THRUSHBERRY: Aren’t you a little old to be making cupcakes, Chuck?

CHUCK: Aren’t you a little old to be in a onesie?

(Having only seen her face, the audience now learns Mrs. Thrushberry is in fact wearing a onesie, and she quickly leaves the room with no explanation. Turning away, Chuck’s fingers once again return to the yellow zit. Chuck pulls away quickly, remembering that if he coddles his zits, they may never be able to live on their own, and once again hikes upstairs for more video games.)

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