Tag Archives: interview

Bieber’s Big Adventure

22 Apr

Rumors are flying that Justin Bieber will be attending the esteemed Cornell University next fall as a student (he had better chances at admission being a foreign applicant). Though this story is proven to be blatantly false, I have certain obligations as a blogger to perpetuate lies generated on the Internet. Here is a leaked transcript from Justin’s admissions interview:

 

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to come here to Cornell?

BIEBER: Well, I’m excited to begin this next project, and I really hope the fans like this. Everything I do is for the fans. They’re my backbone. They motivate me.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me? You are applying to a university. Your fans do not matter.

BIEBER: Whoa. I’m not here to make anyone angry. I just want to make some music and have fun. I think Cornell’s going to be a great next step in my life path. I’ve done great things in the music world, but there’s still things I want to do.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your prospective major?

BIEBER: I’m going to major in swag, you know? No, I’m really not sure. Definitely not music, or anything like that. I’ll probably survey my fan base on what they want me to do. Current options are veterinary science and aeronautics. Imagine me flying an airplane. That’d be tight!

INTERVIEWER: Quite honestly, I wouldn’t want you flying a plane. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

BIEBER: I’m in it to win it. I’ll really fight for the admissions slot. Cornell’s the place for me. My whole life, I’ve learned that if you have a dream, you’ve got to go catch it. Look out Cornell, here comes Justin Bieber.

INTERVIEWER: That was really believable. Do you have any questions about Cornell before we conclude?

BIEBER: On a scale of one to ten, rank the girls here. Any nice biddies on the campus?

INTERVIEWER: Please leave my office.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,