Why is snow allowed to wear white after Labor Day?
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Tag Archives: writing
But MOM, Everyone Else Has One!
8 DecIn President Obama’s most recent State of the Union Address, he described how US students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and science. While those subjects are all well and good, what about Language Arts? In all seriousness, being able to write is one of the most important skills our nation’s students need to learn, but how can we test writing ability? Do we look at standardized tests? Having taken many of these tests, this information can’t be reliable. How many times in your adult life have you had to write a short story about an elephant that escaped from a zoo and ended up at your house? Sounds like a resounding zero. (If you said yes, I’ll buy your memoir.) Instead, as a nation, we should look at the letters kids write to their parents or Santa, asking for presents. If these letters are persuasive, that’s all that matters. If our kids are good enough, maybe they’ll be able to write letters asking for presents as adults! My fellow Americans, say goodbye to your fears of receiving socks and sweaters, we’re engineering a new generation of writers! The kind that can write letters and get whatever they want!
The new judge of our children's writing ability.
Retired teachers would no longer have to sit in boring, sun-less rooms with nothing but a pile of essays about the same thing. Instead, they could hide inside mailboxes at Macy’s, peel open letters, and grade our American youth to victory. Besides, the South Korean government currently raids tutoring centers because they made it illegal to study after 10 o’clock. The kids will be so stressed, they’ll never bring themselves to write anything more than they have to. Join me, and help propel America to educational success!
Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?
7 DecI get it. You’re unhappy with your life. But with all the alcohol, drugs, and antidepressants out there, why is watching other people drive their life into the ground the best way to make you feel better? Why isn’t my health teacher explaining the dangers of reality television? Where is the Ad Council campaign against reality TV? I want to know.
Before you people start sending me angry letters about how I’m ragging on the only thing that keeps you going, let’s get this straight: I don’t hate all reality television. Game shows, The Amazing Race, they’re all fine. It’s only the ones that legitimately destroy brain cells that I dislike.
Last night, I watched the show Queen Bees. Surprisingly enough, this isn’t a Discovery documentary, but a poorly-made program in which mean teenage girls live in a house together. The girls were casted based on their nastiness, but earn “stars” when they do good deeds in the house. These “stars” can be used to buy phone calls, nice lunches, and other things. In short, it’s like prison. You can’t see it, but these stars are definitely being used to buy cigarettes off camera. Also, who names the contestants? It’s like their parents opened up The Trampy Baby Name Book, played eenie-meenie-minie-mo, and welcomed their beautiful baby Gisbelle into the world. They’re not a Disney princess, they’re a real human, and need a real human name to match.
Keeping with a similar theme, there’s Kim Kardashian. Kim-K got her start in the earliest form of reality TV, then decided to bring her talents into other media worlds, such as those in which people wear clothes. Solidifying her coveted status as the world’s worst role model, she recently divorced her husband after 72 days, which is shorter than:
- the trial period on a Snuggie
- how long the girls on Teen Mom had to stick with their poor decisions
- the length of time in which the Obama Chia pet was on the market
And yet, her TV show earns her millions of dollars. Despicable.
So, media moguls, here are my ideas for entertaining, informative reality shows, that will hopefully de-stupid America:
Ralph: The story of a man who lost his job, fed his family through frugal spending, then found another steady job with patience and determination.
15 and Stressed: One girl faces boys, grades, and parents with grace and confidence.
The Blog Master: A freshman in high school updates his blog several times a week to mixed reviews and moderate success.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 