TELEMARKETER: Hello, can I please speak to Candace?
CANDACE: This is Candace. How can I help you?
TELEMARKETER: Sorry to bother you at nine a.m. on Christmas, but do you enjoy eating carrots?
CANDACE: Yes. I’m on the do-not-call list, can you please leave me alone?
TELEMARKETER: Does your urine ever appear greenish or carry an acidic odor?
CANDACE: Excuse me? How is that even relevant?
TELEMARKETER: Good, you’re not allergic to carrots. I’m here to tell you all about a fantastic new service called Sandra’s Carrot Delivery.
CANDACE: Please don’t call here ever again.
TELEMARKETER: Wait, wait, wait! Here at Sandra’s, we’ve got baby carrots, full-size carrots, cooked carrots, mashed carrots, roasted carrots, stewed carrots. We can dice them, chop them, pound them; really, if it involves carrots, we’ll deliver it to you.
CANDACE: Why would anyone want that? That’s such a bad business model.
TELEMARKETER: Great! So you’re interested. For just $79.99 a month plus shipping and handling, we’ll deliver unlimited carrots to your door.
CANDACE: That’s so much money! Does anyone actually buy deliverable carrots from this stupid sales pitch?
TELEMARKETER: Miss, there’s no need to insult my profession. I work hard to hear people yell at me all day. Do you know what that’s like to have a job where people scream at you all the time?
CANDACE: I’m sorry. That was rude of me.
TELEMARKETER: But you know what will have you screaming: For an additional $34.99, we’ll add free turnips into this remarkable package.
CANDACE: Good bye.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 