Cartoon Guide to Breaking out of Prison

21 Oct

1. Be in prison. I don’t care if you were just holding that ACME bomb for a friend, this is a cartoon. There is no due process nor do you have the right to legal counsel. And just to add insult to injury, you’re going to have to wear a silly striped costume.

2. Smash rocks. Cartoon prisons love it when you smash rocks, so do your best and get the guards on your side.

3. Inform your cellmate of your plan. He doesn’t necessarily have to come along, but he’s going to have to stop playing the harmonica and banging a cup on the bars of your cell long enough for you to get out quietly.

4. Wait. In this cartoon prison, the guards do not work shifts or report to some kind of central command. The only security the prison has at night is a sleeping guard sitting three feet from your cell with his keys hanging loosely from his belt loop.

5. Get the keys. Unfortunately, the guard’s belt is roughly two inches beyond your reach, so it’s time to get creative. Your best bet will probably be to inch your leg out of the cell and grab the keys with your oddly opposable toes.

6. Bolt. Now that you’re out of the cell, you’re automatically out of the prison. That’s just how it works. Something with relativity, I guess.

7. Make it over the wall. Although the prison security has been insanely lax so far, they were really just concentrating their resources on this small strip between the building and the fence. The control tower has big lights, a megaphone, and all kinds of other stuff that’ll spot your attempt.

8. Dig a tunnel. Grab that shovel sitting next to the fence, and get under the fence as fast as you can. I have a feeling this will only take a matter of seconds.

9. Be free. Despite the massive manhunt for you and your face being plastered on all of the newspapers, retreat to a small cabin on a lake and lay in a hammock. They’ll never find you.

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