Looks Like the Cat’s Out of the Bag … Along With All Those Novelty Golf Clubs

27 Dec

My grandparents have taught me many important things: how to yell at waiters, how to spend hours in Neiman Marcus, and how to play golf. Golf isn’t my favorite sport, but I don’t mind nine holes every now and again. However, there are obviously some people who don’t have the self-control to sit through a round of golf. If that sounds like you, check out these 3 ridiculous novelty golf clubs.

1. The UroClub

At the most basic level, this is a reasonable idea for a product. You’re on the fairway, you need to take a leak, but you’re far too proud to use the trees in front of your Tuesday morning group.

Classy.

So instead, you walk to a secluded corner, unscrew the UroClub’s triple-seal lid (anything less would be a health hazard) and relieve yourself. Yep, the UroClub is a urine receptacle designed to look like a golf club. Products like these make me really happy, since they make my life a lot easier by practically writing the jokes themselves. Just in case you were worried about someone sneaking a peak while you’re doing your business, it comes with an inconspicuous “privacy cloth” to conceal yourself with. It’s a great idea, since nobody gets suspicious when you spend two minutes wiping the same bit of your club grip at pelvis height. Also, where is the ladies’ version? Golf is no longer a single sex game, but why is there no fair representation in the novelty golf club industry? Everybody sell your stock on this one, because the National Organization for Women is going to be breaking down the doors there any second.

2. The Kooler Klub

How often have you been out golfing, but despaired at your inability to bring along your favorite beverages?

That beverage looks like blood.

The brilliant engineers at Club Champ understand you. They get that you need a cold drink to be at your athletic pinnacle, so they’ve disguised a drink dispenser as a golf club. Catching up on the last day of the season? Fill up the 48 ounce tank (spacious!) with coffee and stay toasty all eighteen holes. Stuck in the trap mid-August? Fill your cup with cold soda and select your lucky iron. At least this one won’t earn you as much social ridicule as the club you pee into. Remember, nothing makes golf better than heavy drinking.

3. Big Daddy Driver

Wow. What a remarkably unspecific name for anything. Allow me to elaborate for you. The Big Daddy Driver has a built-in weedwhacker so you can get a better lie. Sure, by all means, damage the course and ruin the peace for everyone else, just so your ball can sit a little better.

Arms dealers everywhere are after this thing.

Feel free. Seriously, it wouldn’t even make sense to have your driver out when your ball is sitting in the rough. Also, why do we want people that have just gotten drunk off of and urinated into golf clubs using them as garden tools? It’s just a bad combination. Look at the size of that hole! That could certainly screw up someone’s game. Have fun explaining it to a groundskeeper.

One Response to “Looks Like the Cat’s Out of the Bag … Along With All Those Novelty Golf Clubs”

  1. Heidi D'Acosta December 29, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    Charlie this is an amazing blog!!!!!! Long live snarky wit.

    Mrs. D

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