Nothing to See Here

27 Oct

(A reporter is out on the street doing a stand-up segment about a robbery that took place in a convenience store.)

REPORTER: Police are investigating a robbery that took place last night at this convenience store on Oak Street. The robber is described as a Caucasian male, 6’11’’,  wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and quote “unmistakably distinctive” glasses. The police have asked that anyone who sees the suspect immediately call the Crimestoppers hotline. They added that the man is described as “totally unmissable” and “supremely recognizable.” Local residents say they are shocked by what happened here.

(Cut to the reporter interviewing a man on the street. He is a 6’11”  Caucasian male wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and unmistakably distinctive glasses.)

REPORTER: You were there at the robbery last night?
MAN (panicked): What? What are you implying?
REPORTER: We just wanted your account of what happened here.
MAN (nervously): Oh. Oh. What makes you think I was here last night?
REPORTER: You told our producer you were.
MAN: Right, right. I was here. I said that and that is the story. That is definitely what happened. Thank you for the interview. (MAN begins to walk away.)
REPORTER: Wait, sir, you didn’t tell us anything yet.
MAN: Yeah, I was just in there and some stuff was robbed and it was totally crazy.
REPORTER: What do you mean, “totally crazy”?
MAN: Like, the whole thing was totally crazy. This is just a really nice neighborhood, I think. It looks like one. If I was going to rob something I’d probably rob this. But, I probably wouldn’t expect a robbery here? I live here, right?
REPORTER (quizzical): Sir, what did you say you witnessed at the robbery?
MAN: Oh, well, I mean there’s a lot of things that can drive a man to robbery. You know how hard it is to find work out there these days. Sometimes a guy just can’t catch a break. But the man doesn’t care. You ask for a little forgiveness, just a little more time, but the next day your water’s turned off and now you’ve got no place to shower. You have to walk around covered in dirt and sweat and then next thing you know everybody thinks you’re homeless. You try and try to say “No, I’m not homeless. I just don’t have running water at my place but I just paid the bill and they’re in the process of turning it back on as we speak.” But nobody wants to hear it and your landlord thinks some homeless guy is breaking into your apartment, and he changes the lock and calls the police. So now you’re trying and trying to get in your front door and the fuzz comes running from out from nowhere. Now, you haven’t done anything wrong but you start running and running because instinct just kicks in in a situation like that and you ran track in high school so you’re still pretty quick on your feet but it’s been a while since you actually got out there for a jog and a diet of instant ramen and pizza hasn’t been gentle on your stamina so you get kind of winded and all you want is a water so you pull into a convenience store and you try to pay for it but the attendant at the counter is apathetic and foreign and the language barrier is really hindering the transaction and all the while the cops are hot on your tail so you just grab the water and go and in hindsight stealing something is a terrible way to try and persuade the law of your innocence but you never know how you’re going to react in a situation like that and I’m not trying to tell you a sob story to try and get you to let me off easy because I’m guilty and I deserve whatever punishment you want to give me, but please, your honor, my story is completely truthful and I’m begging for your forgiveness. (MAN sobs.)
REPORTER: Sir, what are you trying to say?
MAN: (Sobbing intensifies.)
REPORTER: Well, this robbery is certainly taking a dramatic toll on the emotions of local residents. Until the police can locate the suspect they’re searching for, this community can only keep their eyes pealed and hope for the best. Back to you in the studio.

 

 

Local Mom Assuages Ebola Fears

12 Oct

In a moving conversation with her 4-year-old child, local woman Tina Brody has rallied a nation addled by fears of the ebola virus.

“You can’t get ebola as long as you wash your hands,” she told her son, Luke. “You have been washing your hands, haven’t you?”

Luke came prepared with a variety of incisive queries about the epidemic, which started in West Africa and has claimed more than 4000 lives. “But what if the ebola bites me while I’m sleeping?,” he asked.

Brody countered with her expert insight into epidemiology and disease transmission. “Do you know how small the ebola virus is?” she asked her child. “It’s more scared of us than we are of it.”

Some of Luke’s questions resonated deeply with concerned Americans, afflicted by the wave of ebola hysteria that is sweeping the nation. “Can Derek Jeter get ebola?” he asked.

“I’m not going to let Derek Jeter get ebola,” Tina answered. “And if Derek Jeter can’t get it, how can you, Lukie?”

Brody went on to skewer the news media’s coverage of the outbreak. “Where did you even find out about this, pumpkin?” Brody said. “You shouldn’t be watching the news.”

Tina even addressed the geopolitical nature of the issue, saying, “Do you remember that book we read about Africa? Right, where lions and elephants live. Well, people live very differently over there, sweetheart, and we’re very safe.”

Luke had one final question for his mother on the subject. “But, Mommy, what if the ebola virus begins to claim lives here on American soil due to systematic hubris and lax protocols?,” he said. “Will the Obama Administration and the CDC violate essential civil liberties in their effort to quarantine the outbreak?”

Brody’s answer, a soaring piece of rhetoric, will likely be the knockout punch in the fight against ebola fears. “As long as you stay healthy, you won’t get ebola,” she said. “So sneeze into your elbow and eat your vegetables. Now come give mommy a hug.”

 

 

 

12 Excuses We All Gave for Not Doing Our Homework

18 Sep

1. My dog ate my homework!

The classic. Where is this mysterious race of paper-eating dogs?

2. I didn’t have time. 

If only I could still say this one at work! LOL

3. It was too hard.

If I had a nickel for every time I said this, I wouldn’t know how much money I had because the math homework was always too hard.

4. My dad said he’d help me, but he was at work late.

In all honesty, not the first time Dad let me down.

5. Dad wasn’t even at home this morning to help me before school.

Where could he be?

6. He told my mom he was just getting a pack of cigarettes and some scratchers on his way home.

Mommy, where’s Daddy?

7. I’m not doing my homework until Dad comes back.

What do you mean he’s not coming back?

8. The sound of sobbing was too distracting.

Mommy, stop crying. You said it yourself. He’s gone.

9. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed this morning.

Please, Lord, take this weight off my shoulders.

10. My mommy couldn’t help me with the work, but she’s going back to school at night so she can.

My mommy can be just as good a daddy as that good-for-nothing oaf ever was!

11. I didn’t have time. I was too busy taking on the world, just my mother and I.

I’m going to college in a few years, and when I walk across the stage in my cap and gown, the infinite possibilities of my bright future laid out before me, my wild ambitions twinkling behind my eyes, I want my father to look at me and know that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away.

12. I did the homework, but I left it at home.

I’m serious! I really did it. Would I lie to you?

 

Several Celebrities Angered Over Exclusion from Nude Photo Leak

3 Sep

Amidst the uproar surrounding the release of nude photos of A-list stars, a number of celebrities have come out with statements regarding their exclusion from the controversy. Though public opinion has largely been against the illegal hacking of phones and the sharing of compromising personal images without permission, a few brave celebrities have dared to ask why they were left out of the fun.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

Steve Buscemi, an actor that you know as “that guy with the eyes”, called a press conference last week to give his opinion on the matter. “Did anyone ever stop to think that my naked photographs might be just as appealing as Kate Upton’s?,” he said. “I am very disappointed at the media’s refusal to embrace the inherent beauty of the male body. My male body.”

Other men have joined Buscemi’s fight for equality. Raspy-voiced actor Gilbert Gottfried dared the world to download and peruse his nude photographs in a recent interview with Martha Stewart magazine. “How do you know you’re not interested in my pictures? You haven’t even seen them yet!”, he said.

Buscemi suspects that his exclusion from the photo release was deliberate. “My nudie shots are just sitting there on my phone,” he said. “They’re on iCloud! How do you even miss them?”

Buscemi’s tone darkened when asked if he had anything to say directly to the hacker who refused to publish his nude photographs. “You are a cruel and hurtful person. Please do the right thing,” he said, looking directly into a news camera. “Go into my iCloud, find the hi-res photos of my physique, and share them with the world.”

Gottfried echoed Buscemi’s statement regarding the photographs. “Please publish them,” he begged.

At press time, Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, and Roseanne Barr could not be reached for comment.

 

The Top 10 Decades of the 20th Century

31 Aug

You’ll never believe which ones made the list!  We’ve ranked the 10 best decades from 1900 to 2000, in no particular order.

 

1. The 1930’s

Wow, the 1930’s. How can we summarize this glorious decade in just a short blurb? Honestly, we can’t. So let’s just move on.

 

2. The 1970’s

Disco, Nixon, and Star Wars. The 1970’s were certainly a decade. Definitely one of the 10 best of the previous century.

 

3. The 1950’s

From 1950 to 1959, lots of stuff happened. We’re not going to to go into detail, because you probably already know all about this fantastic decade.

 

4. The 1900’s

This decade was so early, it feels like it wasn’t even in the 20th century. But, it was. So the 1900’s easily crack the list.

 

5. The 1990’s

Such a phat 10 years.

 

6. The 1940’s

Yeah, it’s kind of a ballsy choice. But, in our point of view, the 1940’s are actually one of the 10 most underrated decades of the 20th century.

 

7. The 1960’s

We put a man on the moon. So we put the 1960’s on the list.

 

8. The 1980’s

Blah blah blah blah blah. We don’t believe you read this far, honestly.

 

9. The 1920’s

This decade doesn’t deserve to be here. It doesn’t. It got in on a technicality. Screw this decade.

 

10. We can’t think of another decade.

If we can’t remember it, it couldn’t have been that great. Sorry, whichever decade this is.

 

Leave your favorite decade from this century in the comments! Or don’t. We can’t force you.

 

French Prince of Bel-Air

5 Aug

In West Paris, born and raised.
In the coffee shop is where I spent most of my days
Writing sad poetry every single day
And smoking tiny cigarettes outside my lycée
When a couple of guys wearing tiny berets
Started making trouble near my chalet
I got in one little fight and my mom said no.
She said ‘You’re moving with your auntie and  your uncle in Bordeaux’.

I grew a tiny mustache that was pencil thin
and packed smelly cheeses inside of a tin.
I’m sure that I stunk like Pepé le Pew.
But who cares how I smell – what’s it to you?

I pulled up to the maison about 7 or 8.
It doesn’t matter when, because I’m generally late.
I said to myself, “C’est la vie, au contraire.”
Time to sit on my throne as the French Prince of Bel Air.

 

Three Blind Rats

16 Jul

SCENE: (A bunch of lab rats are seated in a meeting room. An important-looking rat (just go with it) is directing the group and reading off a clipboard. His nametag reads: Mr. Whiskers – Manager)

MR. WHISKERS: Alright, we just got some new jobs that we need to assign. Let’s see, we got a diabetes medication. Anyone feel like testing a diabetes medication?
OTHER RAT (from crowd): Sure, I’ll do it.
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for showing the initiative. That’ll make a great resume builder. This next one is a toughie. Who’s ready to contract ebola for the next 6 weeks?
(A young rat eagerly raises her  paw from the back row.)
MR. WHISKERS: Candance, we both know you’re not ready for this. This ebola project requires a rat with some experience.
(A salty, old rat raises a leg.)
MR. WHISKERS: Bruce, perfect. Hey, if you’re still alive after this one let me know how it goes. Alright, I’ve got  another really good opportunity here if you’re interested. Anybody want to get injected with a scorching case of herpes?
(Nobody volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS: Come on, guys. Jerry, didn’t you do the pubic lice study last year? You’re perfect for this.
(Jerry reluctantly and wordlessly consents.)
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks, Jerry. I’ve always seen you as a herpes kind of rat. Let’s see, next we got a new lipstick that needs to be rubbed in somebody’s eyes. Who’s going to step up?
(No rats volunteer.)
MR. WHISKERS: Somebody’s gotta do it, guys. Anybody want to get some brownie points?
(Room remains silent. Mr. Whiskers sighs, exasperated.)
MR. WHISKERS: I’ve been holding my tongue on this one for a while, but the lack of work ethic around here is really starting to chap my ass. Too bad ChapStick already tested their product so I can’t even get some of it for my own heinie.  Let me tell you, if you don’t want this cosmetic job, there are plenty of rabbits, guinea pigs, and monkeys that’ll happily take it instead.
(Room does not appear persuaded.)
MR. WHISKERS (tone more somber): Look, I know all of you wish you could be hanging out as some plucky seven-year-old’s pet, eating yourself to death and passing time until the little sucker comes to pick up your feces. But we can’t all have that. My brother, he really wanted that life. And you know where he is now? Snake food! So suck it up. I’d take this lipstick job if I could, but I’m currently assigned to an uppity little urologist whose “research” consists of neutering me into oblivion. (deep breath) I need one of you guys to pick up the slack on this one. Please.
(One of the rats volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS (more relaxed): Thank you very much. Lastly, we have your classic maze set-up. Do it right, you get a piece of cheese. Do it wrong, they’re gonna shock the bejeezus out of you. Anybody like to gamble?

The Lighter Side of the Moon Guide to College Essays

25 Jun

As school ends and summer begins, the cold shackles of academia are finally loosened as students are released into eight weeks of pure fun in the sun. Except for juniors. For the most industrious eleventh graders, summer means the time to start working on college essays in advance of application deadlines in the fall. As a service to you, the readers, I am happy to offer my advice on this process for the low, low price of absolutely free. Tips are always encouraged.

Picking a Topic

A great topic is the foundation for a great essay. Make sure to pick an experience that was of immense importance to you and is unique to your life. Did you suffer through a debilitating illness? Milk it. Have you endured a significant emotional trauma? That’s a goldmine. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have no such tragic experiences, I personally recommend writing about your own birth. You’d be hard pressed to find something that affected your life more than being born.

Openers

Everybody knows you have to kick off an essay with an exciting and inviting hook. You need to start your essay with something unique that gets your point across: Admit me. Consider using statistics like how many days you have been alive or the percentage of your soul you sold during this process. Some people have found success with the Merriam-Webster opener, in which you give the dictionary definition of important words like “admitted” or “college”. However, I would caution against using a quote from an important author or celebrity as it sends the message that you don’t have enough original ides of your own. Putting your own name on the quote is a really quick fix.

Writing the Essay 

Writing the college essay is actually quite simple once you sit down to do it. First, figure out what language you’re going to write in. If you write in something other than English, odds are nobody will be able to read it. But if your essay sucks, this may not be the worst thing. Next, write down some nouns. Almost every college essay has nouns in it and those in the know will tell you that an essay without nouns is very rarely successful. But, you won’t get by on just nouns alone. If you really want a standout piece of writing, toss in some adjectives. But don’t go overboard with the words. Many students often try to include verbs in their essays, but that’s a very risky move as verbs are one of the most challenging types of words. Sprinkle some punctuation throughout all of these other words, and you’ve got a great essay.

Fonts

The font you choose is probably more important than whatever you write. Think about the best books ever written and their typefaces. Huckleberry Finn?  That’s Times New Roman. To Kill a Mockingbird? Times New Roman. The Bible?  Times New Roman probably. If that’s not a great tip, I don’t know what is.

Phrases to Avoid

There are some words and phrases that, no matter what, you shouldn’t use in your essay. Here’s some examples:

  • I’m not racist, but…
  • I don’t really believe in college.
  • I’m not a huge fan of diversity on campus
  • My haters are my motivators.
  • ;-)
  • I hope your college has a white rights club.
  • Ask not what your college can teach me, but what I can teach you.
  • My best feature is my body.

Example

I’ve suffered a lot in my life. My dog has canine diabetes. My dad is not very smart. I have mild night terrors. The moral of the story is this: Admit me. I remember my own birth very vividly. In many ways, birth is a lot like learning. It’s a long, dark road that leads to a bright end. Your mom is hopefully there to support you the whole way. There are well-educated people whose job it is to help you through the process. In fact, just by being born, I’ve already learned everything there is to know.

Here are some nouns that describe me: Excellence. Science. Skills.

Here are some adjectives: Superb. Academic. Skilled.

Here’s a verb and some punctuation: Succeed..,*//

If I could, I would make this essay in Times New Roman. I’m not racist, but it’s a great font.

 

Brave New World Cup

12 Jun

As the World Cup kicked off today in Brazil, EA announced their new corresponding videogame, FIFA World Cup 2014. Gamers everywhere have been eagerly awaiting the release, in large part due to a bevy of new features. Some of the most anticipated include:

Realistic Sound Effects: What’s that roar? Is that the fans cheering you on? No, it’s a massive throng of protestors right outside the stadium! With advanced digital technology, this game produces the most accurate rubber bullet-on-flesh sound ever.

Possum Mode: This highly requested feature lets the user flop all over the pitch, just like their favorite football star! Just a few button taps and you’ll be on the ground, rolling and writhing like there’s no tomorrow. You can play dead on a slide tackle, a rough hit, or even just because someone looked at you funny.

New Weather SettingsIn FIFA World Cup 2014, you can choose between sunny, cloudy, rainy, or a light hail that’s actually shoddy concrete falling on your head.

Advanced Coaching: Coaching your team just got even more realistic. You can do more than just sub players or design plays. If your team’s down for the count, just call over a referee and organize a bribe. Wait, can we write that on here? Eh, everyone already knows it’s happening.

Improved Fan Noise: We’ve done away with the muffled rumble of previous games. Now, you can hear 80,000 people screaming racist chants crystal clear! Every epithet will come through with such unparalleled definition, you’ll feel like a banana hit you in the head.

Seven Instagram Hashtags that Haven’t Taken Off Yet

9 Jun

#SatanSunday

#MasochismMonday

#Type2Tuesday

#WetTheBedWednesday

#TesticularTorsionThursday

#FecesFriday

#SalmonellaSaturday

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,180 other followers

%d bloggers like this: