The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Get to Say

19 Jun

Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

Teens Caught With Delicious Craft Brews in Traffic Stop

30 Apr

“Teens caught with cheap beer in Jeep

…An officer saw a vehicle matching that descriptionand pulled it over, according to a police spokesman. There were four youths in the vehicle, all male and all 16. Although none of them appeared intoxicated, the spokesman said, ‘the officer spotted in plain view a case of Keystone Light beer.'”

– New Canaan Advertiser

Four teens were issued infractions for possession of alcohol by a minor Saturday night, after a police officer pulled their vehicle over and noticed several locally-produced, artisan craft beers inside.

According to police reports, an officer noticed a black Jeep speeding on Main Avenue at 9:30 pm. After pulling the vehicle over, the officer noticed a considerable quantity of delicious small-batch, handmade, seasonal brews.

A further inspection of the vehicle revealed “2 six packs of Bad Monkey’s stellar new summer shandy, 3 bottles of a lovely lemon honey ale, a VSOP armagnac, and a nice Sonoma County burgundy, one of Wine Spectator’s 20 Top Budget Burgundies,” according to the same police report.

Sipping the evidence from a Belgian skein, Lieutenant Peter Moss commented on the bust. “These boys knew exactly what they were doing when they acquired these incredible craft brews,” Moss said, wiping a bit of foam from his upper lip. “Their biggest crime was probably keeping these fantastic beverages in a room-temperature car.”

Lieutenant Moss believes this bust is symbolic of a larger issue. “Kids today are drinking more and drinking better,” he said. “We show up to parties and find tons of incredible local brews. Nice tight carbonation, a one inch frothy head, fruity and hoppy varieties. This is what we’re up against.”

The officer also discovered precise scales and powerful butane torches in the vehicle. “The boys were intending to cook a nice saffron paella,” Moss said.

Lieutenant Moss sees underage consumption of tasty, refreshing craft brews, and all alcohol for that matter, as an important issue. “We need to teach kids that drinking is dangerous, whether you’re consuming the watery garbage that is cheap light beer, or the crown jewel of refreshment that is the craft brew,” Moss said. “At the end of the day, we need to take action as a community.”

6 Adorable Corgis Who Are Doing Absolutely Nothing To Solve The Humanitarian Crisis In Syria

21 Apr
  1. cute_corgi_puppy-2
    Look at this adorable corgi. He’s got one ear up and one ear down – it just might be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen! Too bad this dog isn’t doing anything to address the growing humanitarian crisis in war-torn Syria, where innocent civilians are being murdered by their own government.
  2. images-4
    What a sweet little pup. Those soulful eyes remind me of those of Syrian refugee children. But, whereas this selfish corgi is sad about not getting any dinner, the kids are sad about losing their childhood to a brutal civil war that has lasted 4 years and seems to have no end in sight. But do you think this callous pooch gives a hoot? No, he’d much rather sit pretty for the camera than offer help to the more than 7.2 million internally displaced people in urgent need of help.
  3. corgi-puppy
    Whoa, corgi butts! What a pleasant surprise! But is it still pleasant when you remember that more than 220,000 people have died in this conflict? This disrespectful dog cares more about his glutes than the rapid growth of ISIS and other extremist groups. How cute.
  4. BO1V7GuCYAA8MMI
    This silly corgi got into the dishwasher! He doesn’t belong there, just like how Bashar al-Assad doesn’t belong in the homes of everyday civilians, wielding chemical weapons and instruments of torture. Hey Corgi, did you know that? Probably not, because you’re too busy pooping on plates to do anything nice for someone else.
  5. 208632-dogs-adorable-corgi-puppies-running-ddddd
    BONUS. CORGIS. I promised you six, but it looks like you’re getting eight. That’s a lot like how the 4 million refugees are told they will be exposed to zero diseases in the camps, but are actually exposed to at least 8. These immature, sleazy, soulless corgis could do something to help Syrians suffering from dysentery, malaria, and cholera. But something tells me they’ll just keep running around with their tongues out. Shame on them.
  6. enhanced-buzz-23027-1380121492-13
    Ha. Ha. Ha. What a silly dog. He’s taking a selfie in front of a cherry blossom tree. You think you’re so cute, you filthy animal. BUT PEOPLE ARE DYING. AN ENTIRE COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED. And all you care about is being the most popular pet on Instagram. You are going to Hell for this. May the Lord have mercy on your soul.

Which Hors D’Oeuvre Are You?

23 Mar

You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t racked by a nagging sensation that you’re an appetizer. But which bite-sized bundle of flavor are you? Take this quiz to find out!

1. Which of these outfits sounds most like something you would wear?

a. A t-shirt with a picture of a crostino on it.
b. A t-shirt with a picture of bruschetta on it.
c. A t-shirt with a picture of rumaki on it.
d. A single deviled egg on your head with no other clothing.

2. Your friends would describe you as…

a. Crisp and dry, like crostini.
b. Warm and juicy, like bruschetta.
c. Heavy and outdated, like rumaki.
d. Devilish and eggy, like a deviled egg.

3. Which of these sounds most like you at a party?

a. Standing in the corner, nursing a crostino.
b. Chatting with a group of bruschettas in the living room.
c. On the dancefloor, busting a move with a rumaki.
d. Standing on the kitchen table, yelling “Look at me! Look at me! I’m a deviled egg!”

4. Your favorite color is…

a. Crostini khaki.
b. Bruschetta carmine.
c. Rumaki umber.
d. Deviled egg.

5. Which of these famous quotes is your favorite?

a. “You must be the crostini you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Ghandi
b. “Bruschetta to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – St. Augustine
c. “Rumaki is more important than knowledge.” – Albert Einstein
d. “I have a dream.” – Deviled Egg

6. Pick your favorite pop culture reference.

a. Crustyni the Clown from The Simpsons
b. Bruschetta James
c. Kangaroomaki Jack
d. The Deviled Wears Prada Egg

7. You’re at an elegant cocktail party. Tuxedoed waiters circle the room bearing silver trays, laden with hors d’oeuvres. Your mouth is watering. Your spine is tingling. The waiter approaches you deliberately, as though following a cosmic arc. He eyes you with great passion. You attempt to make a selection, but your brain is pulled in four separate directions, like the limbs of a Mongol prisoner-of-war attached to stampeding stallions. A crostino, a bruschetta, a rumaki, and a deviled egg dance above you like nymphs, whispering their seductive invitations into your ear. Nervously, you extend your hand toward the platter. Your mind’s defenses penetrated and your resolve weakened, you succumb to the temptations of which hors d’oeurves:

a. Pigs in a Blanket
b. Samosa
c. Crudités
d. Gravlax

If you answered mostly A, you’re enjoying a crostino! Crispety crunch! Crackle crack! You’re eating crostini, better than zucchini, linguine, or a miniature weenie!

If you answered mostly B, you’re indiscriminately eating any hors d’oeuvres you can get your hands on because you skipped lunch and you thought the hosts would serve dinner early. Well sucks for you, because you thought wrong.

If you answered mostly C, a waiter tripped and dumped a plate of rumaki all over you. You are so thoroughly covered, it’s hard to tell where the hors d’oeuvres end and your body begins. You are become rumaki, destroyer of worlds.

If you answered mostly D, you are a deviled egg.

A Word From Our Sponsors

21 Feb

Hi readers! I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post is going to contain no comedy. Instead, I’m handing the website over to my beloved father who is going to share a valuable investment opportunity with you. Read on for a chance to become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Dear Readers of My Son’s Joke Website,

I’m excited to contact you today about a once-in-a-lifetime financial opportunity you can’t afford to miss.

Have you ever been dining in a Swiss-French restaurant and thought to yourself: “I wish this could be more convenient?” Do you know that feeling where you’re chowing down on some fondue or raclette and you think, “This is lovely, but I wish it didn’t take so long?” Well, here is your chance to get involved on the ground level of a fast food revolution. Introducing: Drive-Thru Fondue ®.

You might have thought that the only food that belongs in fast food is hamburgers and fries. But I’m here to tell you that the cauldrons of scalding oil, wheels of gooey cheese, and large quantities of raw meat and shellfish that characterize Alpen cuisine can have a place in your vehicle.

The premise is simple at Drive-Thru Fondue ®: approach the window, receive your order, and drive off with raw beef, shrimp, and scallops impaled on pointy forks and simmering in a steamy vat of boiling liquid. It’s just that easy.

The menu for Drive-Thru Fondue ® is constantly being improved, but it is built on a few core dishes. For appetizers, you have the classics. Raclette cheese, aged for over 180 days in a cave at every Drive-Thru Fondue ® franchise, is served with a disposable heat lamp to put on your dashboard. Keep the cheese warm and carve yourself some slices at stoplights. Cheese fondue is also a big mover. Our proprietary blend contains three gourmet cheeses and is served in a styrofoam container perfectly sized for your automotive cupholder. Avoid speed bumps, or the artisan French bread and decadent miniature vegetables might just fly out and cover your leather upholstery in molten Appenzeller. It is always fun when you find that rogue cornichon or pearl onion hidden underneath your seats, though…

For your entreé, indulge with Drive-Thru Fondue ®’s signature dish: Fondue Royale. With ample amounts of raw filet mignon and luxurious seafood, this affordable meal is sure to satisfy during your evening commute. Our simmering oil is a custom blend of 16 oils, 57 spices, and a tiny bit of witchcraft. When was the last time your dinner was exhilarating? Well, when our delicious recipe comes flying at your face and neck when you hit a pothole, you’ll know what it means to dine adventurously.

We at Drive-Thru Fondue ® are completely against distracted driving of all kinds. But, we are committed to food and road safety for our customers. Our ingredients are presented raw, which means they come laden with salmonella, E. Coli, tapeworms and other unseen assassins. While driving, avert your eyes from the road for a few moments to check that your food has been thoroughly heated. Additionally, be sure to completely sanitize all of your vehicle’s interior surfaces after handling all Drive-Thru Fondue ® fare.

Our first location is a huge hit in the local community and our grub is getting rave reviews every day. We were recently awarded four out of five forks by Fondue Fancy magazine, a leading industry publication. Furthermore, we were rated as “Adequate” by the local health department. Additionally, we are legally obligated to inform you of our “Abysmal and Life-Treatening” designation by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

Drive-Thru Fondue ® is ready to take the leap into the next level of fast food. We are looking for brand sponsors, franchisees, loose-moralled insurance executives and adept liability lawyers to be a part of the Drive-Thru Fondue ® family.

So join us. Open your wallets and come along for the ride. If you’re a hungry entrepreneur or simply a loyal patron of the fondue community, this is a can’t-miss opportunity to be a part of something big. It may seem like every big fast food chain is putting fondue on their menus these days. But remember:

At Drive-Thru Fondue ®, we fon-do it better.

Sincerely,

Heinz Sosnick
Restauranteur and Fondue Tycoon
Drive-Thru Fondue International

 

 

 

Doctors Hate This: The ONE Weird Diet Trick You Can’t Afford to Miss

4 Feb

You. Yes, you. Are you looking to change your life? Is the food you’re eating keeping you healthy, spry, and full of vigor? But are you having fun? Are you looking to poison your body and mind with the food you eat, but have a great time while doing it? Then we have a diet for you.

Introducing the gluten-only diet. Carbs and starches 24/7. We’re talking artisan breads, luxurious pastas, and luxurious artisan breads. If that sounds delicious and uncomfortable, you’re right. Let’s walk you through it.

Breakfast, that’s easy. Two Pop-tarts, straight out of the microwave. But remember, this is the gluten only diet. Go ahead and scrape off that strawberry frosting. Siphon out the jelly filling with a syringe or small vacuum . Feel good yet?

For lunch, head on over to the altar of gluten, the cathedral of carbohydrates, Panera Breads. Grab yourself some clam chowder in a breadbowl. Then dump the clam chowder in a trashcan. Order a second empty breadbowl. Savor it. Enjoy yourself.

If you’re hungry, the gluten-only movement offers many great snack choices. Couscous, spätzle, matzoh. If you’re thirsty, have a beer or some soda, boiled down to just the syrup. Your mouth should feel dry and starchy, if you’re doing it right.

Dinner is the easiest meal of the day. Four words: Olive Garden unlimited breadsticks.

If you’re appetized by now, that’s normal. But know that the gluten-only movement isn’t all peaches and cream. In fact, peaches and cream are completely forbidden. You may gain 30 pounds in a week. You may go months without a bowel movement. Your body may be as doughy as the foods you’re eating.

This diet will test your willpower. A waiter might say “Do you want a side salad with that plain pasta?” to which you’ll reply: “No. I only eat gluten.” Your body will scream for a single baby carrot. Your belly will beg for roughage. But you can’t spell gluten-only without willpower.

Support is the bread and butter of any successful diet. With us, it’s just the bread. Our official gluten-only community, Flour Power, will be there for you every step of the way. Share wheat-based recipes, debate the pros and cons of spaghetti and linguine, and find solace in the company of others who eschew the devil of gluten from their lives.

Only gluten. Only happiness. www.breadheads.com

QUIZ: Hey, How Are You?

3 Jan

Hey! Hey, you! I haven’t seen you in years! You look good. How are you? Take this quiz to find out!

 

1. Fancy meeting you here! What’s up, man?

a. Oh, hey! Peter, right?
b. What’s up, dude. Ralph? From accounting?
c. How are you? You’re Joey from the bowling league?
d. Hi, Gunther. It’s Gunther, right? From the planning and zoning committee?

2. No, it’s Kenneth. You remember me. We were neighbors growing up back in Seattle.

a. Oh, Kenneth. Long time no see.
b. From Oak Ridge Lane? What are you doing here?
c. Yoo, Special K! Are you still skateboarding?
d. I think you have the wrong guy.

3. How’s Patricia?

a. She’s good. Really good.
b. Wonderful. She’s thinking of going back to work.
c. Eh, she’s been better. Her plantar fascitis is giving her trouble again.
d. Who?

4. And the kids? Robbie’s bar mitzvah is coming up, right?

a. Yeah, next month. How’d you remember that?
b. No, Robbie’s my youngest. Lauren’s bat mitzvah is soon, though.
c. Yeah, it would be coming up, but we’re not Jewish.
d. I have no children.

5. What are you doing in Fort Lauderdale? I never would have imagined you as the type.

a. Patricia’s family is from around here. We moved here when the kids were little.
b. Oh, we’re just on vacation. Robbie and Lauren love the beach.
c. I’m here on business. I’m working on setting up a South Florida division.
d. Excuse me. I have to go.

6. You know who I just saw, actually? Tony. Remember him from the neighborhood?

a. Oh, Tony. That’s cool.
b. Fat Tony or skinny Tony?
c. Is he out of jail now?
d. Goodbye.

7. I’m going to be around all week. We should grab drinks.

a. Here’s my card. Text me.
b. I’ll try, but I’m busy with the family. I can’t promise you anything.
c. I know a great pizza joint if you like that kind of thing.
d. (You have already walked away.)

If you answered mostly a’s: You’re great. The kids are getting older but everyone’s doing great. Great to see you, man. Give my best to your parents.

If you answered mostly b’s: Things are decent. Patricia’s doing fine, but you feel like your kids are distant. You’re fat now.

If you answered mostly c’s: Nice job hiding it, but things are awful. Patricia’s moving in with her personal trainer, Lauren got a tattoo, and Robbie is in trouble at school. You’re fat now.

If you answered mostly d’s: You don’t know this person. But, things are going pretty well for you nonetheless. Your start-up is growing and you’re thinking of proposing to your girlfriend. Congratulations!

2014 Was the Year of the Butt and Some Other Things, Too

17 Dec

2014. What a wild and crazy time it’s been. This amazing year was filled with amazing people doing amazing things. There were wars, disasters, and miracles. And holy mackerel, there were a lot of great butts.

In February, the ebola outbreak tore its way across West Africa. This horrific disease shocked the world and united us in fear. But we forgot all about that as soon as Nicki Minaj dropped the “Anaconda” video and we were consumed with images of beautiful, buttery bumcakes. What a year.

Two Malaysian flights ended in disaster this year. We’ll remember hearing about all those lives lost on the television. Each and every one of us realized that could have been us. But we could all have been Beyonce’s butt, too. And when we saw that bodacious booty at the VMAs, this year was positively bun-tastic. Big, badass bottoms were truly the stars of 2014.

Additionally, we saw lots of war and conflict this year. From Crimea, to Syria, to Iraq, it seems like we just couldn’t find peace. Despite all our prayers, people were losing their lives to violence all over the world in 2014. And then our prayers were answered, as Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her regal rump. This bouncy, boisterous, buxom backside was the delightful derriere we all needed this year.

Malala Yousafazai captured our hearts when she became the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Who wasn’t inspired by her bravery in standing up to the Taliban? This more than made up for her rather unspectacular tush, which pales in comparison to the hefty heinies in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Good golly, those gigantic glutes and beefy badonkadonks were the best thing to happen in 2014.

So goodbye, 2014. With so many ups and downs, highs and lows, joys and sorrows, this was truly a year to remember. But the fantastic fundaments, terrific tushies, and portly posteriors of 2014 were truly unforgettable.

SEE ALSO: Will 2015 be the year we finally tackle climate change or are hips going to make a comeback?

QUIZ: Does This Look Infected To You?

1 Dec

I cut my finger making risotto last week. Does the cut look infected? Take this quiz to help me find out!

l

1. Hey, does this look infected to you?

a. Maybe.
b. Sort of, yeah.
c. I wouldn’t know.
d. Gross, dude.

2. Should I see a doctor?

a. I would see a doctor, yeah.
b. Does it hurt? If it hurts, I would.
c. How long has it been there?
d. Probably, man.

3. It’s disgusting, I know.

a. Sure is.
b. Totally disgusting.
c. Really nasty.
d. Put that away, dude.

4. Want to see it ooze puss?

a. Certainly not.
b. Nope.
c. That’s vile.
d. Sure, bro.

5. Do you know what the symptoms of an infection are?

a. Google it.
b. Check the internet.
c. Look it up on the web.
d. Dude, have you heard of WebMD?

6. Ok. This website says to watch out for an irregular shape. Is my wound irregularly shaped?

a. Hmm, maybe.
b. It’s not regularly shaped, that’s for sure.
c. Is oval a regular shape?
d. I don’t know, man. Ask your mom or something.

7. What about discoloration? Do I have that?

a. It’s yellow. I don’t know if that means anything, but it’s yellow.
b. It looks like a scab. I don’t know what to tell you.
c. You should get a professional to look at it.
d. Dude, stop.

8. I think I’m going to make an appointment with a dermatologist.

a. Smart thinking.
b. Good choice.
c. My cousin’s a dermatologist. He’s normally booked solid for months, but he’ll free up some time for you.
d. Alright, bro.

9. Thanks for all your help!

a. Don’t mention it.
b. You’re welcome.
c. I’ll call my cousin and let him know you’re coming.
d. No problemo.

 

 

 

The Cheesemaker’s Daughter

11 Nov

Note: Over the past three days, I have been publishing excerpts from my upcoming romance novels. Each of these stories is set in a different exotic locale and features themes of romance, love, passion, lust, and amorousness. You can find them in a supermarket or airport book store near you.

Young love is something different to everyone. For some, it’s a dank cave full of ricotta. For others, it’s a rank Roquefort on your Weihnachtstag table. Maybe, young love for you is unpasteurized goat’s milk on your lederhosen. For me, love is a Bavarian milkmaid with cassein in her hair.

Greta was the kind of girl who knew her way around an udder. I first chanced upon her in the lush meadows of the low Alps. My father’s prized steer, Günther, had just bolted from the corral. We were in the kitchen, making spatzel, when we first heard his cowbell dinging down into the valley. I rushed to sound my alpenhorn, but Günther was a stubborn beast. Strong in the grain fields, but stubborn as an ass. Begrudgingly, I put on my galoshes and headed out onto the steppe.

Hoping that a fellow dairyman might have recognized our signature brand on Günther’s fleshy undercarriage, I stopped in at a ramshackle old barn. I yodeled loudly to announce my presence. The old building was made of rotting mountain spruce and sized for a baker’s dozen cows. Seeing a light on in the building, and enticed by the smell of fresh milk, I walked toward the door. A Heifer mooed inside, above the sound of squirting udders. As I leaned my head around the doorframe, I laid eyes upon the most beautiful farmhand I’d ever seen in my years as a cheesemonger.

Her hair glistened under a single antiquated lightbulb like Appenzeller in the sun. Her frame was stocky, plump, and hardy, like the most popular goat at the auction haus. Her skin shone due to frequent and plentiful lactose consumption. Her calloused and graceful hands slid effortlessly over the pink udders of the tired, old cow. Her hazel eyes glimpsed me in the doorway, but with her so focused on the milking and me so content to watch her flawless technique, we remained in a tense silence.

However, I could sense that this aged cow was feeling ornery. The cow began to flare her nostrils and stamp her hooves, wriggling her udders to prevent the girl from gaining a grip. The conflict escalated, with the milkmaid tightening her grip and the cow writhing more and more, until the object of my affection threw her arms up in exasperation. The cow lurched, kicking the bucket and sending milk across the barn floor. As the spill drained through the floorboards, I announced my presence.

“Guten tag, I am searching for a lost steer,” I stareted. My voice trembled with each word. “I have known him since Kindergarten and he disappeared like a poltergeist. He is a döppelganger to that bull there, and I implore you not to find schadenfreude in my misfortune. Is it not the zeitgeist to help a fellow milkman?”

She replied sweetly, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your cow. I would love to help you find him, but I need to get this cow milked.”

She told me her name was Greta and that her father owned this farm. She said that if she didn’t collect enough milk tonight, her father would not allow her to go off and be a nanny for the seven mischievous children of an Austrian navy captain. Taking her hand in mine, I felt the signature abrasions of a forceful milker. I slid behind Greta on her milking stool, wrapped my arms around hers, and whispered, “Mein strudel, allow me.”

 

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