Prophet Elijah Receives DUI due to Mother’s Negligence

16 Apr

The Jewish prophet Elijah was arrested and charged with a D.U.I. last night while traveling between homes for the festival of Passover.

As is customary, Elijah traveled to every single Jewish household in the world last night, drinking a cup of wine in each to mark the historical significance of the festival.

It was on a sidestreet in Short Hills, New Jersey that a State Trooper noticed Elijah speeding and pulled him over. A breathalyzer test and verbal confession confirmed Elijah had consumed 85,698 glasses of Manischewitz wine before getting behind the wheel.

Short Hills mother Franny Gutstein blames herself for last night’s incident. “I really should have called him a cab,”  she said.

Elijah’s last home visit before being arrested was at the Gutstein residence. “He came in, he drank the glass of wine, and he got up to go,” Ms. Gutstein said. “He seemed a little tipsy so I offered him to sit down and try some of my famous matzah farfel stuffing but he insisted on leaving.”

Short Hills Police Chief Mike Carlisle was thankful for the arrest. “Every year, Elijah is so reckless,” Mr. Carlisle said. “He’s damn lucky he didn’t wrap his flaming chariot around a telephone pole.”

In response to this incident, concern is mounting for the safety of the Easter Bunny ahead of the holiday this Sunday. Some experts are concerned all those chocolate eggs may finally put Mr. Bunny into diabetic shock this year.

CollegeBored

14 Apr

With the College Board enacting sweeping changes to the SAT next year, parents and educators are worried. Though none were actually asked for their opinions on the matter, we’re pretty sure students are concerned as well. In response to this vocal blowback and out of genuine concern for student welfare and achievement, the Collegeboard has instituted a new practice exam: the PSAT, or Post-natal SAT.

Studies have shown that factors such as college readiness, eventual salary, and life fulfillment can be predicted almost immediately after a baby exits the womb. The PSAT holistically evaluates your 8-pound-bundle-of-joy’s scholastic ability in reading, writing, and math. With our rapid scoring system, you will get your infant’s scores in just two weeks, allowing them to start preparing for a second attempt almost immediately. Your baby will get an early taste of their future schooling life as their already sleepless nights are filled with rigorous test prep.

We at the College Board know that being thrust from a warm cocoon of innocence into the chaos of the world can be stressful in students, so we will be offering a wide variety of review materials for your fetus. In cooperation with Little Einsteins, we will be selling audio study materials for the PSAT, which you can pipe into your uterus at high volumes. Did you feel that kick? Looks like your little one just learned something new.

Of course, the College Board has gone to great lengths to make sure the PSAT scoring is fair. If your baby tries to stick a pen in its mouth during the writing section, he’s performing better than most of his peers, meaning a score in the high 700s. If your infant looks at a math problem, craps itself, and cries, he’s approaching math like many college students do! You’ve done a great job parenting this kid for the last five minutes.

To register for the Post-natal SAT, visit kollegeboard4kids.com. For help evaluating your parenting style and priorities, seek psychiatric or religious counsel.

 

 

Kim Jong Un by Paul Mitchell

27 Mar

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader Kim Jong-un, it is reported. – BBC

When I first read this story, I was shocked. I wasn’t so surprised at the latest in a long line of tyrannical stunts from a clearly unstable leader. More surprisingly, North Korea has a university! As a junior in high school, applying to college is foremost on my mind. Eager to find out more about the University of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea at Gleaming Worker’s Paradise of Pyongyang (“State” for short), I did a little digging. Here is what I found:

They have a fight song:

In the world’s cleanest city,
in the world’s most prosperous country,
underneath our glorious leader,
we are not going hungry.

Over the corpses of enemy imperialists,
we march toward victory – yeah!
All of our internal struggles are classist.
We are the best Korea!

So it’s fight, fight, fight,
hail to the DPRK!
We’ll sing as we work in the salt and sulfur mines
for twenty hours a day!

Hip, hip, hooray,
sing this victory hymn!
We pledge our eternal loyalty
to three fat men named Kim!

Their president writes a monthly newsletter:

Dear Students and Faculty of UDPRKGWPP,

March has been a busy month here at State. Spring has finally arrived; the birds cheerfully sing songs of the everyman, the squirrels once again go out to steal acorns from the American vermin, and the industrial smokestacks belch out a thick smog over fragrant, blossoming trees. Truly a sight to behold.

I trust the male scholars of the university are abiding by our Glorious Leader’s Glorious Decree on hairstyling. As you all know, male students must now wear their hair in the fashion made famous by our Eternal Father. On an unrelated note, it is with sadness that I announce the mysterious disappearance of 30 long-haired but otherwise unrelated young men. There will be no memorial service.

Our comrades in the Science Department recently announced great gains in the development of atomic missiles for our nation. They have finished gluing the device together and need only to staple on the fins before launching it at our cowering enemies.

The Working Women Students Union recently hosted a forum on female sexuality on campus. Though the university will refrain from commenting on this matter, I would like to remind students that the Health and Wellness Center offers resources to help you stay safe. Pumping out hardy, genetically-pure laborers may sound fun now, but the State has designated you to be scholars, not parents.

Finally, the university would like to extend our gratitude to alumnus Wei Teu Thin ’74, who donated his entire rice harvest to the construction of a new monument to our Leader.

Go State!

Kim Jong Un
President of Everything

Fun Facts:

Colors: American Soldier’s Blood Red and Western Coward Yellow
Mascot: Terry the Proletariat
Founded in: 1954
Founded upon: the graves of those who threatened us
Rival: University of Hamhung
Arch-Rival: American University
Arch-arch-rival: Capitalism.

 

All in the Family

24 Mar

(TV commercial for Ancestry.com. Different kinds of people stand and talk about their discoveries: a chipper lady named Christina, a man named Michael, and a guy named Pete. Their names are printed on the screen while they speak.)

CHRISTINA: I went on Ancestry.com to learn more about more about my heritage.
MICHAEL: I wanted to discover stories about my ancestors.
PETE: Who wouldn’t want to know more about their history?

CHRISTINA: So, I did a little digging, and what I find out was amazing.
MICHAEL: You’ll never guess what I found out on Ancestry.com
PETE: What I found … surprised me.

CHRISTINA: Turns out, my great-great-grandmother was a Suffragette!
MICHAEL: My grandfather played stickball with Jackie Robinson!
PETE: I’m pretty sure my grandmother was a hooker.

CHRISTINA: She marched with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. How great is that?
MICHAEL: Jackie Robinson took my grandpa into the Dodgers clubhouse and introduced him to the whole team!
PETE: Her husband sold recalled toys and illegal fireworks to children. He was blamed for four maimings.

CHRISTINA: It’s just such an inspiration. I’m going to dedicate myself to fighting for women’s rights.
MICHAEL: I’m a huge baseball fan. I can’t wait to tell this story to all my buddies at the game.
PETE: I’m pretty sure they were Nazi sympathizers. Like, really sympathetic.

CHRISTINA: I never would have learned this if I hadn’t signed up. Thank you, Ancestry.com.
MICHAEL: I’m so happy to have learned this story. Thanks Ancestry.com.
PETE: Um, thanks Ancestry.com?

 

A Coming of Age Story

19 Mar

Scene: A bar mitzvah. Mood is joyous; everyone excited to see little Joshua becoming a man.

EMCEE: Ok, everybody! Let’s get everyone out on the dance floor, because it’s time for the hora!
(Crowd begins to form on dancefloor. Relatives start to dance to Hava Negila. Non-Jewish guests stand around confused.)
EMCEE: Keep on dancing, but let’s get four strong men to the middle of the circle and lift Josh up!
(Four family members gather around a chair in the center. Josh is lifted, feigns happiness, secretly very scared.)
EMCEE: And now let’s get Mom out here! Debbie, come on out!
(Debbie is pushed toward center and sits in chair. The four strong men have disappeared.)
EMCEE: Alright, let’s lift her up – wait, where’d my lifters go? Let’s get four strong guys back out her! Hey, maybe five or six strong guys! Nobody? Really? It’s her son’s bar mitzvah, let’s help her celebrate! Uncles, cousins, family friends, get on out here and lift Debbie up! You’re her closest relatives, you really should do this. You supported Debbie through the weight gain, you should support her in a chair. What about the dancers? You guys are my employees. If you don’t get out here and lift this lady up, you’re fired! You’d rather be fired? That is surprising, to say the least. Hey, caterer! Some of you people looked strong. They won’t do it either? Josh’s friends! Some of you looked pretty developed! Get out here and lift your friend’s mom in a chair!
(Party-goers start to slow down their hora.)
EMCEE: Keep dancing, everybody! We’re going to get Debbie up in the air, I promise! Uh, what about the bouncers? Ernesto, Sergey – do me a big favor and come lift this nice lady up! Please, fellas, this is my paycheck.
(Emcee pulls an iPod Shuffle out of his pocket.)
EMCEE: I was saving this for whoever won Coke and Pepsi, but you made me do this, guys! First person to come out here and volunteer will get an iPod Shuffle. Please. Fifty dollar cash value! This is sad. You should all be ashamed.
(Hava Nagila ends. Crowd stops dancing.)
EMCEE: DJ, turn that song back on! Put it on repeat! We will not be moving on with this party until Debbie is hoisted in the air. In fifteen years of entertaining with Perfect Memories Events, every bar mitzvah mom has been lifted, and I do not plan on ending that streak today.
(Waitresses start bringing around platters of food.)
EMCEE: Yo! Cool it with the passed hors d’oeuvres! Nobody eats a pig in a blanket until Debbie gets lifted. Hey, Josh’s grandma – we all saw you take that mini egg roll, now put it back.
(Hava Negila ends a second time. Guests have largely left the dancefloor.)
EMCEE: Hey, Debbie, I’m really sorry. (brief pause) Kids, back on the floor for some Coke and Pepsi! We got an iPod Shuffle up for grabs!

Right On

2 Mar

(A girl is driving a car with her friend in the passenger seat. The passenger is giving directions. They approach an intersection.)

DRIVER: Left up here?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Oh, right.
PASSENGER: Left…
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right, right.
PASSENGER: Left!
DRIVER: Left, right?
PASSENGER: Right, left.
DRIVER: Right.
PASSENGER: Left! LEFT LEFT LEFT!
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Alright?
DRIVER: All left.

 

Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

Thank You for Flying With Us

23 Feb

(Passengers board a large plane. Some of the most striking characters include a grossly obese and sweaty gentleman (Preston), a very elderly woman (Eustice) and her grown daughter (Carla), and a lady (Gloria) with her dog in the seat next to her. An airline representative boards the plane and picks up the microphone.)

AIRLINE REP: Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, it appears we have over-booked today’s flight by just one customer and we would like to offer a fantastic deal to one lucky volunteer today. If you would like to wait just two hours we can put you on a plane to your destination and offer you either a cash payment or an airline voucher. Which one would you all rather?
CROWD (loud and agreeing): Cash!
REP: Ok, we will be offering a voucher today. Thank you for your input. The voucher is worth $200 to be used on a future flight.
CARLA (to Eustice): Mom, maybe you should take the deal.
EUSTICE (replying): Oh, and come back tomorrow?
CARLA: Yeah, tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.
EUSTICE: Do you think it’s worth it for $200?
CARLA: Can we buy a sense of humor with that money?
REP: We are now offering a $250 voucher. Again, we cannot take off until someone agrees to give up their seat on this flight.
PRESTON: Can you sweeten the deal a little bit?
REP: Maybe, what are you asking for?
PRESTON: Can you make it $300 and a bag of Terra Blues?
REP: I’m not going higher than $250.
PRESTON: Let’s do $275 and the bag of chips.
REP: I can give you $250 and mixed nuts.
PRESTON: $250 and Terra Blues?
REP: You’re not getting the Terra Blues.
PRESTON: (heavy breathing and profuse perspiration)
REP: We can’t take off until someone takes this voucher.
PRESTON: You’re holding firm on the Terra Blues?
REP: We’re holding firm.
PRESTON: No deal.
CROWD: Boo!
RANDOM PASSENGER: Screw you!
REP: Ladies and gentleman, please stay calm. We just need one volunteer to accept the voucher and the later flight.
EUSTICE (to Carla): I would take the offer but my luggage is already on the plane.
CARLA (replying): They will take it off for you. You should take the deal.
EUSTICE: But what would I do for dinner?
CARLA: There’s good food in the airport. Take the deal, Mom.
EUSTICE: You really think I should?
CARLA: I really think you should.
EUSTICE: I could use the money to come visit you another time.
CARLA: Don’t take the deal. Don’t take the deal.
REP: We are still waiting on someone to take the offer before we can take off. (gesturing to Gloria in the first row) Why not you, miss?
GLORIA: Oh, I’m sorry but I’m traveling with a child.
REP (questioning) Oh, where is your child?
GLORIA: In this cage. His name is Bacchus.
REP(understanding): Oh, you mean your dog.
GLORIA: I used Bacchus to get in the pre-boarding for people with infants. For the purposes of this flight, he is a child.
REP: Miss, would you mind holding Bacchus during the flight so we can board the final passenger in that seat?
GLORIA: No, I’m sorry. Bacchus needs his own seat. He’s a service dog.
REP (skeptical): What kind of service?
GLORIA: He chews all my food for me because of my colitis.
REP: Like a penguin?
GLORIA: Like a penguin!
REP: (shudders) Would anyone like to accept the offer so you can take off?

(Pilot exits the cockpit)

PILOT: How much is the offer?
REP: A $250 voucher and animal crackers.
PILOT: I’ll take it!
REP: Congratulations, sir!

(Pilot and Representative exit the plan.)

LOUDSPEAKER: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, we are sorry to report that this flight will be delayed while we locate another pilot. We are offering a $300 flight voucher and a bag of Terra Blue chips to anyone willing to assume that responsibility.

Service Club Annual Appeal

17 Feb

Dear Prospective Donor,

As you likely know, the Repairing the World Club at our school sponsors and annual service trip to an area in need. In recent years, our eagerness to serve has carried us to the mucky jungles of Nicaragua, to the barren expanses of Kenya, and even the bracing foothills of Nepal. In all of these places, the value of our efforts could be easily seen in the gracious smiles of those we were helping.

Keeping with tradition, our trip this year will occur in a region of tremendous need. Allow me to paint an image in your mind: The piercing cracks of street violence echo through fetid streets. Mothers cry out  for their children as the innocent youth shriek in anguish. Friends and neighbors spill blood for mere scraps of food, and sometimes resort to consuming each other when there is nothing else to eat. The wounded trample the throats of the fallen as they run toward dusty and crowded hospitals, praying that the untrained doctor’s blades will be swift as he haphazardly amputates. Over this chaotic scene presides a cruel and merciless tyrant who spits in the faces of his subjects from his gilded throne.

Clearly, Toronto has problems too endemic and overgrown for the native people to handle. The Repairing the World Club has to extend a life-rope to those drowning in the cesspool of Toronto with this year’s mission trip. Unfortunately, traveling to this remote and dangerous locale is prohibitively expensive. We require your financial assistance to bring the gift of charity to the Torontonians.

This trip will challenge the integrity of our determination and our capacity for empathy. We do not know how it feels to live and work under the world’s most whimsical mayor. We can not begin to understand the harshness of winter in the most efficient municipality at snow removal. How many tears have been shed in the cleanest city in Canada? How many dreams have been shattered living in America’s hat? How does it feel to pay more for hospital parking than for healthcare?

This year in Toronto, we resolve to make a change. We resolve to to empower, we resolve to engage, and we resolve to resolve. Resolving to resolve cracks in our resolve will resolve things in need of resolving. You too can be a part of this magical giving experience with a check made payable to: “The Repairing the World Club Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Fund”. We thank you in advance for your generosity.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Moraine
Fundraising Chair
Repairing the World Club
Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Committee

Which Supreme Court Justice Are You?

28 Jan

Are you the life of the party like Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Or are you the guy your friends trust all their secrets with like Clarence Thomas? Maybe you’re the class clown just like Stephen G. Breyer! Take this fun quiz and find out which member of the bench you are!

1. People would describe your courtroom conduct as:
a. stern but fair.
b. firm but sincere.
c. rigid but just.

2. The justice to your left says a funny joke! You:
a. giggle once, inaudibly.
b. slightly raise the corners of your mouth.
c. exhale.

3. It’s Casual Friday at the office! You wear:
a. a black robe. (Classy!)
b. a bedazzled black robe. (Unique!)
c. a black robe with nothing underneath. (Flirty!)

4. In your high school yearbook, you were voted:
a. Most Likely to Enter Jurisprudence
b. Neatest Hairstyle
c. Closet Babe

5. When you walk down the street, it feels like:
a. 78% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
b. 84% of the country doesn’t know who you are.
c. 92% of the country doesn’t know who you are.

6. The best part about being a justice is:
a. the unparalleled job security.
b. the group camaraderie.
c. the paparazzi attention.

If you answered mostly As, you’re one of the Supreme Court Justices! (We’d say which one, but we can’t name one either.)

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,137 other followers

%d bloggers like this: